Should I go back to my husband?

If he didn't bother to do anything to change his ways in 23 years, what makes you think he's going to do it now?

You left him. That's the hard part. You should be congratulated for finally doing it. Listen to the experts who say to ignore him and stay away for at least three months - they know what they are talking about.

Now is the time when he's going to lay on the charm real thick and try to get you back ... not because he loves you and wants to change, but because he wants to control you. He wants to take advantage of your fear, because he knows that you are more likely to come crawling back if he does this during your vulnerable stage.

It doesn't sound like there was any kind of "marriage" to save. He's an addict, he's abused you, he spent all your money ... you do not owe him, or the union, "one last effort." You put up with his abuse for over TWENTY YEARS ... did he ever give you the courtesy of "one last effort"? Or any kind of effort at all? If he truly loved you and wanted to change, he would have done it long ago.

It was easier for him to keep his bad habits and watch you suffer ... he was much happier doing whatever he wanted and watching you suffer. Remember that. He was happy doing nothing while you were miserable, because it meant that you were the one who had to bear the brunt of the unhappy marriage. He would rather you be in pain than have to do just a little bit of work on his own. You owe him NOTHING. You've paid MORE than your fair share here.

Please stay strong, and stay away from him. He's not the only man in the world, and you can do better. You deserve better.

Hi.. i'm sorry you're struggling, and yes, sometimes change can be fear-inducing. But from what you say, you have put up with quite a lot over the years. I'm sure that, after all this time, you still feel an emotional connection with your husband and care, despite all of the agony you have been through.

Still, isn't it time to TAKE CARE OF YOU? I am not telling you what to do. But you really need to consider your emotional well-being. Your therapist will help you find your own direction.... i hope you do the counseling. It will be very valuable for you.

Therapy takes a lot of effort and it's about working toward positive life changes. It can be emotionally draining at times, as well. But it is worth it.

You take care (of YOU).

All best wishes!

He is not going to change for you just because you ask. If he hasn't changed in all those years, he won't. He only wants you back because he likes to make you feel less so he can feed his ego. If he is alone, then he has no one to impress because everyone will tell him what a piece of crap he really is. You don't need to put up with his abuse. If he is cheating with the secretary (assuming that is why you want him to get rid of her) why would it matter? He is going to find someone else anyways, secretary or not, if he wants to be unfaithful he will. He will just learn to hide the woman from you so you don't tell him to get rid of her next time. You deserve better and he is just trash. Start your life. show him that you can shine without him. Go get therapy to heal your wounds. Care about yourself. He isn't caring about you!!! You are still worrying about him getting rehab completed. FORGET THAT. The relationship wasn't there, it was imaginary expectations you had of what a husband should be. Worry about yourself. be strong, get fit, healthy, work on a job promotion and let him miss you and see that you are way better than any of his hoes. Best of luck to you.

After 23 years of this behaviour he is unlikely to change so the ONLY thing you can change is what you have been doing. It is idiotcy to keep doing the same thing and expect a totally different result.

You have already given him "100s of other chances to change" and that obviously didn't work.

You gave him "ultimatiums" to complete BEFORE you come home, but are thinking of going back to all that "...addiction, narcissism, verbal/mental/emotional abuse, financial ruin and possible cheating...the Jeckyl and Hyde pokes it's ugly head out." without his ACTION on any of those? If you do I can guarantee that there will be NO action at all, and you will be in the same position in a very short time.

Those that told you you need MONTHS to get a real start on healing those sorts of issues are correct. So you need to decide what choices YOU are going to make if he doesn't take the required actions. Please don't think of going back into that situation until you SEE the improvements for yourself, OK?

A narcissist only wants what they can't have. They'll say, do, act, be anything they need too to get it, and like always, they'll return to the person you are so desperately trying to escape from right now. You must break this cycle "right now!" If he's truely a narcissist, you'll be able to look back and see that what I am telling you is the exact truth. I escaped one, and at the time I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever done, if I could even do it at all! Turns out it was the best decision I ever made and the best thing that ever happened to me...........it will be for you too.

She said "Love has nothing to do it". My wife at the time had a drinking, drugging, cheating, stealing money and was overweight by 175 lbs. the exact problems that you have. The moment she signed the divorce papers all her troubles vanished. She never looked back. You see you can't help your husband. I continued on in my addictions for 10 more years. No, do not go backwards in life by going back to a sick relationship. You need some counseling as well to see the light, as my wife did after she left me. It took from me as well and felt sorry for myself. It's everyone for themselves in this case. Don't be pulled down any further. Your going 2 drown. Please move on...

How can he take you serious? 4 ultimatums and he hasn't met 1 yet. Stand by your word. Yes you love him but if he's not willing to show you how much he wants you back by fulfilling your criteria in order for you to come back, then why do it? Let him prove to you that he wants you back. All he is doing is calling/texting/emailing you that he's sad and hurt without you but he has not fulfilled your requirements. He hasn't proven anythjng. Breakups hurt...they do. But I'm sure you sacrificed enough. Now that you left...let him understand that it's serious this time and you are not going to try to make it work until he proves to you that he really wants it to work by doing the 4 things you requested and not a moment sooner.

"Due to addiction, narcissism, verbal/mental/emotional abuse, financial ruin and possible cheating. I want to make sure I am giving one last effort, after 100s of other chances to change, to my marriage."

You're a glutton for punishment. He hasn't made any changes because you've shown him "100s" of times that he doesn't have to. You lost the right to complain about his behavior looooong ago, because you've chosen to return to him or keep tolerating it over and over and over and over again.

As the saying goes (crude but true), sh*t or get off the pot, meaning take action or maintain the status quo and deal with it.

Seems to me a reasonable person would be far more afraid of staying with a person like you describe him to be, than to be single and free. Yes, definitely get yourself into counseling, to help you learn to love yourself and have the confidence to make good life choices, and not to stay with someone who is completely inappropriate as a partner, simply because you're afraid to be single.

Yes, people CAN change (if they want to). Clearly he doesn't want to, and even if he is sincere this time, it's too little too late. He can change so he's a better partner to his next significant other. I don't see how anyone could build a happy future with someone they've had such a miserable past with.

It sounds as though you have put in all of the effort and he has put in none. You love him so its hard to separate yourself because you're probably thinking what if you're making a mistake. The only mistake is wanting to stay in that situation. 23 years is a long time and too long to be abused. No matter how much you love him, you can NOT change him, hun that is something that he needs to do. You need to start living life for you and stop feeling sorry for him.

One week is not nearly enough time for him to change. If you love him and want to get back, don't rush it. Make sure he completes the conditions you have put down. You've given him several ultimatums and he hasn't really changed so I'll warn you. He's probably not going to change. At least not permanently. He may be good for a while but he sounds pretty established in his ways.