She gave me an ultimatum to choose between factoring more time for her and her needs vs. Keeping the arrangement with my son?

Question

Last night I got home with my girlfriend ultimately giving me an ultimatum: that I move in with my Mom and son or factor in more time for her and for our home. Basically, I have a 2yo from a previous relationship who needs me a lot. His mother is not in the picture because she is hooked on drugs and doesn't want to change to better for herself and him. My gf and I have been together about 1.5 years. My mother and I made a commitment to help raise him and I honored an agreement with her to try and be at her house every day to pick him up, etc and this happened BEFORE my gf. And I'm still doing so. My gf has moved in with me, and we now have a baby. But now she feels like I am never home due to work and dealings with my 2yo on the daily---and I am home, just not enough the way she wants me to be--and she is feeling left out, "needs aren't being met, feeling unhappy" so basically told me to really think about where our relationship is going. She proposed me moving in with my Mom to facilitate dealings with 2yo and that when I have time I can go be with her just not live with her and son; that newborn will be shared, too. My mother and I have to plan around my 2yo because he has high emotional needs due to trauma at birth and is proven to be DEVELOPMENTALLY (by IFSP) behind to18 months and cannot handle too much back and forth dealings! And my gf is feeling like all my time is for him and not for her and other son. He isattached 2 my mom as a mother so can't just be all about us

Foofa · Answer

My dude, your older son needs to be living with you, your girlfriend and your second child as a family. You clearly don't have a great track record in picking good women to make babies with, but come on. Your goal should be to have all your kids with you in the most stable home you can muster. If your mom is still willing to be your daytime daycare that's great. But stop making humans and dropping them off here, there and everywhere. Your mother being the guardian of your son should have been just a stopgap measure until you got yourself into a relationship with someone willing to take on the coparenting role for your son. Time to grow up and consolidate the disparate parts of your family under one roof.

Pearl · Answer

maybe you shouldnt be with her then

Anonymous · Answer

There are so many mistakes here I can't count them.  You're trying to do the right thing, but your choices are so bad it's hard to see. You started dating 6 months after your baby was born?  And now, after only 1.5 years, you're living with this gf and already have another child?   It's good you want to be there for your son, but you've got to slow down.

You did leave off one big detail.  What does your mom say about you living with her?  It sounds funny that your gf proposed this when it's not exactly her call.  There's a big difference between mom helping out during the day vs having a child living in the home.

Anyhoo, I have no idea what to suggest.  Generally, when someone gives an ultimatum, that's a sign the relationship is over.  If it helps, your top 2 priorities are those 2  kids you brought into the world.  They never asked for all this chaos and drama.  If your gf doesn't grasp why kids always have to come first, tell her you're leaving and hopefully the 2 of you can come up with a decent co-parenting plan.  This is probably going to get ugly before it all shakes out.

Archer · Answer

One can replace a GF but your child will always be yours. Don't give ultimatums unless you can handle the choice made.

T J · Answer

Your son ne3eds to come first now and forever. Your gf knew all about this from the start, no she is unhappy. Tell her to go.

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She gave me an ultimatum to choose between factoring more time for her and her needs vs. Keeping the arrangement with my son?

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