My Boyfriend thinks we should be together all the time?

Question

Just to brief you.....
I was married from age 18 to 45. I was free to go and do anytime I wanted. I've been single for 15 years. Now, I'm in a committed relationship with a great guy, but DANG I can't spend all my time with just one person.

I live by myself about 30 miles from him. We see each other several times a week and almost all of every weekend. It is very difficult for me to make plans with my girlfriends or my family without him getting his feelings hurt that I don't want to be with him all the time. It's like I have to choose him or choose a life that includes other people. He doesn't tell me "no" you can't go or anything like that, it's that his whole demeanor changes, his voice, his expressions, etc. You can tell he doesn't like it when I cringe and say the words "Hey, I think I'm going to spend this coming Saturday with my daughter." It's weird. He doesn't seem to have a lot of friends (other than his AA friends) and no hobbies to speak of. He just lives to be with me and I don't like that at all.

He books up weekends with plans for us and I can never have time with my family. He goes to AA meetings several times a week and every Saturday night. He wants me to go to the meetings with him but I'm not an alcoholic so Saturday night I'd really rather be drinking a beer and laughing with my friends. I feel like I have to choose between a relationship with him and a life of independence and peace. Is he controlling or is there a problem with me and commitment?

Janet · Answer

Relationships last when both parties are able  to get their needs met.
His needs and your needs are not compatible.  Discuss this with him, but in the end this kind of relationship only leads to ever-increasing friction and pain. 
He loves out of NEED and this  is NOT love.  A healthy person doesn't need you to fill their time and has a life of their own when they are not with you.

As for AA meetings ... you can take the alcohol out of the alcoholic, but you cannot take the "ic" out.  In other words, their drinking was just a symptom of underlying emotional problems, and you can remove the drinking, but the emotional problems remain,.

Anonymous · Answer

You're making this more complicated than it is.

When two people are in a committed relationship they need to work together as a team to identify conflict and resolve it in a way that works for both of them.

If the two of you do not have the relationship skills to do that, you can seek couples therapy and learn those skills together.

Or you can keep suffering along as you are.

Or you can break up.

Coach Simon · Answer

My, he does seem insecure; alcoholics are, of course. Good for him for sticking with AA!

You probably need to tell him that his over dependence on you is costing him your respect. Make plans with your friends and family in advance and also with him of course. Tell him that he needs to find something else to do such as voluntary work (which would also help him with his sense of self worth), group hiking, reading club or drama group. Otherwise he is putting your relationship at risk.

Good Luck!

Trending News

My Boyfriend thinks we should be together all the time?

3 Answers