I wrote this stanza. Thoughts?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

This can be interpreted on too ,many ways

for ease of understanding

or even to rightly flow;

too many metaphors, too much wordplay

but you might simplify it

yo iys and your readers benefits, both.

If you forego the urge to continuous double - entendre metaphor

and first write simply

them make a poem of it

it could be very interesting

but not as it stands..it is almost, `untoward`..so to speak.

So - work on it again?

An amateur attempt at a play with words, just make it simple so that it's more easy to understand, otherwise the reader will not get what you are talking about. Good try through.

An attempt at cleverness which disappears up its own fundamental orifice.

Tantamount to gibberish.

I found it quite difficult to follow... There was no imagery to allow my mind to see what you were trying to convey...