newguyintown86

What's the difference between Sarah Palin naked and Michelle O'Bama naked?

Answer: Playboy and National Geographic

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same

barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different

barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for

fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama

in his chair reached for the after shave. Obama was quick to stop

him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think

I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about

you?' McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the

inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

It's about 11 years old, Whirlpool, Model LGR7646EQ2. I replaced the igniter and it won't light up. Any ideas?

It's a 42 inch Panasonic, 3 years old. The picture is now very fuzzy (dark and grainy). The other TV's in the house are fine. Is it time to replace the bulb?

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to

see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for

back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly

approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and

murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to

the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a

license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the

owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the

models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in

this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look

at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very

expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!

Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one

too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did

you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I

got her clothes yesterday!'

A young ventriloquist was doing a show. With his dummy on his knee, he started

going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the second row stood

on her chair and started shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes,' she screamed. 'What

makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a

human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being

respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential

as people. It's all because you and your kind continue to perpetuate

discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general –

and all in the name of humour.

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologise, whereupon the blonde yelled,

'You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little bas**rd on your lap'

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, “Geez, you’re old!” “Yeah, that may be so, but I can still out run you,” replied the older employee. “How about a foot race to see if you’re right?,” said the younger employee. With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they came up on the last corner, the younger sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop and ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, “Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter and when I saw you running away, I figured I’d better run too!”

We're selling our refrigerator as an extra along with our house. What is a fair rate of depreciation? We paid $2,600.00 for it 3 years ago.

Do you get money for them? What's the incentive?

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a

carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is

married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling

marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are

prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for

the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail

awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in

Longview .20She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look

forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and

honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for

President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked

him straight in the eyeand said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody,

anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,

front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,

sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean

. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it

ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No

kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you

with?'

'As good as this is,' said the Scotsman,

> 'I still prefer the pubs back home.

> >

> > In Glasgow, there's a wee place called

> McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the

> locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth

> drink.

> >

> >

> >

> > 'Well, Angus,' said the Englishman, 'At my

> local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your

> third drink after you buy the first two.'

> >

> >

> >

> > 'Ahhh, dat's nothin',' said the

> Newfie. 'Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the

> Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place,

> they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks

> you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough

> drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets

> laid, all on the house!'

> >

> >

> >

> > The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the

> Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

> >

> >

> >

> > 'Well,' said the Englishman, still suspicious.

> 'Did this actually happen to you?'

> >

> > 'Not meself, personally, no,' admitted the

> Newf. 'But it did happen to me sister quite a few

> times.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an

>> > attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My

>> > name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a

>> > beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family

>> > name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it

>> > to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and

>> > men." "What's your name?", she asked.

>> > He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'"

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town

and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! "

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. "

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of

their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick b**tard.'

On the lake today my friend was driving his 26' cuddy cabin boat with no hands on the wheel for 10 to 20 seconds at a time. We were doing between 30 and 35 mph. It really bothered me. No other boats were around us. Is this safe?

A Police officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real

jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is

being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the

red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade,

questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in

rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower

right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs

the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to

the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that

you're an A**hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad

driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer

to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man

run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney

asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued

my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature

and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this

ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is

an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for A**hole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

You know how it is when you are just sooo stressed out and life and stuff

seems to get funny even when it really isn't?

yeah well,....

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work. So there we are,

stopped alongside the highway and slowly th e other driver gets out of his

car,

I could NOT believe it . . . I was totally taken by surprise. The guy was a

DWARF!

I'm OK so far, I can handle this I said to myself.

But then he storms over to my car, looks up at me and yells, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?' . . .

And THAT'S when the fight started.

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff I $imply ain’t thinking of anything. $o you can ju$t $end me a card and nothing el$e a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

Father replies.

Dear Son,

I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love Dad.