Who I Am

Maybe it's too much to ask, but as a lesbian, I just want to find another woman to be with. Sure, I have my standards--Can't look like a man, no smoking, no heavy drinking/drug use.

But that's really it as far as immediate deal breakers.

Yet, it seems like the only women I meet are "bisexual"(I use the quotes cause the majority are just attention seekers), with boyfriends/husbands and want a threesome or for me to be a sideline relationship.

On the off chance I meet a single woman who is interested in women, typically she looks like one of my brothers and stinks like an ashtray. If she's remotely appealing, she typically just wants a casual sex sort of thing.

I mean, am I too old fashioned to believe in monogamy?

Am I a fool to want someone to write love poems to, take out to dinner, or just cuddle on the couch with?

I may have an attraction to a FTM transgendered person. But the thing is, I've never even been attracted to a butch lesbian. Never saw the point in dating a chick that looks like a dude when I don't like guys.

But 'he' likes to dress like a girl now and again but considers himself dragged out when he does. I find him really attractive as a girl and we have very artistic personalities that mesh.

Yet, he says he thinks of himself as a gay man but can be attracted to a boyish girl, and he likes me.

I'm not a boyish girl, so it leaves me kind of wondering.

All the things I find physically attractive about 'him' are things a typical FTM does not like in themselves, but he sort of does cause he likes to be in drag.

Okay, this all sounds confusing. But I'm not some high school kid who hasn't figured themselves out--I know who and what I am.

My question is, should I even pursue this? And if he's an FTM transgendered person, why does he enjoy 'drag'?

Okay--This guy, I've known for a few years seems to be coming onto me. He always wants to cuddle and touch and wants my approval for everything. But he's gay.

Or, at least I think. He's always identified as homosexual until the last year. Now he has a long distance relationship with a girl, who pretends to be a guy through FaceBook. Yes, weird. But whatever.

Now he likes to look like a girl and refer to himself as a girl. But he doesn't want to be a girl. He says he likes having a penis and he doesn't want to be female. But he doesn't actually like looking male and got his hair styled a feminine way and shaves himself to try and be as hairless as possible in his body and he dresses on the verge of female--Blouses, v-necks, clothing designed to give the impression of cleavage and an hourglass, but not skirts or dresses, though he really wants a corset.

Kicker? I'm a lesbian. I'm not interested in men at all, sexually. But he really seems to try to get me to see him as a girl so that we can be together, even though he has his weird facebook girl-boy friend. I outright asked him if he was attracted to me and he said yes and that he would love a relationship with me.

But I'm not butch. I don't pretend to be a man nor look like one. I'm not a super girly type but I'm a definite female. I'm a DDD, it would be hard to look like a dude. XD

I like him okay as a friend. He's kind of an attention whore, but he's sweet and socially awkward. Now that I think about it, he got his hair cut like mine, so I'm not sure if he is somehow idolizing me or something.

But the thing is, if he said, "I want to become a girl" I would treat him as female. But he doesn't want to be a girl, but doesn't like being a boy, except for apparently his penis, and still wants to be treated as female in large part....

This is just beyond my comprehension. I'm a very empathetic, understanding woman. But I got nothin'. He really seems to think I can understand him and seems to think of me as just so wise, but I'm only a year and a half older than him at most! And I'm not even 20 yet.

How do I treat him appropriately without making him think I'm somehow interested?

I've been in love with this girl since middle school. She was my first love, first sexual partner, and first major heartbreak.

We're still friends. Sometimes, I feel like she still loves me--When she smiles at me and gets excited about us hanging out. And even when I stay over her house, sometimes we hold hands in the dark.

But her mother knows nothing about our past relationship and she seems a tad embarrassed when I tell people. But when we've talked about it, we've agreed we wouldn't change it. But.... I still love her.

I think she knows I love her, but she never comments on it. I've had girlfriends since and they never work out. I love them, but I never fall in love. Plus I seem to have a bull's eye on my back for control freaks....

What do I do? How do I get her back? How do I confess without possibly ruining our friendship? How do I move on?

Please help.