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Is this book excerpt eye catching?
Say you were in a bookstore and picked up this book that was in the YA dystopian category. You decided to read the first paragraph. Would this catch your attention and make you want to buy it?
“How would you feel if your life suddenly crashed into a million pieces, things hardly making sense?
We always expected an economy collapse, but as it always is, there was so much more than meets the eye.
My name is Alexis Cade Lee, I'm 17 years old. My life is a living hell.
(Beginning of chapter)
Admittedly, I am not find of hanging upside down by my ankles. Then again, a change in perspective is always interesting. While the blood is rushing to my head, I thought about my predicament. It's not every day that you get caught in a trap set by sociopaths. Especially not when it's set by a man I used to call my uncle.
“Damon?” I called out.
Closing my eyes and straining my ears, I heard the sound of footsteps. Wriggling my body, I tried to turn myself around to see who was approaching, praying that it was Damon. If not, my independence would be extinguished in mere minutes. More footsteps.”
Constructive critisism is welcome :)
2 Answers
- 7 years ago
"I am not find of hanging upside down" makes no sense.
"While the blood is rushing to my head" -- "I thought about"
Tense switch. "Is rushing" is present, "I thought" is past.
"Closing my eyes and straining my ears" - present
"I heard"- past.
At the moment I'd put the book back and find something else to buy, but that doesn't mean anything - your story is very much in its infancy and requires some editing, so by the time its finished I might well want to read it.
You just need to make sure the tense is consistent. Past or present? Pick one and stick to it. If you've only just started writing I would stick to present. It's easier to write with and a good tense for practising with. The rest of it carries hallmarks of a story in need of editing.
My advice is to keep your tense in check and just keep writing. Don't keep stopping and reviewing every sentence or paragraph, because it will take you ages to finish. So keep going regardless of mistakes, BUT make an effort to keep the tense consistent.
Good luck and keep writing!
