Spike

I've looked it up and can't find in information on why this may have happened. Apparently self healing phone screens are in development but not released yet, and my cheap *** phone wouldn't have that feature. And I'm not talking one or two cracks. I mean a shattered screen. I could feel each and every crack as I scrolled through my phone. Then one day I noticed it was gone. Weird part is I can't remember the exact moment it disappeared, just the moment I noticed it. Almost like i wasn't supposed to notice it. All i can remember is that all my apps, contacts and everything in my phone is exactly the same as when i had the shattered screen. Its the exact same phone in every way and i find it hard to believe I wouldn't remember getting a new one. It's blowing my mind.  

I don't think I'm a victim. But I feel my place here is gone. People can just openly bash white men, and I just have to be like "haha sorry for existing, I'll check my privilege." I just wanna say f*ck you every time I hear this sh*t. And I don't like hate, I don't like what this place is doing to me. All these minorities have culture and community, an identity to be proud of and praise. And all I have is emptiness. I want that as well, and I'm just starting to realize... I'm not gonna find it here. Can't wait to watch this county fall to ruin.

Just wondering... 

Google keeps acting like it doesn't want me to see it and I feel rebellious.

Why does there even have to be political parties? And why make them such polar opposites? It gets rid of critical thinking when it's just a "my side vs your side" sort of thing. I think they purposely did that to take power away from the people. Alot of United people probably scare the sh*t out those with power. Best to keep us at each other's throats before we start looking at the people who cause our problems. Before we start asking questions. Before we wake up. That's how I see it. And as an outsider looking in, I can assure you it seems like their plan is working like a charm from where I'm standing.

I can't deny a pattern when I see one. It's a mental block that can't allow them to move forward. Which causes a lack of motivation, feeling behind, lack of confidence and self respect.. which ultimately leads to self loathing. I feel like people always need to be improving at something to keep their sanity. In video games you level up. In movies or shows, the character has development. We like entertainment like that for a reason.. it's ingrained in our DNA.

So I'm basically implying that depression is not necessarily an indicator of a hard life. Of course it's hard in it's own right, but you know what I mean. I think it's a life robbed of challenges, plus a bully or two to break them down. Life experience is the most important experience, facts and research of any kind were nothing more than a life experience before it was official. And I have lived the part of a depressed person, so don't blow me off just yet for not having a psychology degree. I'm not taking out of my asss here.

I see a pattern of socially awkward, and low confidence people like me not having the hardest life, but an uneventful one. Since my life has gotten more challenging, I see myself growing as a person. It's never been harder, yet I'm happy now.. or at least content. Is the cure for depression a “push baby bird out nest” thing? Humans thrive on challenge. Without it… what are we here for? I can only speak for myself, but I am at my most down when I just don't know what to do with myself...

https://youtu.be/Kg1-NJ-lJnU

I mean I kind of developed my own view on it. But at the end of the day I'm white so I don't really understand it. I'm not supposed to say it and I have no desire too. I don't like rap and I talk pretty white so I would have no reason to say it for any slang or rapping or anything like that. And I damn sure would never use it as an insult. So yeah I've never had a reason for this word in my vocabulary so I don't really care if I'm not allow to say it. And from what I've seen some black people like to say it, and then some black people don't like it or say it. And one thing is for sure, a white person can never say it haha. That's my view, that's an observation or whatever.

But how does it feel? Like what's does it mean to you? It's just a word to me, a vile one yes, but we have alot of vile words without that much power. What is the source of the power for the N-word? And will black people ever let go of this word?

My eye isn't viscous or slimy. But it's extremely painful. Wind is horrible, bright light is horrible. Not to brag but I'm a f*ckin beast. I push myself to extremes all the time, and have a high pain tolerance. So I just find it hard to believe a kid can deal with this kind of pain.

Yes my eye is extremely red. And yes the guy I work with also has a really red eye. All signs point to pink eye. But is it really supposed to be this severe? I had to wrap my eye. Wind and light are too much right now. I thought it was because I wasn't wearing safety glasses and it just feels like I have something in my eye, even now. But I rinsed my eye out multiple times and it's not helping. Either my eye is impaled with a splinter or I have pink eye. I need to know because if I have pink I then I shouldn't work, I don't want to spread it. But if pink eye is not excruciatingly painful, then I guess I have a splinter in my eye. If it's just that I do want to work tomorrow cause as I said, I can handle pain. So yeah, always wear your safety glasses. The macho man act isn't doing me any favors. Never again will I make that mistake.

I have three weak points on my body. My nose, my jaw, and my stomach. My right fist is in front of my nose, my left fist is in front of my jaw, and I keep my chin low so I'm looking through my eyebrows. I have a slight bend in my knees to hunch my stomach back, and I bob and weave my head back and forth to be ready for a dodge and counter. The only part of my skull that is exposed is hard enough to break your hand. Hell we headbutt for a reason right?

In my mind this is the perfect stance. But for some reason when I show this stance, my friends think I can't fight. Now we are full grown adults, we don't dare find out. It could get ugly fast. And tbh, I don't have much fighting experience. So I'm just hoping to get perspective from fighters. Is my stance actually bad? Or are they playing mind games? Because I kind of let them mess with me a little bit because they are my buddies.

Sometimes I wanna kick someone's asss just to prove I could, other times I'm not sure if I can. I've always had the perfect demeanor in life to avoid all conflict. Never the victim, and never the instigator. Something about me makes people not want to test me, but I sure as sh*t don't test anyone either. So I just avoided so much fighting by simply not having to. It's a strange feeling to not know where I stand.

Every time a Muslim does anything violent it's terrorist this, terrorist that. Followed by some statement about taking the fight to them.

But now, no. Trump just call it a massacre, not a terrorist attack. I mean he expressed his half asss sympathy but that's about it. He didn't say anything negative about the shooter specifically and didn't talk about how we should be fighting back against white supremacist terrorism.

I mean honestly he probably didn't even write that tweet himself. I can tell when Trump writes them, his tone is very specific. But yeah, how much more proof do you need that Trump is a hypothetical racist piece of sh*t?

Brenton Tarrant is a TERRORIST! But he's also white and a suspected Christian... So I guess that makes Trump real selective with the word.

Jesus said himself "what shall it profit a man, if he gain the world, and suffer the loss of his own soul"... And an organization so obsessed with profit, strutting around in expensive buildings, and grand gestures that represent wealth... I just don't see it. Jesus washed the feet of the needy, that's never been what he's about... And I think it draws people away from him. My whole life I was anti religion. I thought myself an atheist of sorts. But then I found Jesus in my heart, when I needed him most. It filled me with an overwhelming feeling of love and warmth. It was at my most humble, and my most destitute... And I think he respects hard work and pain. Living an easy live is sloth, and gathering wealth like a snake is selfishness. Both mortal sins. I think life is about love, kindness and understanding of all fellow humans. Yet organised religion creates hate, and scams. When will humans learn they can't speak for God? When? I find it strange that I don't like the Vatican, yet follow Jesus. This feeling in my heart, it's stronger than your influence. And I know you are doing it wrong. We must sweat, bleed and ache for this world. We must be humble, and we must love thy neighbor. And organized religion doesn't seem to even understand what it's all about.

Canada is going to stop letting Americans in if it becomes an issue. I mean they have a beautiful, stable country up there. And I personally find it sad that this whole debacle about keeping Mexicans from jumping the border, may very well lead to American's doing the same god damn thing. Our economy is not indestructible. It's hard enough that we have billionaire families hoarding so much of America's currency. The American dollar is not infinite, if some people have too many, they leaves less for others. Now billionaires want to spend other people's money aka tax dollars on a wall to stretch the American/Mexico border... It's too much man.. I don't have alot of money, most of us don't. If Trump wants the wall he can pay for it his damn self.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LZxUKNTV3Xo

If that does not even bring a little bit of warmth to your cold dead heart, then you are truly a sad pathetic individual. We are the same blood, we are the same species. We can have families together and we can donate our blood and organs to each other. As as much as I respect culture ands ones identity with their culture associated with their ethnicity, at the end of the day the only differences between us are the ones that we create ourselves. I for one am sick racist people talking about pedigree with some twisted sense of pride. Maybe you'll be born as a Labrador in your next life so you can really feel like you've made it. Because short of incestuous families, there is no such thing as a "purebred" human being.

I don't even know how it's possible. I didn't even try to do this. I usually just got drunk off half a bottle, so I didn't see a big deal drinking daily. But somewhere along the line I developed a massive tolerance. I tried to switch to beer for a night to see if it would slow me down, but then I just ended up drinking 20 of them and felt horribly bloated and had horrible diarrhea. So as weird as it sounds, vodka is the "heathier" option. But I just don't get it, a human body is not supposed to be able to drink this much. I thought it was just a Hollywood thing you only saw in the movies. Well I don't feel as cool as the hard-boiled detective in his noire setting drinking a fifth of whiskey and then springing into action fighting bad guys. I feel like a sorry *** alcoholic, and it's making my performance at work absolutely dog sh*t. Idk, I guess I should be talking to AA instead of coming here. Don't even know why I posted this, just hoping I might run into someone who has dealt with this. I feel like I'm dying, and I don't think I can stop. Stupid asss legal system messed me up man, I got put on probation so I quit smoking weed. I hardly ever drank when I was on pot. It's so funny how we demonize marijuana, I know first hand what the real devils are.