A hot and messy dream about my ex?! I want this to never happen again!?

What I am hearing is that you are upset that you would dream passionately about your ex when you are happy with your present SO. You are wondering if the dream signifies that you really are still attached to your ex.

I don't think there is any need to be concerned. It is more likely that the dreaming mind is using your ex as a character in a dream story that expresses something about your feelings in the present relationship.

The dream story is that you were right on the verge of intimacy, but it didn't happen. That is the exact same situation you are having with your present love--you feel ready, but it hasn't happened. So the dream is really about your present relationship. Then the question is, why is your ex in the dream?

By replacing your SO with your ex, the dream is saying that there is something similar about the two situations. How is the former relationship similar to the present one? Both relationships share the fact that no sexual act has happened despite the desire for intimacy. Although you may not ever have been literally naked with your present SO, symbolically you are "naked" in the sense of being open and receptive to letting your SO know you completely, as you are. You seemed to be ready in the dream, yet still nothing happened, which seems puzzling.

Seemingly, the reasons for nothing happening in the two cases are different. With the ex, the reason was the long-distance nature of the relationship, making intimacy impossible, whereas now the reason is, you say, that the right moment or feeling has not come, and perhaps because of inexperience it's not possible to intentionally make that moment happen.

But let me ask, are the two reasons for no intimacy really different? They seem to be different, on the surface. But maybe the reason for holding back is not what it seems to be. In the case of the long-distance relationship, it was easy to be very flirtatious and seductive because you knew that you would not have to follow through--you didn't need to have any anxiety about whether the actual making love would be "successful" in the sense of whether you would both be pleased with each other, and whether you would feel comfortable with your body and what you are doing, and whether you would feel as if you had done it "right" or "performed" well, so that you would not feel awkward or embarrassed or doubtful in any way during your first time. If you and your ex had been in the same room, maybe the same behaviors would not have occurred as they did electronically. Maybe then you would have felt it was not the right time or the right feeling--just as you do now.

So, why is it that the right time and the right feeling are not coinciding so as to enable you to fulfill your desire with your present SO? It is possible that you don't feel ready. There may be some doubt lurking in the back of your mind. It could just be a normal nervousness about whether things will go well. Sometimes we fantasize something in detail, but when it actually occurs, that is not how it turns out, since people are unpredictable.

You could be wondering whether this turning point will change the nature of the relationship. I think that it does, inevitably. Once you have taken the plunge, it can't be undone. There can only be one first time. And once a relationship has been taken to the next level, you really don't know how you or the other person will feel. Sometimes people start feeling obligations to the other person now that they are lovers, or at least they wonder what their new obligations should be. When you are inexperienced, it can sometimes also mean you might be too young or just not yet prepared to take on the unknown. It feels like a risk.

You want to leave out genders, implying that one person is male and the other is female. You think that it doesn't matter and is irrelevant because you identify as "not caring" about your sexuality. I would challenge that idea. I don't think it is possible for the gender difference to play no role whatsoever. And very few people are genuinely bi; usually there is a some preference for one or the other gender.

You believe that it's possible to prevent a dream from recurring. That is a lost cause--you cannot force the spontaneous creative dreaming mind to have a dream or not to have a dream. However, if you understand that this dream does not mean that you are unconsciously still in love with your ex, maybe that will make the dream seem less repulsive.

At some point--if not now, later--you will move forward in relationship, maybe making this whole issue go away. In the meantime you can only try to be conscious of what your true feelings are about the various aspects of relating intimately, even those feelings that are uncomfortable and that you might prefer not to think about.