My 10 yo son doesn't understand why I left his father. How can I help him understand grown up stuff?
I was married to his father for 10 years and I left the marriage because of general disrespect, loss of love, I just felt trapped and going no where. He has a huge family, all lived around us, I have a very small family, only two sisters. I tried to be interested in things he liked so we could spend time together, but he just ended up taking advantage of that situation, like all the other situations. He is not a bad man, never beat me, not physically anyway. I guess our (my) biggest mistake was keeping all the bad stuff from my son, only letting him see the good stuff. Now he thinks I just up and left his dad for no reason. He also thinks I can just go back and everything will be the same as before I left. He says he just wants his old life back and it's breaking my heart into a million pieces to know I caused my son such pain. How can I help him understand?
Puma Man2007-07-25T14:32:24Z
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Maybe you cannot make him understand. If he wasn't a "bad man" and you were cognizant when you married him, is it possible that it is wrong to break your vows and upset your son when it is purely for your convenience?
I know that sounds harsh and I do not know you, so I am asking this as a hypothetical question. Is there honor in keeping your vows to a man who causes you no harm and is a present father for your son? I think there is honor in denying your own instant gratification for the betterment of the child (I assume) you chose to bring into the world.
Further, And you probably do not want to hear more from me. But I am a believer that you make your own reality. You can choose to look at the behaviors that make you upset, or you can choose to look at the positive aspects. Think of the people who are in arranged marriages.... they choose to create a family unit and make it work to the advantage of all in the family. I know we are allowed more freedoms today to choose our own partners (thankfully), but sometimes too much freedom can be confusing to some people.
Certainly, I do not mean to say you are confused. But the facts that you reported are self -centered reasons for breaking up a family and you may possibly have to accept that your son will never come to understand them.
After saying that...I want to wish you the best possible outcome which I believe would be a peaceful and well rounded upbringing of your son. Best wishes for all the decisions you make in the future.
I was 10 when my parents separated. And ever since have resented my mother for it. My father was no piece of cake. But the s... she hooked up with was worse. And if you later were to hook up. With someone who the child sees as a worse person than his father. All that he misses from how it used to be. Will just make his resentment worse. The only way to make him understand is with actions. Being a good parent. If he is used to being around family. Don't take that away from him. Though you are no longer with the father. Doesn't mean his cousins and such stop being his family. Let the father share custody and let him take the child to family gatherings. Things like that will show your son you don't mean to change his whole world around. He will feel more comfortable with the separation. He'll come to understand that though his father no longer lives with him. He will always be his father. To try to take that away. Would be a sort of child abuse.
You do not explain the workings of your marriage with your child.... frankly, it is none of his business, nor anything he ought to have shared with him or be concerned about... It is your problem, not his, and ought never to be!!!!!
All kids want to know is that they did not cause it. All kids think that when their parents break up, it is their fault.... that they should have taken the garbage out when asked, that their room should have been cleaner, that they would have stayed together if they had kept their grades higher.... the list is endless. All you need to tell your son is that "Mommy and daddy will always love you. You did nothing wrong. We both love you and we still love each other, but we can no longer be together in a marriage...." end of story.
He can't understand it yet because he does not have the maturity and experience enough to understand what a relationship between two people. In time and with alot of growing up he will. What you can do is show him that living without the both of you together can also be great. Don't give him time to re-minis about old time, teach him now and what is to be done now and to live now.It is not going to be a smooth ride but it need to be done. Show him that you can raise above all the blame and show him without telling bad things about his dad....one day he will respect you more for it.
You need to explain to your son that his dad and you decided it would be best to just be friends. That you still love him and always will and that it is a different kind of love. Not a husband/wife kind of love but more like best friends. For those reasons you have decided to live separate lives. Tell him nothing will change between the relationship he has with the both of you. That he will still see the both of you only it will be in separate homes. Also get him into his new routine as soon as possible. Get him a trinket of some sort for his room or have him invite an old friend over for a over nighter once your all settled. Also you can refer to the Internet for ideas. Good Luck