Is my friend being rude or am I expecting too much?

Question

I have a friend who has epilepsy and had a seizure recently, and was told she is not allowed to drive for a year. So I try to visit her each week if I am free. She also has two kids - a toddler and a 4 month old.

I don t know if I am expecting too much, but tell me what you think. When I visit, her house is almost always unclean. Not just untidy, but unclean eg. open cat food tins on kitchen bench, fruit peels/ cheese left out, crumbs on table, unswept floors. The house often has a funny smell to it as well. The TV is usually on for the kids, which is fine, but often we will just sit and she will watch the kids  TV shows intently. or she will be talking then trail off and watch the TV (remember, these are kids  shows).

Often, she will get a snack for her son but not offer anything to my daughter, other times, she eats snacks in front of me but does not offer me anything.

When I leave, she rarely gets off the couch to walk me to the door.

She is not physically unwell. The seizure was a while ago and she has been fine since then. The way she behaves, I just find it draining sometimes.

Am I wrong in feeling annoyed that she doesn t go to a bit more of an effort when I take time to visit her??

Lex · Answer

Yes and no. It's possible your friend could be suffering from depression with the loss of her freedom. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but it explains it.

When someone suffers something that alters their life (can't walk, loses the ability to drive, etc) they literally don't know what to do with themselves. To give you an idea, I had to beg my doctor to let me go back to work after a knee surgery, because I had to get some sense of familiar back or else I would have gotten depressed. Even the things I promised I'd do when I finally had time, just weren't happening.

Unfortunately, for some people, this mind set where everything just isn't normal and what it used to be, can grow in depression.

As for the food situation, don't even go there. I suspect she has a limited income. Don't you dare try to tell me that you know everything about her financial situation (well she gets a disability check, so I know she can afford...") No, you don't know. Don't even start. If it's that concerning for you, bring a snack for yourself and your daughter.

Glass · Answer

It sounds like she's depressed.  She was just diagnosed with a debilitating illness, and depression is a common symptom of epilepsy. Seizure meds usually make people feel fatigued and foggy headed too. You need to cut her some slack, this really could be the best she can do right now.

You could offer to help her clean up, or watch the kids for a while so she can go out and do something nice for herself. Or be a bit more blunt and encourage her to see a therapist.  Hopefully this will improve once she's used to her meds and gets back in to a routine. But she shouldn't let herself wallow and become complacent in the meantime.

Abigail · Answer

Those meds have side effects and depression is def one of them. She probably doesn't have much energy either. If you read the side effects inserts to her meds you will understand. The best you can do is maybe help her clean. But don't take it personal. She really needs help. Hopefully as she does better the doctors can lessen the meds she takes.

Alion · Answer

She sounds depressed. If it bothers you so much you can reduce the amount of time you spend over there.

Trending News

Is my friend being rude or am I expecting too much?

4 Answers