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? asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 3 months ago

Sexism question:  Should a dad just stay in his place?

I'll try to keep this brief.  many years ago I got full custody of my daughter when she was about 2 yrs old.  Her mom and I went through a bitter custody fight and I was deemed the more fit parent.  She's now 24 and is about to give birth to my first biological grandchild.  I have been over the moon about it.  My daughter's mom hasn't been the best of parents down through the years.  She has 6 kids total and none of them live with her.  2 of her kids are several states away with other relatives and in the past few years her mom got hooked on crack.  My wife and my daughter's mom don't get along.  My wife and I have been together some 16 years or so.  With my daughter being pregnant she and I have always been close.  She comes tells me about every doctor's visit and I would do anything for her.  She even wants to come stay with us the last week or so of her pregnancy just to have someone drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor AND she wants to come back to our house for a few days after the baby is here because she's a little nervous about having a newborn.  Yes, she has her own place so she's not staying or moving back in.  4 years of college and my daughter's mom visited her all of 3 times.  Now, my wife feels that the birth of this baby should be the moms place.  If I drive my daughter to the hospital then I'm going to be the one holding her hand in the delivery room.  The baby daddy is several states away right now.   

Update:

We got into a big argument over her comments last night becasue she doesn't understand that what she said was hurtful to me.  I've been her dad and mom for the past 22+ years and now I need to take a back seat to an absent mom.  We live in a world where women want all this equality but this is the attitude I get from a woman.  "The birth of your grandchild is not your place."  How should I deal with this going forward.  

Update 2:

@Bubula

My wife thinks that because she's my wife now, me and daughter's mom were never married, she knows so much more about raising kids than any man will ever know.  If I go ask my mom anything then my wife gets angry.  I should have gone to her first.  If my daughter wants me in the delivery room with her then what business is it for my wife to say otherwise?  

Update 3:

My wife and I don't have kids.  She had 2 sons from her first marriage.  She's the type to where when she give her opinion or advice if you don't take it then you're basically telling her that what she's saying is not important and why did you even open your mouth.  

Update 4:

@Emily

My wife can't stand my daughter's mom but for her to say tht she needs to be the one in the delivery room floored me.  Chances are no one can even get in touch with my daughter's mom when she has the baby much less her being there to take her to the hospital and holding her hand during the process.  

Update 5:

My wife even said that my daughter and the baby could only stay with us about 2 or 3 days after the birth.  

Update 6:

@Bubula

Why would my wife feel left out?  She's had 2 kids of her own but she chooses to sit on the side line not offering any input.  She feels she needs to be asked and if she's not specifically asked then she's not important.  My wife should be the one looking at baby clothes, telling my daughter what to expect during the birth, offering advice.  When my daughter comes over and she and I are talking my wife sits there like a knot on a log.  We're supposed to turn to her and literally say, 

Update 7:

"Honey, what do you think?"

Update 8:

@Foofa

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME HERE!  The baby daddy is several states away.  Yeah, like I'm going to call him from NC and he's in NJ and I tell him, "Hurry up, she's crowning.  You have lost your mind.  IF my daughter wants me there then I'm going to be there.

Update 9:

@Anonymous

My daughter has a support system here.  Me and all my siblings.  My parents, her grandparents.  All of her cousins.  And several of my daughter's sisters are still in the area so don't assume my daughter and me are alone.  Yes, she wants me there with her in the delivery room so that has already been decided.  If the dad shows up I'll gladly step aside but if not I'll be there holding her hand.  And I've only been married once.  Me and my daughter's mom were never married. 

Update 10:

We all have been with people who changed after we started dating them.  If you knew at the beginning someone was going to be controlling or crazy chances are you'd run from them.  No, my wife was not this way while we were dating but over time she turned that way.

9 Answers

Relevance
  • Hello it is me.
    3 months ago

    Sorry I'm confused has your daughter asked you to be in the room with her?  If she has then be in there with her and screw what anyone else thinks.  

  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    Oh, where to start on your latest list of complaints about your wife. Well, for starters, you HAVEN’T been your daughter’s “mom and dad” for years. You are her father. That’s it. Whether or not you are in the delivery room is your daughter’s choice. You are WRONG that your wife SHOULD be looking at baby clothes and so forth. She’s NOT your daughter’s mother. There is no SHOULD on her side of things. So you raised a child who has a “baby daddy” and no support system (no baby daddy, no baby daddy’s family, no relatives) except for you?

    I find it VERY interesting that you have posted over and over and over about your current wife, how obnoxious she is, how she doesn’t follow your instructions, whatever else is on your mind at any specific time on any specific day. I find it VERY interesting that yesterday your complaint was that you don’t want to talk to your wife when you get home from work because you talk to people all day - but you plan on bringing an infant into the house?And to listen to you, you’ve married two losers, one of whom you had a child with. I see one common denominator in a man who marries to two losers.I’d be VERY careful before posting “you have lost your mind.” The person who commented isn’t posting HER life’s problems on the Internet every day. That’s your “thing.” She has her life figured out. You don’t, yet you insult her!

    EDIT:  I disagree with your edit.  It seems VERY odd to me that two women married you and both turned into unstable b*tches.

  • seedy history
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    Whether or not you are in the delivery room is 100% up to your DAUGHTER and not you at all. Your DAUGHTER is the ONLY person who gets to decide who is in the delivery room. This is all about her comfort, not your need to "be there". It's about HER, it is not about you. Some women are fine with a whole family in the room, some women prefer one female friend, some the father of their child, some women prefer NO ONE.  Some might prefer the only adult WOMAN who has been steadily in their life for years. 

    It's not your call. 

  • ?
    3 months ago

    Foofa,

    I have my popcorn ready because you're about to take a lashing with your line of thinking.  This man has raised his daughter since she was 2.  Apparently the courts saw enough in him to give him full custody many years ago.  Mom is a crackhead and the daughter wants him there with her when she gives birth and you think that's wrong.  Honey, you need to grow up.

  • T J
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    It is all up to your daughter who is with her, and where she stays.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    IMHO it's creepy to have anyone but the partner and the medical staff in the delivery room. Were I you I'd be on the phone to this "baby daddy" telling him to get his butt to where your daughter lives to do what he's supposed to do. Both you and your wife are off the mark on this one. 

  • Emily J
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    If your daughter want you there, then be there, you are the one who raised her and all, BE THERE.  Tell your wife, that while she married you she does not understand and it is your right to be there, not some woman who was not around for her children while they were growing up.

  • bubula
    Lv 6
    3 months ago

    Your wife's suggestion that your ex do this rather than you reflects the fact that she feels left out, or perhaps "taking a back seat" to your daughter. Do the two of you not have children together? Is it possible she feels sad or resentful? No way should you change your plans and not help your daughter through all of this, but get your wife to open up about her feelings, in couple's therapy if necessary. It will help get you all through not only the birth but the rest of your lives together.

    Best of luck.

  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    So the issue is that your wife says it's not your place to be the parent who's there to support your daughter during childbirth, when the baby's father is not available and your daughter's mother has not been an involved parent, is that right?

    Sorry, wife, but you're wrong. The expectant mother gets to call the shots, not her stepmother. Please stay in your lane.

    It's not just that it's sexism, it's that your wife thinks anyone other than the person giving birth should be in on the decision.

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