Etiquette: Politest way to avoid hugs during funerals?

Question

I'm an introvert who is uncomfortable in large groups, particularly if I don't know most of them very well, and I tend to have a rather wide "personal space bubble." For me, hugs are very intimate, reserved for immediate family members and my closest of friends.

When my grandmother passed a few years ago, there were many people attending her funeral. I knew some by name, and there was extended family; we're not close beyond a friendly greeting and polite small talk. In short, no one other than my parents and siblings was a person with whom I felt comfortable touching. (Judge me if you will; it is who I am and always have been.) There was a steady stream of well-wishers forcing hugs upon me, and rather than giving comfort, it intensified my already-deep grief and made my skin crawl.

Question: My parents are in their declining years, as hard as that is to face. When that time comes, I will be an emotional wreck. Would it be acceptable etiquette when people try to hug me to say, "Please no hugs, but thank you for your kind words and for being here"? Is there a better way to put it? If it were you, would you be offended? I don't want to upset anyone, but I have to self-protect when I'm so emotionally vulnerable.

? · Answer

Yes, I would be offended.  Make believe you have a cold

RP · Answer

The simplest, least offensive way is to stay at arm's length. If you feel the person is still going to try to hug you, then, extend your hand, grab theirs, and start shaking.. You can use your arm as a separator.

Common Sense · Answer

When someone gets within in your personal space, extend your hand in front of your body and the person will naturally shake your hand.  While that is in motion, gently place your other hand on top of their hand so they do not break away to lean in for a hug.

Pearl L · Answer

just tell them nothing personal but you dont feel comfortable with hugs

? · Answer

You are on the right track. I used to just push people away (physically) when they would try to hug me. My wife worked with me and eventually got me to just "go with the flow". When my friends and family hug me. I briefly hug them back and move on. No harm, no foul.

By not allowing people to express themselves in the way that (like it or not) is normal for most people, hurts their feelings and even the most polite denial will leave them confused and sad. Just grow up and be an adult. I haven't suffered too much allowing hugs, you won't either.

? · Answer

Reachyour hand out for a handshake so it is clear that you only want tp shake hands

Anonymous · Answer

If you were to wear one of those allergies mask on your face, and sneeze, sniffle and cough every now and then, people should take that as a cue as to keep their distance from you.  You could also tell a few of the attendees (if you see them coming at you with arms open) that you appreciate their words of sorrow, but you are having a very bad allergy/ asthma day, so please no hugging.  Other people nearby will over-hear this and the word will get around not to hug you.  I dislike hugging too, so I never inniciate it, but if for some reason a relative or close friend does hug me, it only lasts a half a second or so, and then it's over.   After they leave I pour myself a strong drink.  Then all is well.  It's weird though, how if it's a dog or a cat who hugs me, I love it and will happily return their hugs.

Dave · Answer

I avoid hugs in those situations by carrying something large enough to keep the hugs away.  I carry books, a potted plant one time, just anything that keeps people at a distance.

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Etiquette: Politest way to avoid hugs during funerals?

8 Answers