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What do you think of this poem?
too close to the edge
I gasp
I choke
I thrash
I cannot form a word
A word like 'help'
A word like 'help'
A word like 'help'
The water is ice cold
My chest tightens
My head goes under
My vision is blurred
My chest burns
It burns like a thousand pins
Pressing into my lungs
I open my mouth to scream for help
But the fish won't help me
No one will help me
I got too close to the edge
Now I'm too close to the bottom
The mud down here is soft
My eyes roll back
And everything goes black
2 Answers
- AnnaLv 46 years ago
Dark, and if i give more negative feedback than you would have liked, sorry, I'm just not that big a fan of freeverse, they give ME a bad vibe, so I kind of have a negative impression of it in my mind so if I sound kind of dissatisfied, thats why. I like it mostly. the line "the fish won't help me" I think should be changed, however. Of couse the fish won't help you! they're fish! but other than that great poem, you have a great future in writing if you puruse it.
