sweetjane

Hi. Our foster child is coming up for his TPR hearing this month. Our family wants to be there, but we are NOT allowing that because of the history and background of our child, his half-sibling, and his parents that will be discussed. Following that hearing, we will petition for adoption.

I don't mean to be stupid, but do they discuss any background info in the adoption hearing? Our extended family would like to be there to officially 'welcome' him into the family, but we absolutely do NOT want them knowing his background and his family issues until/unless he wants to tell people one day. So, at the adoption hearing, are there any reasons why our family shouldn't be there or that it should be just myself and my husband?

My almost 2 year old is wonderfully outgoing. I love that about him. But in social settings, he has trouble staying 'on task'. He won't sit still if told to, he won't sit away from me at all. He won't listen to story time like the other kids--admittedly, they are all MUCH less outgoing than he is. I don't want to break him of his friendliness, but I also don't want him to be disruptive. He stays at home with me and doesn't have any siblings. I am referring to library, reading times, puppet shows, etc. At home, when told to be quiet or sit still, he has no trouble. In public, however, he gets so excited about the people/kids that he 'forgets' and refuses to do what he is told. Thanks for any ideas!

I deleted my last question, as it was poorly worded.

We are foster-to-adopt parents. We have had the child in our care for a year. Both parents' rights have been terminated 'unofficially' by the state at birth (abuse/neglect). To make it official in our state, there must be a TPR hearing.That hearing is scheduled for this month. Once that hearing is completed, we (foster-to-adopt parents) are required to find and hire a lawyer to proceed with the adoption petition.

So, my question:

I know that the court determines when the case is scheduled for the most part, but will our choice in lawyers speed up or significantly slow down the process? Like, if we pay more money or seek out a certain lawyer who claims more experience/expediancy, will that actually speed up the process, or is it all ultimately the timing of the courts and not the lawyer?

Thank you for any insight you can provide!

Knowing full well that some other attendees may be 'uncomfortable' with gay people. Frankly, I don't care. I love these guys and wouldn't dream of not inviting them to my home. They are kind of affectionate, and that is sure to make some people feel freaked out. We live in North Carolina, so people don't have much exposure to gay people here. I want everyone to be happy and comfortable, but I am comfortable with far more than some of my straight-laced guests may be. Any ideas on things to say or do to lighten the mood if I notice anyone becoming weirded out? This guy is one of my closest friends and I fully support his happiness and relationship. If people are that worried about it, they can leave...but up to that point, I just wondered if you had any ideas for lightening the mood with my rural, southern, straight-lacers. Thanks!

Why is it that so many in THIS section of YAnswers feel like this is the ONLY section where people disagree with one another; where there are 'regulars' who like to make the same point repeatedly; where there is a large group of people who agree/disagree with many of the other people posting Q & A's? Have you not been to Religion, Politics, Relationships, Parenting, etc. sections? Do you not know that this happens in every section of YAnswers?

I, for one, am sick of these people being criticized for feeling the way they do about adoption. If you liked your adoption, great; if you never wanted to search for your natural parents, fine; if you want to adopt a 'poor white infant' from an unwed mother in Iowa, Africa, China, etc, so be it....but why complain if others disagree with your goals and ideas about adoption?

It simply amazes me that no one complains about the bias and negative, hateful responses on all other sections of YAnswers....and believe me, they are there in LARGE numbers....but when it comes to this section of YAnswers, suddenly these people are horrible people for expressing their opinions and knowledge of their own experiences with the system. Is it just me, or would it not be MORE important that these people express their opinions, ideas, goals, disagreements? After all, we aren't dealing with Cats or Men's Health, but living, breathing children who deserve love, honesty, devotion to their needs and interests, and ethical behavior.

Your thoughts?

Hi.

So, it's Christmas. My beautiful little boy was an absolute joy all morning. He opened presents and gave out hugs and kisses all morning long. He was thrilled to be with his aunt and uncle, his cousins, his grandparents. I am so in love with this little boy.

Which is why I am a little sad. Today, less than 2 hours away, his mother is alone. She is without her two children. She is without her mother, who she lost to cancer this year. My mom died from cancer 6 years ago, so I know exactly what she is feeling on that front.

I can't exactly put my thoughts into words. We aren't allowed to visit her or make actual contact...but we did send a bunch of pictures to her of her son. I just wish...god, I just wish it were easier. I wish it could be like the relationship we have with his foster family....where we call each other and visit regularly. State laws require it to be different....but I guess I just wish there was some way to express to her how much I am thinking of her, how much I want her to get well, how much I want her to know her son, how much I want her to experience--in person--this amazing, beautiful little boy she created and loves.

More than anything, I just wanted to get that off my chest, but I would love to hear from others who have felt the same way, or from first parents who have dealt with the holidays without your children. I know there isn't anything more I can do legally, I just wanted to ask if others have experienced this from any part of the 'triad'. Thanks!

<<Foster-to-adopt mommy

Hi. I am a staunch atheist....that won't change without valid evidence of deities. And this part of my question is not specifically directed at you personally, but at some private, anonymous Christians. If you so choose, move on to the next paragraph/question. My children are foster kids. They were told that they would receive 1 gift donated by a local plant/business this year. However, because of the economy, the business backed out at the last minute. Some very wonderful, anonymous Christians stepped up to the plate and purchased thousands of toys and gifts for the children spanning 4 counties in my state. Today, my children--all 3 of them--received about 4 gifts each...and in exact sizes with tags included in case they didn't fit. For that, I am VERY thankful, but cannot thank anyone who remains anonymous. So, on to my question.

What have you done this year or season, anonymously or out in the open, that has benefited complete strangers in need? I don't particularly want Bible verses.....just something or a couple of things you have done this year to show people you don't even know that they are cared for and loved. Thanks for answering, and thanks to my anonymous Santa's out there--wherever you are!

Today, I mailed off pictures of our foster-to-adopt toddler. I mailed a big package of pics to his mother and another relative. While I wanted to do that, it kind of hit me--here is this beautiful little boy that everyone in the family refused to take in/raise. I was meeting with our case worker later today and told her how I was feeling about it....and how it was still a bit scary to mail off pictures that they would see and possibly fall in love with, and potentially request to raise him themselves--even though they had previously declined.

Well, my caseworker says that 'that isn't likely to happen' because whenever a child is removed from parental custody, they will ask the parent if there is anyone in the family who could possibly raise the child. Since my child's mother said that there wasn't, I really don't have anything to worry about". My jaw about hit the floor. I asked for clarification, and yes, she was accurate. They ONLY ask the parents (in my case, just the mother) if they 'know of anyone'. They do NOT go around and actually ask the family members directly. I find this a bit odd and concerning. I was under the assumption that they had extensively interviewed/sought out various family members for placement--not that they just took the mother's word. While it would be devastating to lose our child, I don't in any way agree with not following up on all possible family options before placing a child with strangers. We have had him in our care since February, so finding out about this now is a bit shocking! Do your state offices do the same thing? I am so torn. On one hand, I don't want to push that they research it more....as he knows us as mommy and daddy now....but I also thought that the entire family had specifically stated that they didn't want him.....when only his mother said that no one would want/care for him. Ugh! Thoughts?? Thanks!

Can a toddler who is in foster care do print/ad modeling, pageants, etc., if they expressed an interest? Or would they have to wait until they are adopted/old enough to legally consent? Thanks!

The 'red letters' in the Bible (words attributed to Jesus) are Jesus' actual words? Just curious. Thanks!

Hi. Could you please explain to me if Pizza Hut and Dominos Pizza drivers are getting their tips out of the new 'delivery charge'? My Pizza is 14.99...with tax, 15.73. But the charge quoted is for 17.99, which includes the 'delivery charge'......but the person working at the Dominos says that the extra is NOT the tip. How is that so? If I am charged extra for the delivery, does that not mean it is a tip to the driver? Especially since my house is about a 1/2 mile from the store. Thanks!

Ok, I know I am going to get a lot of negativity for this question, but please **try** to answer the question in the most positive way possible. I am not trying to bait you or attack your beliefs, just sincerely trying to figure this out.

Why in the world doesn't god forgive his creation without sacrifices? The OT has tons of bloody animal sacrifices, and the NT centers around Jesus being sacrificed for the sins of mankind...

But that makes no sense to me. Why did god require ANY sacrifices....much less his own child? If god were all loving and all powerful, why couldn't he just simply forgive his creation? I know many will say because we will continue to sin, but we still continue to 'sin'...even with a blood sacrifice. I simply don't know WHY Jesus had to 'pay the price'....as god could have simply looked within the hearts of his creation and he would obviously know that they were loving, faithful people, who sincerely tried to follow his will and love him, or not. Thanks!

Hi. We always get together with extended family for Christmas. All adults get each child one gift.

Every single year, my cousin brings his own children (2) and for the past 2 years he has brought his girlfriend of the month/year and that woman's child/children. I feel like we don't know these people (the girlfriend or the children) and I feel uncomfortable (and broke) being expected to get these children presents when we have never met them. This year, we know it is a 6 year old girl...that's all we know. My sister is refusing to get the child a gift, but I don't want to be rude. So, my question: if every other child will receive a gift as they are all related, is it necessary that we all provide this child with a gift as well? And also, what in the world do 6 year old girls want that is remotely affordable? Thanks!

I was wondering if you have seen this news article about Wednesday's

'Day without a Gay' protest....and if you will be participating. If you are not gay/lesbian, or don't have anything to say about the subject at hand, no need to reply. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28118228/

I live in the deep south, bible belt country.....

I was driving down the road today and came across a Baptist church with a sign that said, "Hell awaits Christ Rejectors'. A few miles up the road from that church was a Unitarian Universalist church that has a sign that said, "All are Welcome'.

Since it is your belief that all are 'sinners' who fall short of the 'glory of god'.....would YOU personally be happy to attend this Baptist church, knowing that their message is one of division and hostility--at least the first message you see upon entering? Even if you believe in a 'hell' and believe that most people will go to that 'hell,' would you want that to be the message of your church? And, if you were seeking out a church to attend or just looking into religion for the first time, which church would you look into....the one that attacks you before you even get to the parking lot or the one that says you are welcome just as you are? Just curious. Thanks!

Hi. We are in the process of adopting a little boy through foster care. We are waiting for the court date to finalize the adoption. Our state allows us to reapply to adopt only after the first adoption is finalized. So, we will reapply some time in January. Our child is almost 2. We don't really care about any other issues, problems, sex, race, etc. I am wondering, however, if we shouldn't be more age and race specific due to our child being bi-racial and us being caucasian, as well as wanting our child to feel like he doesn't lose his 'place' within the family as the 'first/oldest child'. Do you think it matters that siblings don't have the same racial makeup? I guess I fear accepting a caucasian toddler and making our current child feel like he is completely different looking from the rest of the family. Unfortunately/Fortunately!?!? we recieved the call for our child at 11 months old. We had asked for ANY aged child or children and assumed that they would place an older child with us or a sibling group. We are absolutely in love with him, but applying to adopt a foster child younger than 2 is going to be difficult, and I worry that I will be kind of contributing to the problem of older children remaining in care and aging out. We will ONLY adopt through foster care and we are NOT seeking an infant.

My main focus is on what will be best for our current child. If his needs will best be served with a child of his same or similar racial makeup and if he will be best served by remaining the oldest child in our home. Do you have any first hand knowledge or experience with multiple placements or transracial adoption? Or are you an adoptee who has any idea how it will feel to suddenly have an older sibling or one who looks more similar to your adoptive parents than you do? Any helpful suggestions/thoughts? Thanks!

Hi. We are fostering a little boy and awaiting a court date for adoption. His mother has had a rough year (a rough life to be honest) and she lost her mother to cancer just recently....as well as signing her termination papers for this child in August. Because of the many reasons her child was removed from her care, she is not allowed any contact with us or her child. I don't know her address, but I do know ways to get in contact if I needed to.

Our son had some wonderful Christmas pictures made. We plan on giving them as Christmas cards to family and friends. I am thinking of sending a card with some pictures of him enclosed through the contact that I have. I know they will give her the card if asked to do so. I don't think this would be in violation of the states demands on no contact, as we aren't communicating with her directly....but, frankly, that isn't really a concern of mine. What does concern me is that I might be 'bringing up more pain for her' by giving her pictures of her child. They are NOT family pictures....just him....but I guess I am just wondering if I should wait a little while longer or go ahead and send them. What would you do as an AP or what would you like as a first mommy? I just know that right now she is basically all alone. She may have some friends, but she has lost nearly all of her family....and I don't want to bring about more pain for her at this time. Thanks!!

Hi. We adopted a little boy through foster care in February. He is almost 2 years old. My father is a wonderful man who has welcomed our child as his own grandchild. However, my dad has never been one to express emotions or feeling very well. He will gladly do things with our child any time we ask, but frequently will 'forget' to ask to do things with him without our prompting. When they are together, grandpa will take him to do things that he can essentially do alone. For example, he will take him to the library and just sit there and watch him play with other children...or to the playground to do the same thing. I KNOW my father loves him--and he did the same with us when we were growing up--so it isn't some sort of different treatment. What I want to know is if you can help me think of some things they can do together that will require my father to be more of a participant than just a bystander. The 'problem' is only increased if my husband or I go along on an outing....as that gives my father 'permission' to not do anything except watch us care/play with him. Dad will make tiny efforts....like hugging him when they first see each other, but the second my child wants down, it is almost as if my father feels useless and just gives up.....when, in reality, he is a 2 year old who has a very short attention span. I guess I am just seeking ideas for their bonding and for building up my dad's confidence. I know....kind of a large request...lol. Any help is appreciated. Thanks!

To those Christians who preach 'hell' as a place of eternal suffering and fire, and to those Christians who say that all other religions and people who do not believe in Jesus/the Bible, what do you have to say about Billy Graham's comments. Is he just wrong? Is he too going to 'hell' because he doesn't believe as you do? Just wondering.

Billy Graham in an interview with McCall's magazine:

"I used to believe that pagans in far-off countries were lost, were going to hell, if they did not have the Gospel of Jesus Christ preached to them. I no longer believe that. I believe that there are other ways of recognizing the existence of God through nature, for instance, and plenty of other opportunities, therefore, of saying yes to God."

"The only thing I could say for sure is that hell means separation from God. We are separated from his light, from his fellowship. That is going to be hell. When it comes to a literal fire or suffering, I don’t preach it.

-In Newsweek, Billy Graham said

Most (NOT ALL) Christians in 1st world situations seem to be all about 'suffering'. They talk about being 'persecuted', they talk about god allowing suffering to 'better their relationship' with him. This is but one example of many:

"He ALLOWS us to suffer because he wants us to put our faith in him during these trials. It is to increase our faith in Him & strengthen our walk with Him.

If you agree with this statement, have you never visited a 3rd world country?? Have you never seen the vast amount of true suffering that plagues millions around the world--many of whom are Christians themselves?

It seems like you are using your own worldview to define suffering. While we may have bad days...while we may have horrible accidents and disease, I can't imagine that ANY American can compare their 'suffering' to any person living and trying to survive in the 3rd world. 9 million children under the age of 5 have died this year from a basic lack of food. 35,000 die daily from a lack of clean water and food staples. Have you ever had to watch your own child starve to death?

Ultimately, the question is: Why would ANY god allow this magnitude of suffering? Why would ANY god choose to allow YOU to eat, YOU to work, YOU to live and feed your children....while turning his back on millions of others--based solely on their location in the world. And, equally important, why would YOU talk about YOUR suffering, knowing full well that your life is far more privliged, far better than 99% of the world's population.