Why did she have a baby without discussing it with me, and what should I do now?

She probably didn't discuss it with you because, as far as she was concerned, it wasn't about you but about her and what she wanted. Given the age difference, the distance, etc. not to mention that you bailed on visiting her, maybe she didn't see the point in discussing it since there was no guarantee that the relationship would work out.

And I wonder about the IVF thing too but I guess that's kind of water under the bridge now.

Seems most are missing the point. I may or may not believe how she conceived. This actually doesn't bother me. What does bother me is why she didn't discuss this with me either before or after, since she knows I am a generous, open minded and forgiving man. Why wait until I said I was going to see her to tell me? We were still in touch, she could have raised it at any point, but didn't. This is what I don't understand, and if she was afraid of doing so, it doesn't bode well for our relationship. We still both want to marry each other and I'm happy to take on her son (even if she had an affair) although she's not asked me to, but not telling me she got into trouble/cheated/wanted a baby by IVF, that's the deal breaker for me....do you guys understand my question?

Since the relationship is long distance, do you really think that she had her baby by IVF? Sounds like she didn't tell you about it because maybe, just maybe, the baby belongs to another man. Not that she has to prove to you that it was an IVF, but does she have papers and are willing to show you that that's how he was conceived? This is something very major and trust is a very important factor in a relationship. Ask yourself questions and if she's willing to answer, ask her. If it's not sitting right with you, then something is wrong somewhere.

I'm sorry to hear this but I have got to be honest with you. I do not think that this is an IVF baby but the baby of another man who she had a fling with or had been seeing while you are away. You are not with her for extremely long periods of time in order to know what she's up to for all we know you could be the man on the side the one she has a phone relationship while having others on the side. IVF is extremely expensive and if she truly wanted to see you and was so devastated she would have payed for your plane tickets and not on this because like you said you could have gotten her pregnant instead.

You're giving mixed messages.

"...it doesn't bode well for our relationship... not telling me she got into trouble/cheated/wanted a baby by IVF, that's the deal breaker for me...."

vs.

"We still both want to marry each other and I'm happy to take on her son (even if she had an affair)"

So which is it: you want to marry her, or this is a dealbreaker? It sounds like you're not sure.

If you marry her in spite of this, you really can't complain if she continues to make major life decisions without your input. And why shouldn't she? You seem to value your capacity to forgive more than you value the idea of being treated with respect. I think that's a recipe for misery, but you can proceed as you please. Perhaps you should take some time off from her to think this through, and possibly date other women as well. At least don't rush into marriage without giving serious thought to why you're so eager to overlook what amounts to a slap in the face from the woman who claims to love you.

She had a baby because she wanted to and didn't see you as a sure thing. Either that or she had another relationship and it's his. Of course it's weird. I don't know at your age you would even ask that! There's is most likely a lot more to this story.

When communication between a man and a woman is bad, they ought NOT to get married. Not talking to you about getting pregnant ranks right up there with the most broken communication could possibly be. If you marry her, it will be a huge mistake, and I stand behind that, whether the baby is from IVF or from erection.

I'd ask to see the receipts from the doctor .

are you sure this baby was an IVF baby?

if i was in a long distance relationship and my spouse couldnt afford to visit me, i would pay his flights etc not spend thousands conceiving a baby and not tell him

this smells of cheating/another mans child to me

and she is lying to you

I really dont believe that she did long distance are hard to maintain i know from experience my husband and i were together for 2 years we had to split up for 10 months i hated it i went into a depression i went to the gym to work through my sexual frustrations phone sex didnt make it easier . I stayed faithful to him because i loved him and i only wanted him i never had a temptation it sucked too because we both went to live with family and his family and mine tried to get us to cheat or lied to other about us cheating on each other . My aunt who i lived with tried to get me to cheat and always tried to make me feel bad for talking to the love of my life my mom even backed her up .we got through it he came to move in with me because i got a place for us but they all got pissed off at me for moving out of my aunts house .but not all long distance are a success but be careful find out what clinic it was done at and see if it was done.