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Does this sound good so far? I'll answer yours!?
Okay, so I had two choices: Run, or kill this thing once and for all. My fingers brushed against my sword, and my heart pounded as I thought I was really going to do this. Yet I found my legs running through the crunchy leaves, being my typical self. Why should this time be any different from all the other times?
Sometimes I wondered why I was even here. I couldn’t fight to save my life. I mean, I had taken karate a couple of times, but that was so long ago that all I knew now was that white belts meant you sucked and black belts meant you had mastered everything. I knew that I didn’t belong here, and everyone else knew I didn’t belong here, yet Ambrose insisted I stay here at the castle. For what though? All I was good at was disappointing people.
As I neared the castle gates, I thought of how angry Sal was going to be. I clenched my fists, because I was actually pretty angry with me too. Just once, why couldn’t things go right?
I reluctantly opened Sal’s door to find him muttering things to himself again, and the lights replaced by candles. Startled, he turned around, ink from the quill he was holding splattering onto his paper.
“So,” he said, setting the quill down and leaning forward. “Did you bring me my vampire fang?”
I only gave him a crooked smile, and watched as his expression changed to frustration, just like I knew it would.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, fiddling with a stray curl.
~Coralie:)
Thanks!
3 Answers
- Anonymous7 years ago
Yeah it sounds good...
One thing I would change Grammar wise is "I was actually pretty angry with me too." to "I was actually pretty angry with myself too."
Apart from that! Really good!
- Anonymous7 years ago
Coralie, I agree with the minor corrections of the others, and also I'll note that there's a bit of punctuation missing ("I was actually pretty angry with myself, too", for example). Aside from that, yes, this excerpt sounds just fine, if not a bit rushed. Perhaps this point in the story perfectly allows for that, but if it's closer towards the beginning of your work, I'd explain a bit more of why she's running, what happened while she's running, what the creature did during all this, etc. But, again- it does sound fine, as is. Happy writing.
- 7 years ago
Yes, it's great. I agree with the above poster about the grammar correction. Mine is here: