al p

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a

young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban

neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and

worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched

the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his

younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to

prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that

last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped

and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied,

"When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured

I'd better run too

or will Christians refuse to believe?

Natalie Wood could have used?

(Now all you have to do is figure out who they are?)

A: a killer stroke

why the small high school in Moorehead had triple the attendance at their football games than any other school. Research showed most of the audience was men between the ages of 25 and 55.

Several members of the board went to a game and found out why when the cheerleaders came onto the field. Eight very pretty high school girls, in tiny little skirts, turned to the crowd and screamed,

"Moore-head, Moore-head. We want Moore-head.

Moore-head, Moore-head, Give us Moore-head."

"Texas Diary" - Rated R

May 30th

Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-

conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to

see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of

cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another

scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get

used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used

to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my

lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had

swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over

$2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car

now smells like Kibbles and ****. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th

Dry God D*mn heat, my ***. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is

on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell

me he needed to order parts.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen

hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can't even go inside.

Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th

One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner

fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.

Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this F&%kin' state.

Aug 8th

If another wise *** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to

tear his F*@#king throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work

the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell

like roasted F***NG Garfield!

Aug 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.

It's been too hot to f*ck for two damn months and the weatherman

says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this

barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so

$1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool.

Even a cactus can't live in this heat. What the F*ck!?

Aug 14th

Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the

window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The

installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My

wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th

Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!%

monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than

hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new

$500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California for

some peace and quiet.

Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps and his 17 year old sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"

Johnny looks up, stares all bug eyed and replies, "That's a mean motherf*cker sis!"

Sis asked, "Why do you think he's mean?"

Johnny said, "Just look at him sis, he's got blood in one eye and sh.it in the other!"

PICK THE RIGHT BANK

You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no

money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk

took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy

down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.

He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the

name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's

signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE

A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up

banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE

One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be

positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY

Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police

guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME

Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North

Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK

Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,

shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,

fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

were looking at the dark stormy sky and

Grumpy said it looks like snow

Doc held out his hand and said it feels like snow

Doc held two fingers under his nose and said,

"It smells like Snow."

CNN just did a show where people were tested on how they view dark vs light skinned people. The people were surprised at the results. it is a Harvard test and you can take the test at

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/selecta...

or if you are the mistrusting type you can find it at

CNN.com/paula

Do you dare to see if you are as liberal as you think?

Have fun and I hope you don't disappoint yourself.

CNN just did a show where people were tested on how they view dark vs light skinned people. The people were surprised at the results. it is a Harvard test and you can take the test at

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/selecta...

or if you are the mistrusting type you can find it at

CNN.com/paula

Do you dare to see if you are as liberal as you think?

Have fun and I hope you don't disappoint yourself.

crowded elevators and crowded subways smell different to midgets??

he offends some redneck and gets punched out.

Texan hecklers don't just yell at you

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=1675

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=1675

no interest in and she said she wanted to have sex, would you do her anyway??? And just not tell?

who I tell jokes and stories to every day. I try to make them clever and funny. Do you think she will go out with me because I'm such a cunning linguist??

wedding night she offered her honor. He honored her offer. And it was honor/offer - honor/offer - honor/offer all night.

Another couple had not seen each other nude until their wedding night, as he went to take off his pants, the groom said, "I am like a baby down there."

The bride decided that if they loved each other, sex wasn't that important. "That's okay." She said. When he took off his pants, she screamed, "OH MY GOD. WHAT'S THAT????"

He said, "8lbs 7ozs and 15 inches"

The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: Alone.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?

A1: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

A: Her ankles.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?

A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: "Thanks, Guys!"

A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"

A3: Do you guys all play for the same team

A4: Who were all those guys?

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?

A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering

what she did with her pencil.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: "What's a lightbulb?"

A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A1: They both have a black box.

A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?

A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?

A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: "Nice t.its!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender"Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?

A: Because he didn't want them sh*tting in the streets during parades.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?

A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?

A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her tw.at when she stands?

A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?

A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?

A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should

cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.

"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F?

T.its go in first.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?

A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?

A: Full.

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?

A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-f*cking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?

A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: She liked kids...

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries his wife

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering in the wardrobe.

"You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy"...."Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.

2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.

3. The "57" on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.

4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.

5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.

6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn't digest itself.

7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.

9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

10. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.

13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.

14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).

16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

17. The ZIP in "ZIP code" means Zoning Improvement Plan.

18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.

19. A "2 by 4" is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.

20. It's estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world's population is drunk.

21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar

22. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.

24. The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.

25. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

26. The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).

28. Camel's have three eyelids.

29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.

30. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.

33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.

34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name "soyce".

39. Slugs have four noses.

40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).

42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.

43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON'T TRY IT, DUMBASS)

44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.

46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.

47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun's magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called "Solarmax".

49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.

50. Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.