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Would anyone like to comment on the imagery in this poem?:?
I stare into the glare of sun
reflected in the river's flow,
below its surface, schools of fish
flash silver as they dart then slow,
in forests strange that lurk beneath
while ripples oscillate and fade.
A sudden splash then gone from sight,
into the depths as dark as night.
16 Answers
- 4 years agoFavorite Answer
I appreciate your poem for the effort it took. But I think you're showing us a first draft. There are word choices and phrases in this I suspect you're not entirely satisfied with. A poem this simple should revel in its simplicity (be even simpler yet), but also try harder for a pithy ending, or a twist... a payout of some kind. The imagery is pretty good but nothing new or surprising. That "sudden splash" has potential... (A heron? I hoped...)
- lovechildLv 74 years ago
It has great imagery, but I sense beneath the surface, something darker needing to be tapped, some repressed unconscious feeling or thought...
- P'quaint!Lv 74 years ago
It was all too serene...until I felt the jolt in the end...imagining someone jumped in to commit suicide!
Was that the intent?
- ?Lv 74 years ago
I can identify with the imagery having spent much time on rivers. I like the feel of the poem.
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- ?Lv 74 years ago
I set upon a rock. The sun to my back. There it reflects of the sea in the flashes of polished nickle. With chum below me at my feet. Harpoon in my hand. I strike down at a silver flash. In the sea I do go to press that flash to the bottom. A great Tuna do I have. I drag that to shore. My cell phone do I take & say start the fires. For Tuna will we have tonight washed down with fine tropical rhum. You can not see down into the depths threw the reflection of the sun deep into the water to see what fish do come. So always put it at your back.
- catrin lLv 74 years ago
It's clever, the internal rhymes give it a good flow, just like the river.
Did you mean shoals of fish, rather than schools? This still keeps the alliteration going.
- Anonymous4 years ago
no