Keepa Keepa

So, I have an iPhone. It's not jailbroken, and I'm on AT&T. Say, if I jailbroke it, would AT&T continue to work?

Kudos to the person with the best answer ^.^

Enjoy! Star if you liked it.

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

--????

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

There's a Japanese, a Hawaiian, and a Blonde stuck on an island. The Blonde starts crying,"I'm hungry!" Hawaiian said, "Eh, shut up already." Then the Japanese points out that there's a bottle in the sand. The Hawaiian opens it, and out comes a genie! Wow! The genie gives them all one wish. The Japanese wish was that he were a big Japanese super star. The Hawaiian's wish wa that he was back in Hawaii and throw a big luau. The Blonde thinks, "HHmm.. Maybe a cheeseburger, a steak.." He looks around and says,"Hey, it sure is lonley here.... I wish my friends were back with me. He gets his wish, and gets beat up by the two.

Date Excuses

Hopefully you've never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that "special" someone asks you out and you don't know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.

1. I have to floss my cat.

2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.

3. I want to spend more time with my blender.

4. The President said he might drop in.

5. The man on television told me to say tuned.

6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

7. I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

8. It's my parakeet's bowling night.

9. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

10. I'm building a pig from a kit.

11. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

13. There's a disturbance in the Force.

14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

15. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

16. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

18. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

19. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

20. My crayons all melted together.

21. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

22. I'm in training to be a household pest.

23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

24. My patent is pending.

25. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

26. I'm sandblasting my oven.

27. I'm worried about my vertical hold.

28. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

29. I'm being deported.

30. The grunion are running.

31. I'll be looking for a parking space.

32. My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

33. The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

34. I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

35. I have to fluff my shower cap.

36. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

37. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.

40. I have to fulfill my potential.

41. I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

42. It's too close to the turn of the century.

43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

44. My subconscious says no.

45. I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

46. I left my body in my other clothes.

47. The last time I went out, I never came back.

48. I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

49. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

50. None of my socks match.

51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

52. I'm having all my plants neutered.

53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

56. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

58. I'm touring China with a wok band.

59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

60. I never go out on days that end in "Y."

61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

62. I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

63. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.

64. I'm too old/young for that stuff.

65. I have to ash/condition/perm/curl/tease my hair.

66. I have too much guilt.

67. There are important world issues that need worrying about.

68. I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.

69. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

71. I feel a song coming on.

72. I'm trying to be less popular.

73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.

74. I have to bleach my hare.

75. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

76. I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

77. You know how we psychos are.

78. My favorite commercial is on TV.

79. I have to study for a blood test.

80. I'm going to be old someday.

81. I've been traded to Cincinnati.

82. I'm observing National Apathy Week.

83. I have to rotate my crops.

84. My uncle escaped again.

85. I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

87. I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.

89. I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

91. Having fun gives me prickly heat.

92. I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

93. I have to jog my memory.

94. My palm reader advised against it.

95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.

97. I prefer to remain an enigma.

98. I think you want the OTHER [your name].

99. I have to sit up with a sick ant.

100. I'm trying to cut down.

101. My asthma is acting up again

102. That would interfere with my time to wait for the government to take me away.

103. You're ugly, I'm busy, have a nice day

104. Its my goldfish's birthday

105. Uh, I have stuff to do.

106. I have to make an air sandwich

107. I have to hide the bodies.

108. I don't have time to go on a date...with YOU!

109. I have to wash my hair.

110. I have to clean my toilet

111. I need to spend quality time with my weed wacker

112. I need to clean the air in my room

113. My hamster is having a heart transplant and I need to stay for moral support.

114. I caught a rare deadly African disease that's highly contagious.

115. My gerbil is getting married.

116. I have plans to clean the cracks in my floor

117. Sorry, when you came to my door I mistook you for a mormon and took cover.

118. I had to rob your house

119. That's the night I reorganize my rock collection.

120. Pinnochio is on tonight

121. I have to try out for the ice skating team at school.

122. I don't date outside my species

123. Sorry I think I'm gay

124. I have to go...........over..............there.

125. My butt is to big in this dress

126. I have to take out the trash

127. My dog had baby kittens.

128. I can't, I need to take my computer apart and put it back together.

129. I have to go shopping for my mother.

130. I'm sorry, I have to rotate the strings on all of my shoes.

131. No

132. I told my car I would tenderly rub wax into it's body

133. I have to go for my full body wax appointment

134. I can't I was asked to go to another party w/o you

135. I don't date goats!

136. Ally Mcbeal is on

137. I'm reading with my widower

138. I have to brush my teeth.

139. Alf comes on soon

140. I'm sick.

141. I've had a better offer, some bloke is coming round to set fire to my head

142. I'm busy cleaning the blood off my axe

143. My dad said I can't date till I am married

144. I'm shaving my dog.

145. It's against my religion to date people named (insert relevant name)

146. My grandma is on fire.

147. I'm getting married tonight.

148. I'm engaged.

149. I don't want to ruin our friendship.

150. I have family in town.

151. I just washed my hair.

152. It's that time of the month again.

153. My father's grandmother's aunt's mother died.

154. I have to take down the Christmas lights.

155. I have to go to a surprise party for my grandma's birthday.

156. I left my tolerance in another coat.

157. I just got back together with my ex

158. I don't like people.

159. I have to alphabetize my CDs. (Hey, is that supposed to be insulting to me? -- dan)

160. I might see someone who knows me.

161. My brother's sister's mum's son's dad died.

162. I would, but it would be a complete waste of make-up.

163. My pet snake is constipated again.

164. I have a phobia of people named (insert name here).

165. I have to teach my pig to sing.

166. I just got sick (right after you asked me out).

167. My dog is too tired.

168. I never said I'd go out with you, that was my evil twin.

169. I would go out with you but my waiting list is full.

170. There's a four hour TV special on trimming shrubbery.

171. I'm washing the sofa.

172. I have to milk my cow.

173. Everquest.

174. I don't want to miss Martha Stewart's premiere.

175. I have to teach my frog how to croak.

176. I'm too busy watching the paint dry.

177. The "Rocky" marathon is on that night.

178. I promised my mum I'd bathe the hamster.

179. I tripped over an ant and broke my leg.

180. I need to clip my nose hairs.

181. I have to read the labels on all of my food.

182. You are extremely unattractive. Sorry, someone had to tell you.

183. I'm gay.

184. I don't like you.

185. My goat broke a horn.

186. I have to go to the dentist.

187. I have to brush my dog's teeth.

188. I must go in search of my charms which were stolen by an angry leprechaun.

189. I'm going to the moon.

190. My water wings are flat.

191. I have to stay home and give my goldfish a bath.

192. I'm going to be playing with my mental blocks.

193. I have to wax the driveway.

194. I'm not into dating right now.

195. I'm teaching my goldfish how to play the electric guitar.

196. I'm teaching my dog to meow.

197. I have to watch Oprah.

198. I like you, but my friends said I can't go out with you.

199. I like your best friend.

200. I'm complicated to go out with.

201. I just found out we're related.

202. On my list of things to do, seeing you is at the bottom.

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Any ideas on how the next Indiana Jones will be like?

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head ****** to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

15 Pesky Ways to Annoy Your Roomate

Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation

Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."

Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.

Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

Cut the faces out of all your pictures.

Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.

Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.

Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"

Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."

Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.

Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.

Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.

Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

Fun at the Drive-Through

• Specify that this order is "To Go".

• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.

• When ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.

• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.

• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.

• Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything.

• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets – That’s all.

• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.

• When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message".

• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

• Drive through with a car load of naked people.

• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

21 Ways to Amuse Yourself While Driving

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Stop at the green lights.

7. Go at the red ones.

8. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

9. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

10. Sing without having the radio on.

11. Honk frequently without motivation.

12. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

13. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

14. Restart your car at every stop light.

15. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

16. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

17. Keep at least five cats in the car.

18. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

19. Stop and collect road kill.

20. Stop and pray to road kill.

21. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop.

Then get out and watch the cars.

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

7) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

8) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

9) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

10) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

11) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

12) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

13) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Funny Instruction Labels

These are actual instruction labels on

consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)

Do not turn upside down.

(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.

(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

Do not iron clothes on body.

(But wouldn't that save more time?)

(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:

Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:

Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:

Warning: keep out of children.

(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:

Not to be used for the other use.

(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

Warning: contains nuts.

(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

(Raise your hand if you've tried this..)

On a child's Superman costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief

Yo mama so ugly, she makes onions cry.

25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the

line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell

you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,

nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the

beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory

loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to

talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie

down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part

by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done .....)

Did you here about the Blonde who tried to hijack a submarine?

He demanded $100,000 and a parachute.

What did the Blonde call his pet zebra?

Spot.

Did you hear about the Blonde whose wife had triplets?

He went looking out for the other two guys.

Two Blondes were ice fishing in Alaska. They sat for hours and did not get a bite. One of the Blondes walked to where the Eskimos were pulling the fish out. When the Blonde returned the other guy asked what they were doing wrong. The other one said,"Well, for one thing, they cut a hole in the ice."

Why do Blonde dogs have flat noses?

For chasing parked cars.

Why don't Blondes like M&M's?

They are too hard to peel.

Three guys were stranded on an island. They found a bottle and a genie came out of it. They were allowed to have one wish each. The first man said he wanted a plane to fly to Hawaii, the second man said he wanted a boat to go to England, and the third man said he wanted a car.

20 Ways To Annoy A Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'

2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'

5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh ****! My glass eye!'

6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'

9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'

11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'

13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.

Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.

16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.

50 Fun Things To Do During An Exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..)

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."

50 Things to Do in a Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King..

9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France..'

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.

36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!'

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'.

42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.'

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

A Blonde, a tagger, and a Chinese jump off a roof of a building. Who lands first?

Answer #1: The Chinese, because the tagger stopped to graffiti on the walls, and the Blonde went to ask for directions.

Answer #2: Who cares?

9 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.

2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.

3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."

4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"

5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.

6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."

7) Beep when a large person backs up.

8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."

9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"