I don't want to live anymore I literally have no motivation for life what the hell is wrong with me?

Let me tell you a story:

There was a guy who went to Kota for his JEE preparations after his Xth boards, as most students in India do.

Early in his teenage years, he met a girl and fell for her. It was his first time on this path, but it went well. The blooming love of two teenagers was perfect until a year later, when the girl dumped the guy. She was not some crazy ***** who dumped him for someone else. It was the guy's mistake, for which both of them paid. The guy tried to get it all back on track, but his mistake was something that could not be undone.

They both still loved each other. He felt sorry for his actions and that is what made him feel more guilty, because she was paying for a mistake she never committed. When they broke up, his heart was left ripped. You can be sad if you get dumped. But if your better half is breaking up with you, and you know she will be sad too, because you are the reason for her sadness, it just kills you from the inside of your heart. For first time in his life, he felt he lost everything. Once a jolly good guy, he changed into a quiet nobody. As if it were not enough for him, something more came down to leave him shattered even more.

His monthly test results came from Bansal Classes. It was then when he actually saw his grade card in a year. There were grades, but all messed up, since he was busy loving someone. With about six months left for JEE, no studies, and a broken heart, he didn't knew what to do next. So he packed his bags, gave some health reasons to his parents and, with a heavy heart, he left. He could not even say goodbye to her, as she had already blocked his number.

Sitting on the window seat, he saw the trees passing by and he thought:

"I don't feel like living anymore. What should I do?"

He didn't jump from the train, but he did think of it twice. It's just that he didn't have enough courage to do it.

He arrived home. Could not look his parents in the eyes. He felt all the world's weight coming down on him. After about a week since he came home, his parents were not home, and that is when he tried something he had been planning since his return.

He got a rope, tied it to the ceiling fan, and hanged himself.

Call it a matter of chance or just anything else, an old friend of his who had just arrived last evening came to visit him. The servant let him in and, as friends do, he just barged into his room shouting. What he saw was something he never expected. The guy was saved by his friend, followed by a couple of slaps. He was an idiot to keep his room unlocked, but deep down he didn't want to die. He just wanted someone to acknowledge the fact that he failed. He wanted someone to tell him that it's alright, it will pass.

Isn't that what we all want? A little acknowledgement, a little belief. Maybe that's why he left his room unlocked.

He was saved. What his friend saw, kept it to himself. But that day, something in our guy changed. When he was dangling from the ceiling, he just felt like this wasn't right. This is not what he is meant to do. He is much more than that and he should just try again. It took him some days to think about his options. His friend used to come every day, but he could not make the choices for the guy, he had to do it alone.

A month passed, and in the first week of October, with five months left for JEE, the guy started again. He joined a local tuition and started studying all by himself. He still felt sad at times, but now he had the courage to pass through it. He kept studying.

He never tried to search for that girl again. With the guilt that he carried, he knew she was the only person where all his courage and determination would be useless, and he might not be able to stand it again. He thought of her everyday, but he never tried to search for her.

He kept preparing and appeared for JEE. He cracked it in his first attempt and went to IIT Kharagpur. Now this all might sound a bit filmy to others, but aren't films based on real incidents?

Yes, the guy in the story is me and I am happy to say that I have successfully completed my four years at IIT Kharagpur. I still remember her everyday, but I don't search for her. I just think if she comes in front of me today, I might not even be able to face her. It was a young thing, but it was pure. And I lost it.

But, does that mean I should kill myself ?

I have got loads of friends here, and since my first girl, I have been in relationships with other girls too, but now, even if there is a breakup, it does not mean I should kill myself