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I hate medication?
So, in the last year or so I've been to the hospital four times.
1. "Unexplained Psychotic Episode" - Listened to a 4 hour, online program about the psychology of confidence for like 8 or ten times, obsessed, lost my sense of reality, lots of details, etc.
2. Suicidal Intention - Was on Seroquel after I came back to college. Had severe brain fog. Abilify - same issue. Social and academic life felt like they were in ashes. Thought I'd be braindead forever.
3. "So-Called Unspecified Version of Bi-Polar" - Don't believe I had it. Looked at the program again. Triggered what felt like adrenaline overload. Happened in psychiatrist's office. Baker Acted during this last November's mid-terms.
4. Non-Stop Intrusive Thoughts.
Because of my experience with medications, I have a severe distrust of them. Right now, I take Depakote, Anafranil, and Klonapin. They work (I know because of NT testing), but there's always something with medication. I feel emotionally flat and I don't like it. I feel like I thrive through my emotions. Creativity, intellect, inspiration, motivation - I feel like these are the things that come out of emotion and I hardly feel mine. They "stabilize" my mood but they rob me of the human experience. I feel like all meds do that to some degree. I really want an alternative because I know there's more to life than this stone I have for a heart.
