What can I do if I am caught in the middle with my mother and wife?

An apology can come in many ways. Your wife wants your mother to know she is not that same person that she can hurt and push around. Both of you have to consider the children. Is 'mom' going to be a good grandmother? Kids need grandparents-there's no doubt about it. Your mother can only show she has changed by SHOWING she has changed. Will they speak on the phone? Would they agree to lunch alone where they can speak privately?. I know 'mom' has been hateful, but I'm sure there's some place in your wife's heart that cares about her-even if it is to a very small degree. I mean, its been 14 years.

You are part of your mother (biologically). Rejecting her is like rejecting a part of who you are.

I had the same experience as your wife. We moved to another state not country. My MIL never apologized. I let a lot go b/c I considered the source. Things got better years later. But MIL did apologize eventually. And it was over something very stupid. But she was holding a coffee cup and saucer. When MIL was apologizing to me, that saucer was shaking like I never saw before, I thought it was going to break. I saw that I needed to feel sorry for her. She wasn't so smart after all; she was a pitiful woman full of herself and opinionated. But she was humbled. I couldn't feel close to her, but I did let her back into our lives.

When, if, push comes to shove, your love and loyalty first belong to your wife and children.

BTW, later my MIL became a strong Christian. She's changed and is a good woman.

This is an awful situation for you, because in the heat of the moment, neither woman is being objective or realistic, and you're caught in the middle, both of them thinking you're on the other person's side because you're trying to talk some reason into them! These situations are so tough as a middleman. If you think they'd be up for it, see a counselor or mediator. Or, if you think you could handle it yourself, try your hand at a little mediation. Set up the ground rules: one person speaks at a time, and everyone must be respectful but honest about how they feel. You are there to keep the peace and also to help the discussion along by making suggestions. When everyone has spoken their piece about the situation, then you try to find a way to solve the problem so that everyone gets a little and gives a little. You can do a handwritten agreement, signed by both parties, that they will uphold the terms. It is a very simple method but helps take the emotion and adrenaline and the mean words out of the conflict and gets to the core of things.

You, and only you, put yourself in this position. Actually, you put your wife in this position as well. She's likely a little mad at you for that. So, if you need to get counseling on why you have done this to your life, your wife and your children, then do so.

When you married your wife you announced to the world that you were an adult functioning man who was deciding for himself who he was going to go through life with and no one would be more important. Certainly not your Mother! Get a grip, sir. Your WIFE is your most important person. Not your Mommy. She stopped being essential when you were about 14. It's time to understand that. It's something you could have clarified when she first began to make trouble. But you can do so now.

Love Mom, tell her to square it up, apologize, make it better with your wife on her own or be kept out of the loop. If you need to visit her once a year by yourself for a few days to be her "good son", then so be it. But if she wants more, she needs to square it up with your wife.

You and your wife and kids are a package deal. A SINCERE apology is not unreasonable. Your wife may have some choice words for your Mom, but I think she is entitled to speak her mind after the crap that your Mom put her through. If I was your wife I'd be ticked off that you want me to turn the other cheek concerning your Mom when you should be having my back. Don't see why you are torn - Mom should not have been so mean in the first place. Remember that when you took your marriage vows you promised to put your wife first, always.

You need to tell your mother that if she wants you in her life, then your wife is going to be there too. And that you will only be there if she admits she was wrong before and apologizes to your wife. Let her know that the things she did hurt your wife very much and it hurts you too. Let her know it hurts you to see that your own mother and wife cant get along. A mother wants to always see her children happy. Let her know it would make you very happy if they could be nice to each other. They dont have to be best friends - just nice.

You need to take a strong stand against your mother. You should tell her, if she cant apologize to your wife, you will just stop seeing her or move out of the country again. Something to snap her back to reality and see how important her family is.

The answer to your predicament is really simple........Your mother is just that, YOUR MOTHER, and to whom you reward by been a good son and caring for her in moments of need. Your wife on the other hand is your life as a man, children and all and she has to be your priority. If your mother was a witch to your wife it is only fair that your wife is angry..........tell your mother that now is not a good time to make thing better since she is the main reason the problems began, tell her also that your wife need time to feel different and that if she is upset because your wife told, she should not have done anything to cause this mess. Sadly for you the truth of the matter is that mom needs to get a life and leave you two alone to make yours and understand that she is not the center of the universe any more........I am a mother, I adore my three kids to the point of obsession, but I will not interfere in their personal life even if it kills me because I trust myself well enough to know that I taut them better and they need also to learn from their own mistakes..........You have YOUR family now and they are number 1

Easy, you take your wife's side.

You always take your wife's side.

You didn't pick your parents, they just happened to be the ones that made you.

You didn't pick your kids either, they're the ones you and your wife made.

She's the only family member you actually got to choose... unless yoou were involved in a backwards arranged marriage, that is.

If your mother wants to mend the relationship, it's completely HER responsibility to do so. She put herself in the hole, now she has to dig herself out. This is not your issue, it's hers.

Stick by your wife always. Never hold your tongue when your mother acts disrespectful. You need to put her in her place. Point blank.

You need to do what you should have done 14 years ago; you need to chose your wife, 100%, no if ands or buts. Since you say you believe in god, take a look at what that book you believe in says about ones wife and ones mother...same thing I am saying.

You are not caught in the middle. You are allowing your mother to treat your wife and your children bad. STOP IT. Tell her it is going to end and if it does not she will see none of you. You have allowed this to go on long enough. You have tolerated it so she continues to do it.