My boyfriend can say things more harshly than intended?

Question

So my lad's great. He's caring, sweet and has a marvellous sense of humor, very snarky and dark at times, but I like it. One problem though is that even though he might have the best intentions, he sometimes says things to his friends or me and they come out very harsh/ inconsiderate. For example, he tries to get me motivated to stop scrolling and go studying, but he says it in a way that makes me want to do it even less. Like "get your **** together", "you'll be really ****** if you don't start right now", "you could've started ages ago, it's your own fault you lack time now". Which is all right in a way, I suppose, but as his girlfriend he's the first person I go to for sympathy and comfort when times are rough and sometimes he just shoots these sayings. He made his coursemate cry once, because he told her the harsh truth about how ****** they were without even trying to sugarcoat anything. I, too, like when people are straightforward, but from him it's sometimes too much. He just doesn't realize that when he says those things, people might feel hurt afterwards. And a few weeks ago we had a little argument because he sensed that I'm keeping such thoughts to myself and asked me to tell him when he's being an asshole, because he usually doesn't notice it himself. He says he doesn't want to be like that with me and that it's not okay and he doesn't want me to silently bear that and for things to escalate somehow. But I can't just tell him to quit being an asshole, can I? ugh

Update:

He's just really honest and has a way of spurting things out without thinking much about how it could affect others. I love him but I don't know how to calm that trait down in him. Any suggestions?

? · Accepted Answer

This guy sounds like he's the take-charge type, someone who'd do great in a managerial position in a big company. He knows what needs to be done and doesn't sugarcoat the facts. His straightforward nature, although to-the-point and without fluff, though, can easily upset people who are more sensitive to blunt criticism. I honestly don't think he means any harm, especially not to you (and you seem to know this, as well). He just sees problems that need to be fixed and tells people to fix them instead of complaining to him (because he hates it when people complain about things they could easily fix if they got serious about what they need to do). In his mind, he's doing you a favor: When he takes time out of his day to tell you what you need to do to succeed and receives unhappy responses to his "motivating" speeches in return, he becomes confused and unsure of why you're getting upset when perhaps all HE needs to get motivated is a swift kick in the pants to get moving (even though not all people work that way).

However, this guy could definitely use some toning-down in his criticism. I think he's well aware of how you feel, he just isn't sure how to change things. Here's where you can come in and talk to him about how his admittedly harsh nature upsets you. The fact that he notices when you're being withdrawn is a great sign that he loves and cares about you (of course), and that he WANTS you to call him out when he's being too harsh. I think that's what you should do--when he starts getting really critical, say, "Hey, I feel a bit overwhelmed right now. Could we talk this out as a team?" This, coming from you--his beloved girlfriend--might just jerk him back to reality and show him that he is indeed being a bit over-the-top.

As someone who has experienced a similar situation, I can say that sometimes guys like this need a bit of a wake-up call, because they truthfully aren't aware of when they're being too harsh. Maybe when he's being like this, you could say nothing but look up at him and touch his arm. Then, quietly and with a sincere, genuine smile, ask him if he'd like to help you fix the problem.

Something I'd highly recommend looking into is Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages." On his website, there are a few interactive quizzes designed to help couples understand each other better in the way of communication and strengthen their relationships in the process: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I hope this helps; I resonated a lot with this post. Best of luck to you both!

? · Answer

1

cassondraa · Answer

Of course you can tell him to quit being an asshole! He talks to you like one!

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My boyfriend can say things more harshly than intended?

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