karen

My BIL's Marine Corps discharge paper says;

Type of seperation-Discharge

Reason- KFS-1

Type of certificate-DD258

It also says he got The National Defense Medal of Honor

What it all mean??

Here are a few hints.

He was a world famous New Zealander

He had a candy bar named for him

A movie was made about him

His picture has been on postcards

Famous people including Mark Twain and Rudyard Kipling came to see him

Sailors loved him

A law was passed to protect him from harm

He disappeared in 1912

He was a great swimmer

"He" may have been a "she"

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for hi s wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he d eposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of

string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for

your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

A lawyer and a redneck from TN. are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends

e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down

with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with us rednecks. We only talk dumb....

Gotta love the elderly, after all we'll be there someday!

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to

her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine

March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the

second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ___________________________________________

WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,

"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex.." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

___________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_____________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on

Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just

one car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the

light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the

light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other

woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

______________________________________________________

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say,

"Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the

officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says "She got in the back-seat by

mistake."

Subject: Grass Snakes - Deadly??

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can

be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not

Rattlesnakes.

Here's why:

A couple in Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent

cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to

protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a garter snake was hidden in one of the plants

and then it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it

go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the

living room to see what the problem was. His wife told him there

was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the

behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and

fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up,

told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and

loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the

Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the

stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the

hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she

called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a

rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he

decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa

in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,

where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and

fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use

CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the

grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and

slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned

goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it

needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her

neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so

she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the

kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it

down the man's throat.

The police arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed

that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them

all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a

little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and

his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table

fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it

started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell

through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who,

startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming

car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who

called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they

were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the

overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the

telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the

house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the

house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new

car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced

a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he

thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however

They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to

Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive

Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she

Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to

Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned

That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,

so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the

worst.

My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,

'Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that

Said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.''

Okay Fireman Bob what do you about this???

This was sent to me in an e-mail, sounds like a great deal but I need to find the forms, any ideas?

> FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!

>

> Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

>

> The Honorable Tom Harkin

> 731 Hart Senate Office Building

> Phone (202) 224 3254

> Washington DC, 20510

>

> Dear Senator,

>

> As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

>

> My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

>

> Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

>

> Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

>

> Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

>

> Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

>

> If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

>

> Your Loyal Constituent,

> Burlington, IA

>

> Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

>

> Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer.

>

>

>

>

> "It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work." William Faulkner

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a tur-d by the clean end.

My Husband says supper is the evening meal and dinner is the noon meal, I say dinner is the evening meal and the noon meal is lunch! What are they called where you are from, and please tell me what state or country you are from.

Thanks!

I heard a song that reminded me of my first love, Michael Selwyn (not giving last name!) I would love to know what happened to him, and also a boy named Brian I need to apologize to, he wrote me a sweet love letter and I corrected, graded and returned it to him, it's always bothered me that I was so mean even though I was 13 at the time!

Do you have anyone like that in your memories?

Earlier today I decided to do some spring cleaning. opened windows to let fresh air in, took the screens off to clean them, put them on the deck to dry.

Then in my spring fevered brain I thought I would get the fallen leaves from around the bushes in front of the windows, got out the leaf blower, and went at it, then the phone rang and I thought wow it sure is loud for me to hear it over the leaf blower.

That's when it hit me-I had the windows open, no screens on them and I was blowing dust and leaves into my clean house, needless to say I had a mess.

Can anyone top that for doing something stupid?

I am making Ruebens, serving Guinness and Bushmills, and I made Key lime pie for dessert. Any other ideas?

I hope everyone has a great night, and a safe one.

Go mbeannai Dia duit

(May God Bless You)

Chuckles- please don't eat the rice!!!

why do you think it is still around and what do you think it will accomplish, what do you think it will harm?

It is important that a man helps around the house

It is important that a man makes you laugh

It's important to find a man that loves and spoils you

It's important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you

It's important that these four men don't know each other!

One more- One saggy boob to the other saggy boob:

If we don't get some support soon people will think we're nuts!

Sorry, but I just had to!! ;)

She acts like she is straight, even will make comments like "I hope I'm not pregnant" to co workers. I have told her that those of us that are her friends will always be her friends, those that would stop being her friends over her sexuality were never friends to begin with. I hate it that she feels she has to pretend to be someone she isn't.

I want to help her to just be herself, and stop worrying about the ones that might judge her. I hate seeing her live a lie, or should I stay out of it? I just want her to be happy.

I had been using all of my vacation and personal days to get my home rebuilt, we lost three rooms and had smoke and water damage in the rest of the home.After using all paid time due to me I had to take a leave of absence, we started of with a month, but the contractors had not even begun to finish the job, so had to extend leave, my employer said to take the time and we would fill out the form for leave upon my return, as I did not know an exact date the work would be done. Unknown to me they had started giving me points after the first leave, I got a letter in the mail that I had been terminated for violation of the attendance policy. I had been calling in everyday to let them know what was going on, and had no clue I was getting points, now they say I voluntarily quit! I have been with them for over 14 years. To complicate matters a bit, my husband is a manager with same company. Why did they not say something about giving me points, when I had the understanding I was on leave! HELP

I went to India in 1978 and married I was 15 years old and from the U.S., my "husband" was 30 years old and from India, I was an emancipated minor in the U.S. and my husbands Father signed for me as guardian in India to be married. We came back to the U.S. a month later, and have had two beautiful children. My Husband is now deceased and I have been told since that our marriage was not really legal, and I was hoping a Lawyer in India could tell me if this is true? My parents had not given permmission, but I was emancipated so did not think I needed permmission. Any help is appreciated, and if it matters our children are over 18, so no one is expecting to get social security benefits!

I went to India in 1978 and married I was 15 years old and from the U.S., my "husband" was 30 years old and from India, I was an emancipated minor in the U.S. and my husbands Father signed for me as guardian in India to be married. We came back to the U.S. a month later, and have had two beautiful children. My Husband is now deceased and I have been told since that our marriage was not really legal, and I was hoping a Lawyer in India could tell me if this is true? My parents had not given permmission, but I was emancipated so did not think I needed permmission. Any help is appreciated, and if it matters our children are over 18, so no one is expecting to get social security benefits!

My 80 year old house needs to be rewired to code, it has old ceramic insulators and cloth covered wires, it has three bedrooms, kitchen,dinning room, living room, small hallway, and one bathroom, and two enclosed porches. There are only two outlets per room in the larger rooms so at least two more will be added per room, plus fire alarms in each b.r., hall, and D.R. Any guestimates would be great, I live in Tennessee.,Near Knoxville. I will also have to have a bigger box put in, mine is only 100 amp., and it will need to be moved from cellar to outside of house, so says the city inspector!! Thanks!!!