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cassie58 asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 5 years ago

Thoughts on this poem would be appreciated, can I tempt you to comment?

Sanctuary

If I could conjure magic up

and call for company,

who would I choose from those I've loved

to spend an hour with me?

Who would I choose to sit beside

upon this weathered seat,

while watching shadows from old oaks

draw closer to my feet?

Who would I choose to linger with

amid these scented flowers,

oblivious of passing time

or random summer showers?

Oblivious to birds in song

or butterflies in flight,

or daisies yawning in the grass

as dusk paves way for night?

How hard a task for me to choose,

pack those concerns away,

my thoughts have harboured many loves

as I sat here today.

cas/vn

6 Answers

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  • 5 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's a lovely piece, but somehow I found in it a way to be disturbed by thoughts of the grave. The fourth stanza called my attention strongly to a thing the speaker does that I cannot do when sitting in my backyard---ignore the blooming, birdy, buggy business always going on there.

    And that chilled me slightly---no, not horrified me, but it alerted me to that meaning secreted there, and made the 'dusk . . night' connection maybe too circle-of-life for my comfort. The effect on meaning rippled back up through the earlier stanzas---a magnificent poetic effect, that jarred me.

    And yet it could be that I'm seeing too much the real and grim in the still-innocent idyll . . . but no, you cannot be here only in an idyll.

    So, uh, I guess ya wrote a pretty strong piece here, okay?

  • 5 years ago

    It is a good thought you put forward and poems come in many forms but each has a beat to the words depending on the form used........your form has a great beat in first stanza but you lose it here and there where you cut a verse short.......thanks for sharing.........

  • 5 years ago

    It's lovely Cassie...it has a lilt to it...a graceful tune...that only you can achieve with words!

    Sit awhile alone...you are in good company...!

  • 5 years ago

    Thats amazing. Have you considered becoming a writer? Because writing is a talent of yours. I cant even imagine writing something THAT good. Keep up the good work! :)

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  • 5 years ago

    Your tenses in your ;last verse here cassie are mixed;

    that said, this is a visual and emotional jewel....a garnet, maybe.

    x

    Lapiz

  • 5 years ago

    I love it, I think this belongs near the top of any of yours I've read. <3

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