Ishida

I am not really sure what kind of condition I am in. It always seem like people see me as a depress person, but it doesn't really bother me that much. I get anxious and stress out very easily it. But I see it as normal since I am a human being. I can be quite negative at times in my own head, but at the same time I mostly have the expect for the worse and hope for the best attitude. I am quite apathetic in almost everything. I have no interest and find no purpose or value in life. I just simply live it day by day.

Reason why I'm still here is probably because the choices I make will later on effect another person's life I have enter such as my mother. It will make her depress as well as putting all of her effort to waste into raising me. Pretty much I am just lingering onto life. Maybe if I try to help other people and bring joy to other people's life they may give me some motivation or inspiration. It's been a few years and no luck. I feel like this world is just getting to superficial being influenced too much by technology and media to the point that no one really have a mind of their own. To me the world is more dead to me than I feel about myself, people are just complete zombies with no actual will. I am just waiting for someone to tell me it is okay for me to kill myself.

I know is strange. Most people would want to better themselves as a human being while I want the opposite. The problem is I really dislike who I am because it will eventually let to my downfall. I feel like it is a poison to my life. People take advantage of me, I let it happen because I constantly give unconditionally. I am too trusting revealing personal secret that cause people to judge, discriminate, and shun me even after getting hurt continuously. I continue to offer my service for others even though they will never be grateful and will only ask for more. I mean seriously I am so self aware of myself about these things and yet repeatly continue these mistake. It is a habit I can't control and I don't know why. I tried to not care, but my guilty conscience keeps gets the better of me. It's like mission impossible for me. Only a fool will repeat their mistakes.

After consistent disappointments where ever I go, I really don't give a crap anymore. At first I thought to myself I am just not meeting the right people or maybe the right people are in the wrong places. but then after a couple of years of soul searching, traveling and meeting new group, they are all just the same. We agree to what we feel is comfortable and disagree to what's uncomfortable. Every time I meet someone knew I would always try to get to know them more regardless of who they are. Obviously everyone have their own life story which makes them unique and how the environment or their own personality influence the choices they make leading to who they become today. I don't mind just sitting and listen to them all day. I'm not sure if I am asking too much; but I really want to be wrong for once about not all people only care about self interest instead all I hear are what ticks them off and two-faced gossiping hypocrites that never wants to be wrong. All these things can be said right back at me because they may be true to me too. I've been pulling myself together this whole time, but sometimes I feel like I want someone else to pull me up so that I don't feel so alone because I know I've been there for people, but where were they when I was at my lowest. Maybe I need a girlfriend or a wife like figure, that way we can be each other's support. I doubt I can get one though. But I guess relieving my thoughts on Yahoo Answers is an alternative.

A decision with rhe amount of good of choosing one choice is just as great as the bad of not choosing the other. A decision that will impact the world immensely. Choices that is so hard so decide that you want both, but can't.

I am 19 and I was curious of what this midlife crisis thing was about. So I looked up the symptoms for it and apparently it feels like I have most of them. Excessively looking back to my childhood, hanging out with different generations, kept thinking about life and death, having a desire to teach others and change the world for the better, feeling trapped in my current family relationship, having an urge to investigate new ideas, beliefs, and philosophy, shifting sleep patterns, and often look into the mirror just to question who I am. I thought I am just being myself because I've always been like this since awhile back like 16 if not 15 years old. So am I going through this phase?

I don't believe in destiny nor is there anything that's already predetermined. But I always feel like everything is meant to be. Everything that happened in this world were meant to build for this moment right and everything at this moment are meant to build something else for another moment. Whatever I choose to think, to do, to say now will still lead to a possible consequence of the unknown future. I don't even care what I feel anymore. Whatever happened in the past days, hours, or seconds, it can be joy, embarrassment, or sorrow, I just don't give a crap nor do I have any regret about it. I feel like a puppet having it's strings pull by an unknown force. I can say I have all these free will and it is my choice to do this, but it is probably part of a script already like an author writing a book. I am that character and the unknown force is the writer. It feels like the more someone think they're in control, the more it is possible that they are already being manipulated. Therefore I don't see the point of trying to be in control. I will just try to better myself as each day goes by. I can choose to smile or cry, so why cry when you can smile. If I feel depress, why should I worry so much about it because it will eventually go away. If I'm sad, then I'm sad, if I'm joyful, then I'm joyful, if I suffer, then I suffer, if it happens, then it happens. I'm satisfy with everything that's going on with not much demands as there will be an end for me anyway.

I have this really strong affection toward her. I tried to move on and failed miserably. But I'm still.trying. Will I make things worse by approaching her and say "I like you... what should I do?"

I know beliefs are important, but because of all these separate beliefs, we are divided among ourselves. I mean either beliefs can be right or all beliefs can be wrong. But even if one of the beliefs is right and the others are wrong, can't you just pray for each other for the better despite knowing the fact of your belief. You can't really force someone to belief in something they just don't believe in. I don't know much about other beliefs, but with the abrahamic beliefs are like that. I don't even read the quran or the bible, but I'm pretty sure there's something in there with the golden rule "One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself" in it. When it comes to beliefs for me, my attitude is something like this "I respect your beliefs, and I'm really happy you have something to believe in. But no matter what you say will make me believe it. Maybe one day a miracle from your god will make me to believe as well and I hope for that day to come. As much as I don't like being burn for eternity in hell and I probably will regret it then. There are those very slim 0.000000001% chances of being wrong and I can be right. Just pray for the best for me and hope a miracle will happen that will change the rule. I will definitely do the same for you if I have an opposition with similar principles/commandments. I don't want you to doubt your belief, but I hope you can change your attitude toward our belief and may your god watch over you."

Girls has liked me before in the past and is pretty obvious to me even if their best friend didn't tell me it. I've been playing dumb trying to pretend I don't even notice since they are not confessing it. It just makes me uncomfortable and feel responsible for their feeling toward me. It is like either the way I am rejecting them because I just don't feel the same way even when I gave it a chance to work out. I tried that with my ex who's my very first girlfriend. I thought if we took things slowly some feelings might start to develop. But in the end I only hurt her by breaking up. Although she did not blame me and still liked me, I feel guilty for hurting her. I don't want that to happen again to her or to anyone else. I feel like if I just ignore their feeling I'll be hurting them and I'll still be doing the same thing even if I go straight up and told them I know they like me, but it's not going to happened. Even getting rejected doesn't feel this bad.

I'm not sure but I think there's a rule where the doctor and the patient are allow to date because it is unethical. So if you like someone that's around that profession but at the same time you became a patient first before meeting them. How does that work?

I am not emotionally numb, but it feel kind of similar to it. It is not being emotionless and having memories of past feelings either. I don't even know how to really describe this feeling I have. I have feelings as if I don't them at all. I can feel all these emotions yet I don't feel them at all. I'm not making any sense but is true. It is like I have these emotions present and my mind is feeling yet I don't really feel it spiritually.

It is like a zombie that suddenly start having emotion and asking itself what is this feeling why he is feeling this way except I know what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling this way.

It is pointless for me to ask because it feels pointless asking something that don't make sense and people probably don't understand. But is worth a try in case someone actually knows.

If believing in nothing is still believing in something then what am I believing if I don't believe in something yet I don't believe in nothing. This came into my mind when the question of whether a higher being exist or not pop up. I don't believe that there's a higher being yet at the same time I don't believe there's no higher being because there's no proof that it exist nor is there proof that it don't exist. I'm just leaving it to the unknown. Am I still believing in something? Am I believing in the unknown and is the unknown something? Then what is the unknown?

Whenever I sing in a karaoke I always need the vocal to be on. When it's off my voice just starts shaking unless someone is singing along with me. Some people always make fun of me because of that.

I'm into older and mature women. For some reason I'm just not that into girls under and around my age even when they're really cute and are into me. I get along with the ladies older than me just fine until I told them my age. Just because I'm 1-3 years younger, they think I'm too young for them. I did get their numbers and they really enjoy being around me, but they only see me as a little kid or a brother because of my age. Basically I got friendzoned for being too young. Is like before I tell them how old I was everything ia fine, they seem to have an interest in me, then when I reveal how old I am, they just feel really disappointed.

We just met, we don't really talk much and I don't know any good ways to approach her without trying to hit on her. She's busy giving the tour and I'm with my family. I would like to get to know her more. But it feels like this one of the worse situation for me. She's always with the group and if I try to seperate from the group to have a private conversation, my family may feel a little suspicious. I'm too shy to go for it and I know this feeling will fade yet my mind is telling me to stop being a coward and just go for it. Any advice and motivations?

After some previous experiences that I had with people and society I just feel kinda sick of it overall. I was depressed and I often kept questioned why this and why that are like this during my time high school, now I just feel nothing. I have no right to judge yet I can't help myself to pity oneself and human kind just because we all have a deformed sense of value. Being dishonest and having this kind of self/group sense of humanity's importance, who's right and who's wrong, or what's normal and what's abnormal. I mean in the end can we really define what it means to be human or even the meaning of life? What makes me feel disgust is how this useless notion of how order and sanity works as well how people are trying to be so perfect when their mouth spur out that everyone is imperfect. These people always have this misplaced sense of self-righteousness and justice. But once you put the right amount of weights on them and give them a little push, they'll fall right down to the level they've judging down upon. It feels like we the people are making it harsh for ourselves. Even if one does not make it harsh for oneself, others around will making harsh that one person. I see no good or evil, all I see is one big confusion within a harsh and irrational world. This makes us human species look so pathetic despite our intelligent. I know this world can be a better place if we can just work together and get along with one another. The human species have been around for thousands or years if not a million. So why is it so hard for us all to live in harmony? Is it just because we're human that we're unable to do such thing?

I may not be making any sense and some people might think I'm some kind of psychopath. But I feel like I should share my thoughts around even if a lot of people around are close-minded pricks.

I already have enough problems already. I don't want to complain, but sometimes I just feel like things are just too unreasonable. I am not that good in school, during my first year of college I believe I can handle being a full time student. During my first semester I tried my best and failed half my class. I thought if I tried harder my second semester I can try to make it up and instead I flunk it. So I believe being full-time is not right for me as I have to deal with school work and I have to deal with problems outside the school. I received a letter saying I'm on academic probation because I have a low GPA. That sounds reasonable, so I tried my best and I did pretty good because I am not taking as much courses as I did last year. Even though I have so much crap to deal with, I feel pretty good. I believe that I am finally steadying my pace. Now the semester is over they sent me a letter telling me that I'm dismiss because my GPA is not high enough. I really want to flip a table because I already did my best. I got As on my classes this semester and just because I didn't hit the standard I am being kicked out of school. I know they don't care about my personal issues, but it feels like they want to suffocate me. What frustrates me is that they never even told me once that there's a standard, I was naive because I believe they'll be looking at how well I'm doing this semester and not the overall performance. This is just so ridiculous that I just don't know how to deal with it. Right now I feel like college is pointless. I am being tested on things that they expect us to learn from high school which was never taught to us, if you are stupid they'll just flip you bird telling you that if you're not smart enough don't go to school because stupid people are not welcome even if they work their *** off going to tutoring and study all nights off before an exam.

If so how?

I've been asked to forgive over and over again for years because she's my elder sister. But I jus.t can't, even if I say I forgive her, my feeling of resentment remains. It is also because she's my sister that gives me more of a reason not to forgive her. I am really frustrated and angry with her at the same time it really hurt me to see her the way she is. I cannot judge her nor could I change her. This is something she had done to herself. She can continue to question why I'm so cold to her and she should've realize it is because she is too prideful and self-conceited to even care about others. Many people told her the error of her ways and she neglects them. In the end so many people gave up on her. She caused so much problems and so.much pain for the family and myself and I can't blame her but only myself for not being able to become a stronger person for the family. I really wish she can change but I fear that's impossible. She had dug a hole too deep. The only thing I can do is hope. Even after all the wrong she's done, whenever she's in trouble, I still help her. But she goes unnoticed that her family will always be there for her. Will I ever be able to forgive her?