Stuck and don't know what to do.?

Question

Been in a relationship just over a year. She gets drunk and then gets violent with me. The violence has progressed to occur in sobriety now. I had my head smashed against a wall the other day.
But I am the one who will carry her to her bed when she is intoxicated, I am the one who will wake her up with coffee and breakfast, I am the one who will help her out when her car is broken.

I asked for help with my car and she told me to eff myself. I stay with her because she has a kid and she would not be able to afford the rent and all (her) the bills if I left her.

I work in the same company as her. She makes fun of me in front of the people and ignores me whenever we go out. She wants me to move to another city to earn a bigger salary so that she can sit on her butt and do nothing, she said she would come down if she had a job securely there.

I know that I am going to be told that I am not a man, but I am emotionally involved with her. I don't think that I will be able to bear the guilt if I left her. I have ulterior residence in the event I ever left her, but it is not me that I am worried about, it is her. She will not be able to cope financially. There is a lot more that I have left out, but you can see in what direction it is going.

I honestly don't know what to do. I cannot afford to pay my own dues (such as my car breaking down), because my money goes to her.

Coach Simon · Accepted Answer

What reason has she to change? You are her doormat and while you continue to be her doormat she will wipe her feet harder and harder.

You are not doing her any favours. As you say, you have an emotional attachment with her, due at least in part to regular sex, but this is not love.

Tell her that you have had enough, fix a date to leave and do it. Put it in writing because she could make trouble for you at the workplace if you don't. You might also be wise to tell some colleagues what is happening.

If she works with you, she can afford to pay rent, etc. She will just have to learn to budget better, which will also help the child to follow suit.

By being her punchbag, you are giving the child a terrible image of relationships and partners. If you can't put the needs of your girlfriend first, at least put the child ahead of your guilt feelings.

♠ Merlin ♠ · Answer

Do you think staying with her is the right thing for either of you?

you said the reason you wont leave is the guilt, 
so feeding her addiction, enabling her to be a violent drunk is your way of loving her? of helping her?
you think what you are enduring just now is the correct thing for her?

You need help, help to leave, help to stay away, and help to give to her
She has messed up her life, her body, her mind and her finances
and you are enabling that

Its not about being a man, or not
a violent partner, is a violent partner, regardless of gender
you are a toxic match and neither of you will flourish until you are apart
there are plenty of resources out there that will help you
you just need to WANT help and to ask for it
ASK
today

Blue Sky · Answer

The answer is really quite simple, its just hard for you to see it because you love and care about her. She has anger issues which she tries to mask with alcohol, which of course just makes it worse and nothing will change until she admits she has problems and seeks professional help. The violence your experiencing will just get worse too, so my advice to you is to try to get her to seek help and if that fails, then you need to break up with her and move on.

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Stuck and don't know what to do.?

3 Answers