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Divorced women: Do you get jealous of your girlfriends who are still happily married?
I had this friend, when I met her she cried on my shoulder many times as she was at the beginning of a nasty divorce.
I helped her with babysitting her two kids, helped paint her house she had to sell (a two hour drive to get there).
Proof read many of her University assignments for her, encouraged her during exams, picked her kids up at 6.00pm at night if she was stuck in traffic. Took her kids home with me if they came down sick at school. Looked after her kids in the school holidays.
Organised a cruise for her 40th birthday, and pretty much was her best friend, and we also went to movies, shopping together. Pretty much she was like a sister to me.
Then one day I get this message, after offering to help her sick child. Lets just say it was the most degrading, cruel message. Saying WTF was wrong with me, I'll get my other friend to look after my kids - etc. (Just horrible) and rings me to apologise but then starts to accuse me of all sorts of strange things.
But says, I don't need your help.....?? And mentions that I was still married and she wasn't.
I am now a broken person. I just wanted to know - could it be jealousy? Or that she believes I was only helping her to give her charity. I need a single mother's point of view.....am I going crazy?
Thanks, sorry for the long story.
2 Answers
- ?Lv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
Maybe at her vulnerable times in the beginning, you were the sisterly support she needed in her life. But, after some time, she may feel like your extensive generosity has become too much. I can see several possibilities here. If she is going through a threat or potential post-divorce custody battle, your extensive involvement in her child's life could be seen as she is not doing HER job as a mother. If the child mentions you at visits to the father's home, he could be questioning the mother's duty and dedication to care for her own child's emergencies and necessities. IDK the age of the child. Little ones can say things that in their minds mean one thing, and it mean an entirely different thing to an adult. That would be guess number one and not your fault.
Guess number two: She knows that often a two parent household is generally easier to raise a child and deal with emergencies or sick days. She is probably going through a transition phase at this point to more independence. Your offer to pick up the child may be seen as intrusive, or that you have too much emotional investment in her child. She may not have even been contacting you to ask for your help when you offered it. When dealing with other people's children, people can become suspicious, over-protective, or downright touchy. Again, not necessarily your fault. I would gather that she is working out some issues of her own. She does not understand that some people are generous, thoughtful, and honestly want to help others. She may feel there is some sort of agenda, an unhealthy attachment to the child, or has deep rooted feelings of guilt because she simply cannot reciprocate in an equal manner your kindness. If that is so, it may be that she in turn also feels there is never any way to repay such a debt, and could feel like you are rubbing her nose in it (but we know you would NEVER do such a thing).
Guess number three: The child has formed some deep attachment to YOU. If the child has expressed need or the happy comfort of having you around, being at your place, or whatever... she could find this alarming. Even if the child has said something about why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore like you and your husband.. that can be like kicking a hornet's nest with some mothers. She has gone through a lot. Nasty divorces can leave a person quite wounded in so many ways. Not to mention also make a person quite on guard, and overly sensitive to some slight thing. Again, not necessarily your fault.
I was a single mom for a while, when my son was rather young (5-7 yrs old). I worked 75-90 hrs/wk to get back on my feet. And it was incredibly hard. There were times I had to rely on friends and family when it came to looking after my youngster. At times I felt I was imposing, even if assured I wasn't. There was an instance at which I had to distance my son from some situations too. To be exact, from my own grandmother, who liked to meddle and impose particular opinions and even downright threaten to take custody because I wasn't there 'enough' for my son. With a work schedule like mine, yes, it was extremely difficult. As a sole breadwinner, it was necessary I work. I did not receive ANYTHING from the divorce but $10K of debt, and a car that was 9 yrs old- and went months without a single dime of child support. At times I felt backed into a corner, threatened, and like my sole duty was to protect what was mine- MY CHILD from the threat of losing custody or excessive attachment where it was not good in my eyes. This may be the case here. My grandmother and my ex both threatened custody. I did not date, I did not 'dump' my kid on anyone for selfish 'me time', and spent every spare moment I could with him. But when other people seemed to 'plug' things into his mind and threaten me in ways that made me feel like there were red flags, you bet I reacted. What is missing here is understanding her thought processes and her feelings at the moment. Any mother who gives a hoot WILL make a stand when things do not seem kosher. Her cues could be internal, from the child, from the ex, or any combination of places. And yes, the remark about you still being married could be jealousy. But, I suspect it's really not. Just a statement that she is quite aware that her child's home is not the perfect married family anymore, and her own life is maybe chaotic. But it is her job to deal with it, and she knows this, and she is trying to step up to it.
Hon, don't let this get you down. If she contacts you, just listen. Open some dialogue between you that you understand how hard she is working and doing a good job. It isn't easy being a single parent, a sole breadwinner, and trying to be perfect. It's a big juggling act with work or college and very stressful at times. Be distant about asking about the child at first. The child is normally the line in the sand that causes a rift in any relationship where the child is involved. It's like a momma bear thing. Threat or no threat, it is the perception of one that causes momma bear to get riled up. Good luck, I hope you two can sit down and iron this out. You seem to have a genuine heart. Just understand that sometimes too much of a good thing can spoil the status quo.
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