Feeling guilty about not being pregnant by my rapist's baby and different feelings on the rape itself?

Late September, I was celebrating my new job pre-drank to celebrate then drank so much that by the end of the night I was vomiting, passing out and v ill. I climbed on top the top covers of the bed with my clothes on and the next thing I know I was being hastily stripped, kissed from head to vagina then he forced my tightly closed legs open forcing oral and his penis (all unprotected and he came inside me).

I am Feeling many things of this 1 rape- like, angry one hour, denying it the next, powerless and a weird one- horney of the thought yet I was crying at the time.

I also figured out after that he wanted to impregnate me and I know if he did I'd be 4-6 months pregnant now yet I feel weirdly guilty that I am not even though he wanted the baby never me.....wtf?! So confused and disgusted that I'm thinking about my would of been rape baby growing inside me