I came, saw, i clicked...0_0

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

the internet? What should we been doing now?

How was it?

I met my girlfriend on the 2nd of May 2012. I experienced love at first sight and fortunately we expressed our love after 3 days! We were happy since 5 months. Today we are apart. I miss her still and I'm ready to do anything for her to return. But I know she won't.

Well, I'm a 24 years old guy. I'm independent and I live by myself. Well, I'm sexually active. I had a girlfriend since 4 years and we were both sexually active. Recently, we broke off due to family rifts and I moved away. One month ago, I met someone. She was a beautiful girl and we talked, chatted, called each other and eventually we ended up in bed. The moment I was going to penetrate her, i went soft. This was a big problem for me because it never happened before. Hesitantly, I told her, lets do it next time. I noticed that I'm not sexually aroused as before. I tried watching porn but still my big john refuses to wake up.

Any serious advice or help please?

Sometimes my google chrome page budges from its place and it is like half of the page is on my screen and the other half is out of the screen. How can I fix it please?

Thank you.

Who else wanted the same actors in American Pie 1, 2 and 3 to be in American 3, 4, 5 and 6?

Am rather pissed off that the actors have been changed.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Little Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, ma'am!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, ma'am, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. When the neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say '****' the dog ate him!"

If yes, how would you like Wrong Turn 5 to be? Well, if ever there was a sequel?

NURSE kept JOHNY’S FINGER in HER MOUTH

after BLOOD TEST.

THEN JOHNY STARTED DANCING .

NURSE:y r u DANCING.

JOHNY:next is URINE TEST

A Chinese family of 5,

Named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States of America.

In order to get a visa,

... they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck.

Bu became Buck.

Hu became Huck.

.

.

.

Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

Since one week, I am suffering from a headache which last 30 minutes and the head ache only on the left side. This can happen thrice or four times a day and last for 30-40 minutes. What surprises me, is why thrice a day, why only on the left side and why four-five times a day? What does this mean?

Serious answer please.

Thank you.

I show him who is braver whenever I smoke in front of him and puff the smoke..!

Quel est le titre du chanson dans Double Zero. La chanson c'est a la fin du film.

Madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Thiruvananthapuram. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Kerala. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am a jolly gay . Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours Kutty

Regards :

The Next BIG Thing ! € ¦®

A dating couple was driving down the road in a very busy area, when

things started to get somewhat passionate. So, they decided to

pullover and park and have some fun. Things were getting really hot,

and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a suuden, a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop

could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not

supposed to be having sex on a public highway?" he asked the couple.

Being embrassed by being caught, they agreed and apologized. "Well,''

he said, ''I will have to write you a ticket.'' S the cop wrote the ticket

and reminded them to watch their behaviour the next time. After getting

dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote

the ticket for. He responded, ''Doing 69 in a 35MPH zone!''

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anonymous

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer . 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.

And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My , that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted !!!.

One stupid person to second stupid person (Hiding a cigarette in his hand): Tell me what is in my hand?

Second stupid person: Train!!

First stupid person: How do you know?

Second stupid person: Because smoke is coming out of your hands

Master to his servant: Go in the garden and water the plants

Servant:Master, it is raining outside.

Master: You lazy person. Take the umbrella and water the plants

One person to other: I am very sorry that your father had died but tell me how he died?

Second person: Because of oldness

First person: Hmmm.. Its a very dangerous disease. Recently, alot of children died due to this disease.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire . We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."