Changing last name after marriage?

Question

I don't want to change my last name after marriage, and my fiance is mad at me. He says it's emasculating if I don't, but I think that's BS.

There are three reasons I do not wish to change it:

1. I work as a journalist, and everything I have ever published has been under my maiden name. I've built my entire career on this name, and I feel that changing my last name would not only be confusing for people, but it could actually get in the way of the amount of work I get.

2. This has been my name my entire life. It is a big part of my identity. I get that in the English language (not so in other languages and non-Anglo cultures) it is traditional for the woman to take the man's last name. However, I also realize that women didn't always have much of a say in the matter. Well, I feel like I have a say now, and I think for me personally, it would be pretty traumatic to give up a piece of my identity just like that.

3. If anyone thinks I'm being selfish, I've already given up a lot of things for my fiance. When he got a great job offer, I gave up my own job to move to a new city with him and started working in freelance. It's okay, and I'm making comparable money, but I do still miss my old job and coworkers (he knows that, which is another reason I'm pissed about this this whole last name drama). I love this man and have never felt this way before about anyone, but forgive if I'm wrong, isn't there supposed to be more give-and-take in today's marriages?

So, what can I do?

? · Answer

A lot of women keep their maiden name, especially if they made a career using that name. Your fiancé needs to stop being so immature. You are marrying him and making a commitment...I don't see why he is mad. Ask him to take on your last name.

Michael T · Answer

1 change  your name  to accomodate  the A S S  Hole

2  keep  your name as is  and  find another A  S  S  hole  to marry

in the long run it probably  will not last   then you will have to pay  big bucks  to revert to your maiden name

might as well keep it  and save the cost and paperwork

all kinds of people do that these days

Anonymous · Answer

I'll let you in on a little secret: The individual that loves the least has power over the relationship.

Dark Lady · Answer

You can still use your former name professionally. It's called a pen name, and a lot of journalists and aurthors do it. Or, you can keep your name. The choice really is yours, and he can not force you to take his.

Athena · Answer

Sounds like YOU have it all figured out.
So why are you bothering to get married?
Why not just go to a lawyer and draw up a civil union?
All the legal benefits of being married without any of that personal commitment stuff.

I mean, the tone of your question already shows that you are resenting everything that a traditional marriage entails.  If you are not going to swim the mile why get into your suit?  Get a civil union for the purposes of legal issues, property etc and stay the individual you are right now.  It is not like you really want to be someone's partner anyway right?

And this will help him also.  Once he gets over this "couples" fantasy he has had with you, he can get on with his part of life.  With no real attachment to you, other than the legal filing down at the courthouse, he does not have to feel obligated past being a roommate.    It sounds like a win-win situation.

Solves all your problems.  You can even include an escape clause that spells out what happens when the partnership is dissolved in a few years, if that is necessary of course.  Better to have that all in writing now, right?

Kate · Answer

He's being dumb.  It would be emasculating if you asked him to change his name to yours.  Many, many couples keep their maiden names after marriage.  I did and I'm a stay at home mom.  I married later and just felt weird to change my name when I was almost 30.  Like you, I have professional qualifications and didn't want to have to change all of that as well.  I would suggest that you two get premarital counseling, if he feels that it's emasculating to not change your name, what type of gender roles does he expect in the marriage?  I think all engaged couples can benefit from counseling, just to discuss what they think their marriage will look like.  My husband and I had ours through our Church and they had no issue with me not changing my name, they just discussed different things with us about how we would live and raise children etc.  It was good though, because even though we thought we'd discussed it all, it turned out there were a few areas that we needed to talk about more.  I think you and your fiance maybe the same way.  Make sure you know what he expects from a wife and he knows what you expect from a husband.  People always say they "want a partner" but what exactly that means isn't always the same for both people.

Anonymous · Answer

seems like your a workaholic who only thinks about her job and money and what she wants.

evee · Answer

well if you don't  want to change it don't...i don't think it's emasculating it's just a bit cold...for me, it's romantic to take my husbands name...
it's just a romantic gesture now it's no longer a sign the husband owns you, lol feudal times are over, last i checked...

i cannot imagine having different last name than my husband...but we both hate our families and our last names so my husband will choose anther name for us---but he chose it for himself and i took it from him, lol

it's sexy and romantic that way....

but there's not reason for your husband to feel emasculated, he is overreacting a bit..

Access Denied · Answer

wtf do u mean dumb *****. Every culture the woman has to change her last name, just like how I am going to force marry u right now and make u my *****

Dexter · Answer

Ok

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Changing last name after marriage?

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