Confused. Boyfriend is incredible, but there s this one guy...?

It s complicated. No judgement please.

When I was 14/15 I joined my church youth group. There was a guy there, D, who was 4 years older. Obviously the age gap was an issue, but over the years we grew very close due to our similar interests. I was often left confused about his actual feelings towards me.

He moved away for work and got with someone else. I moved away for uni and got with my current boyfriend, J. This was 4 years ago.

D has now gone on to have a son with his gf and get engaged.

I consider J an incredible guy that I love completely. I ve never gone near anyone else, nor been tempted to. He s my first everything bar kiss.

D and I have been talking on and off. I never thought much of it because we are great friends. Then on Monday, he messaged me and we ended up sexting/having cyber sex, whatever you want to call it. I didn t hear from him Tuesday so messaged him Wednesday saying I know we chat, then don t, we re busy people, but not talking after Monday night felt a bit crap. He apologised repeatedly for mixed signals, said he d just been really hectic with the training course he s been on.

I saw J yesterday and still have the strong feelings towards him that I always have.

I m so confused. I don t know if D is using me, is also confused and we should draw the line and be friends, or more...I don t know. I don t want to hurt or lose J.

Sorry this is long, but trust me, it s the short version... Thanks in advance for any advice.