Bill

I can't believe I'm admitting this, I think I may be going crazy, but lately I've been wishing/ hoping that my partner would die. Yes, I'm gay, if it's not your thing, don't need your closed minded judgment right now, serious answers PLEASE! Sorry this is so long, I'm pissed, too.

Background: We're coming up on our 7th anniversary and he just seems to keep getting worse... at everything. He won't do ANYTHING around the house- he only has 2 responsibilities now, cut the grass (he fired the landscapers because he said that cutting the grass was "his time" to think and be alone and get some exercise) and take out the trash/ recycling once a week. He hasn't done either in over 3 weeks and to get him to do it before, I had to constantly nag him. I have to do EVERYTHING else- take care of the cars, dogs, housework, laundry, cooking, home repairs (alone), cleaning the pool and I work from home 30-45 hours a week. He will only shower twice a week, I hid his toothbrush in February and he still hasn't asked about it (eww). It's like living with a teenager, not a 45 year old. His "excuse" is that he works 70 (or 80, depending on the hyperbole) hours a week. I worked with him for 5 years and to him, being out of the house means that he's "working"- whether he is there or not or being productive. He was told that he has to take off 2 days a week by his company, but he still goes in 6 days a week, even though he's not getting paid extra and makes it sound like he's behind even though I know from experience that he's either just driving around, socializing or on an extended break for a majority of the time. On his one day off (Sunday) he sleeps until noon, plays online games for 2 hours then has SOME errand that he just HAS to take care of that he's gone for the rest of the day- when he was cutting the grass he would make sure that he would get home an hour before dark and make a big production out of having to cut the grass, get the front done and stop because it's too dark. On work nights he shows up whenever the hell he feels like it from 9 until midnight and expects to be fed, eats, watches CNN, plays with the dogs and falls asleep within an hour of getting home. In the 2 hours that he's home and awake he manages to create 3 hours of work for me between leaving clothes, coke cans, dog toys and anything that he has touched laying around. He's 12 years older than me and looks even older. He's gained a lot of weight and is unattractive. "Relations" are nonexistent. By the time that I clean up his messes and get drunk enough to do him (yeah, it's that bad), he's asleep and no longer interested. We don't go out anymore together and when I thought about it last weekend, everytime for the past 5 years we did, I planned, arranged and paid for it. I know that he's been unfaithful at least once and I think that he may be fooling around again but this time I don't feel "hurt", I feel sorry for the other person (because he's "lazy" in bed, too). I honestly don't think there's "love" anymore, just codependency. I've tried everything that I can think of to get him to care- went on strike- stopped cooking, cleaning up his messes, doing his laundry- he ate cereal and left the milk in the bowls to sour (that the dogs couldn't get too), dishes and cans everywhere until they drew ants, made paths through the stuff he left on the floor, eventually washed his clothes when he was out (all at once) and put a red shirt in and got red stains on everything, then went out and bought all new clothes because he ruined his old clothes and didn't pay his part of the bills that month! I tried not showering- went a week and was making myself ill, no response from him. Stopped doing dishes and he filled up the kitchen sink and counters, then the laundry sink- ran out of dishes and he washed 1 bowl to eat cereal out of and said "Do you plan on doing dishes anytime soon?" The grass is so tall the dogs won't go to the bathroom outside, so I have to keep cleaning up messes inside. He just doesn't seem to care and uses the house as a place to flop and expects me to do everything. When I say anything he ALWAYS says "I work 80 hours a week" and I just want to punch him in the head, because that excuse is so BS and I don't know how to put into words how much of a lie it is and he works in an office, not like he's a coal miner or something.

***So the QUESTION is: Has anyone else genuinely wished that their spouse would die, like in a car accident or something? I find myself daydreaming of different ways that he could die, or just not come home one night or wishing that he would just burst into flames. Is this psychotic?

And no, I can't "just leave"- we are over 40k upside down in the house that we co-own and I consider it "my home". I looked into counseling when he was caught cheating before (was playing "sugar daddy" with MY money!, series of lies, trick beat the Hell out of his car when he found out he had no money, and DH was stupid enough to put h

If you live in a split foyer (split entry) and have a ceiling fan in the foyer, does it help distribute the temperatures more evenly between the two levels?

It's 10 degrees cooler in the lower level so it feels sweltering upstairs and frigid downstairs. Anyone have luck equalizing the temperature difference (outside of dual zone HVAC)? Thanks!