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lovechild asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 6 years ago

Does this poem have any irrelevancies that I should edit out?

Nothing is beautiful enough, it seems,

They Photoshop landscapes,

Edit out nature’s touches

If they adversely affect the desired effect;

You can make a killing Arctic wasteland

Seem like a magical kingdom

For unicorns and mermaids

Maybe they existed once

And were banished there

That’s why they’re dead now.

They capture the ruins

Of temples dedicated to various deities

And make the architecture stand out

Like no blood ever ran in rivers in the courtyard

After the impious and the blasphemous

Were slain to appease some sanctimonious faction.

Fractional expressions that leave the sum of the whole

In an answer book that is accessible

Only to the few initiated into the administrative fold.

Is burning the flag treason?

Not if you were burned by it first.

Countless victims of a sovereign’s ideals

That were not well thought out,

We wave banners not in defiance

But in complacency

Or ignorance.

Soldiers return from a war

Waged upon our minds

And pocketbooks,

The cost economically minimal when compared

To the spiritual fees paid by the warriors.

They are treated like debtors, never free.

5 Answers

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  • ?
    Lv 7
    6 years ago

    All the stanzas seem to relate, though in the first one, setting things

    up, I wasn't sure what you were talking about. I like your writing, and

    the poem, but it does seem like there's a lot of blame-shifting maybe

    in how it is written. The poem is written in all three persons, 1st (I)

    2nd (you) and 3rd person plural (they)

    So, it get's confusing. I'm a born again Christian. Does that put me in

    the group of "They?" They needs to be defined, and I'm not sure who

    they is?

    So, the poem is very good of you can rewrite it telling us who they are.

    Or, it's probably just me LC.

    I like your last line best. You know, our country by far is home of more

    folks that hate the USA that any other country. Why? This think we call

    freedom. Personally, I wish some of these folks, especially the ones who

    wouldn't blink beheading me, would leave, get outta here.

  • 6 years ago

    everything after line 1 but i agree you have a right to believe what you want but i doubt the families who lost loved ones on 9-11-2001 or 9-11-1697 or 9 of 72 when a group called black sept kidnapped an entire Olympic team of 11 would agree but besides thats i like it....Most people are not aware how long this war has been fought or how many people have laid down their lives so that tonight people don't kick your door down and make you bow down behind the *** in front of you 3 times a days or more .God bless the USA

  • 6 years ago

    A couple of good messages and I enjoyed the read. The first and second got together for they are or same thought but the last is total different. To burning the flag should be treason for it is a emblem of America which many men have died for.

  • ?
    Lv 7
    6 years ago

    there are a lot of poems here. edit them into 5 instead of one

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  • 6 years ago

    Who is "they" in your poem? <-------Honest! I wrote this B4 I read the replies of others! I like the smaller poem below better then the larger, longer poem above. Again, who is "they?"

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