Depersonalization, Derealization help?

Well, I think this is what they call what I went through, now.

I am an old guy, and my early adult years were like this. In my case, I was building walls around myself as protective devices. It was dissociating from things I was fearful of. Things that had hurt me in the past, and I was afraid would hurt me again. Like people. Like places. Like things.

The reality of my life is not pretty. I was abused as a child in a variety of ways by a variety of people. I had self worth that was wa-a-a--a-a-a-y negative. I attempted (and failed at) suicide. So I was a REAL loser; couldn't even manage to kill myself properly.

Now, the suicide attempt was a turning point. It was a slow turn, but I managed it. I, personally, used faith as a tool. This was not one of those PRESTO! YOU ARE HEALED! things. It was coming to the realization that no matter what had happened to me in my past, my value as a human being remained unchanged in the eyes of a Higher Power (God). I also realized that I was a lot more valuable than I thought. I realized that even the misdeeds I personally committed over the years were not enough for me to be rejected.

As my faith grew stronger, I realized that a person can never be too young, too old, too sick, or too messed up for God. God takes you as you are right now, He puts people in your life to lift you up, and some of those people might be doctors. But I found that you have to advocate for yourself, and that takes confidence. Faith helped build my confidence.

I am not trying to get preachy on you, but I found that a faith life made things easier for me. It might for you, so please do not discount that.

As for your anxiety, what are your triggers? You don't have to tell me; but you have to become self aware and be unafraid to at least give a name to your enemy. Eventually, pick one. Don't start with a big one, try something that seems kind of small. Find a way to face that trigger and overcome it. Once overcome, it kind of loses its power as a trigger, and you have won that battle. Even if you never win another battle, you won THAT one, and that is something you get to keep forever more.

What parts of your person do you dislike? All of your parts have purpose, whether you like them or not. Some may have been useful to get you to survive this long. If those parts of your person are no longer useful, you have the power to retire them. Again, parts of your personality that were harmed are parts that you may want to dissociate from. Now how is that fair? Would you hate your dog because somebody else kicked him? Probably not. I would think you would want to comfort him, and offer some sort of protection. Same with your hurt parts. They need to be comforted (within reason) and protected (within reason) so they heal. Once healed, they can go back to work

A lot of times, a trigger is a person, or something that a person has done. The thing done could have been physical, mental, or emotional. Own whatever was done as a piece of your past. Disgusting and despicable as it may have been, it happened and it hurt. Document your hurt (give it a name). Give each part of your hurt a name, because many hurts are fragmented. There may be a physical component, as well as a mental component and an emotional component.

After I was abused, I could point to physical scars and tell you how I got them. I can tell you now how the events made me feel, and how they made me think. And I could name names on who administered which hurts.

What I did was name the person, and what they did to me. I named the hurts they generated and faced my tormentor in my mind. Sometimes I voiced my pain, sometimes not. But one by one, I forgave them for their decisions to hurt me, and turned the resulting pain over to God for Him to deal with as He saw fit.

Forgiveness does not mean that what they did was OK. Rather, it means that I no longer have to carry the burden of hate and anger. It does not do anything to the person I am angry at, and most of the time they do not even know what I am carrying, nor do they care. But, by choosing to drop the pain, I open a door that will allow me to see growth and repentance in my former enemy. Sometimes, when given the chance, they come to their senses and some even apologize. In my case, this allowed me to see that my own parents recognized their wrongdoing, and they were indeed sorry for what they had done. This gave me a little over a year of a fairly happy relationship with them before they died within a few months of one another.

And, one by one, I won.

And today, I can face those people personally, and I no longer am consumed with either anger or fear. My past is my past, and I can recall it as I wish. I don't wish very often, but my past is just the facts. I know what these people are capable of, but I also know that I won over them. They could not destroy me.

I don't have to build walls any more. My world around me is real, and I am a fully functional and valuable person. My past suffering is part of me, but a part that has been turned around to be a blessing to others. Maybe you, today.

It's your conservative brainwashing, avoid FOX news it will begin to help.