My 10 yo son doesn't understand why I left his father. How can I help him understand grown up stuff?

Maybe you cannot make him understand. If he wasn't a "bad man" and you were cognizant when you married him, is it possible that it is wrong to break your vows and upset your son when it is purely for your convenience?

I know that sounds harsh and I do not know you, so I am asking this as a hypothetical question. Is there honor in keeping your vows to a man who causes you no harm and is a present father for your son? I think there is honor in denying your own instant gratification for the betterment of the child (I assume) you chose to bring into the world.

Further, And you probably do not want to hear more from me. But I am a believer that you make your own reality. You can choose to look at the behaviors that make you upset, or you can choose to look at the positive aspects. Think of the people who are in arranged marriages.... they choose to create a family unit and make it work to the advantage of all in the family. I know we are allowed more freedoms today to choose our own partners (thankfully), but sometimes too much freedom can be confusing to some people.

Certainly, I do not mean to say you are confused. But the facts that you reported are self -centered reasons for breaking up a family and you may possibly have to accept that your son will never come to understand them.

After saying that...I want to wish you the best possible outcome which I believe would be a peaceful and well rounded upbringing of your son. Best wishes for all the decisions you make in the future.

I was 10 when my parents separated. And ever since have resented my mother for it. My father was no piece of cake. But the s... she hooked up with was worse. And if you later were to hook up. With someone who the child sees as a worse person than his father. All that he misses from how it used to be. Will just make his resentment worse. The only way to make him understand is with actions. Being a good parent. If he is used to being around family. Don't take that away from him. Though you are no longer with the father. Doesn't mean his cousins and such stop being his family. Let the father share custody and let him take the child to family gatherings. Things like that will show your son you don't mean to change his whole world around. He will feel more comfortable with the separation. He'll come to understand that though his father no longer lives with him. He will always be his father. To try to take that away. Would be a sort of child abuse.

You do not explain the workings of your marriage with your child.... frankly, it is none of his business, nor anything he ought to have shared with him or be concerned about... It is your problem, not his, and ought never to be!!!!!

All kids want to know is that they did not cause it. All kids think that when their parents break up, it is their fault.... that they should have taken the garbage out when asked, that their room should have been cleaner, that they would have stayed together if they had kept their grades higher.... the list is endless. All you need to tell your son is that "Mommy and daddy will always love you. You did nothing wrong. We both love you and we still love each other, but we can no longer be together in a marriage...." end of story.

He can't understand it yet because he does not have the maturity and experience enough to understand what a relationship between two people. In time and with alot of growing up he will. What you can do is show him that living without the both of you together can also be great. Don't give him time to re-minis about old time, teach him now and what is to be done now and to live now.It is not going to be a smooth ride but it need to be done. Show him that you can raise above all the blame and show him without telling bad things about his dad....one day he will respect you more for it.

You need to explain to your son that his dad and you decided it would be best to just be friends. That you still love him and always will and that it is a different kind of love. Not a husband/wife kind of love but more like best friends. For those reasons you have decided to live separate lives. Tell him nothing will change between the relationship he has with the both of you. That he will still see the both of you only it will be in separate homes. Also get him into his new routine as soon as possible. Get him a trinket of some sort for his room or have him invite an old friend over for a over nighter once your all settled. Also you can refer to the Internet for ideas. Good Luck

I have 3 children and was in the same situation as you. My 2 oldest (who were 13 & 11 at the time) were very upset at me. I just explained it was something I had to do. At some point, your son will see your reasons, but for now, just tell him you love him. The rest is "grown up" stuff and he couldn't possibly understand it anyway. Best wishes to you. Stay strong!

Tell him that you can love a lot of people you can't live with. Tell him you loved his daddy, and you are sorry it dodn't work out.Tell him you are sorry for causing him pain. Tell him you love him and take him places and DO stuff with him.

Don't give him a bunch of details. Tell him funs tories about his daddy. Encourage him to love and call and draw pictures or do crafts to give his dad-like models or origami or like that.

Let him talk to you without you having to have an answer for everything. Just let him talk.

Use things in HIS life to help him understand, like when he gets mad at one of his friends. Otherwise, tell him, it is difficult to explain, and you will try a bit at a time.

Tell him it is grown-up stuff. Tell him that it often happens in life-things you don't want. and and don't understand. Tell him it is no one's fault. It's like an empty speed boat-coming at you. You can either use it for your self or let it run you down.

Tell what he can learn from this is to be really careful who he gives his heart to. To listen. To forgive. To be compassionate for others' pain.

All good lessons.

Divorce is not something I would wish on any child, but both my sons went through it. They are stronger for it. REALLY.

One was terrified to get married and has a strong, loving marriage to a great girl. One is 22 and probably will never marry. He loves girls, but he has a hard time putting up with drama.

Quit feeling so guilty and enjoy your son's youth. Involve yourself with him. Go to ballgames or take tae kwon do with him. Sing karaoke. Swim.

TEACH him what a happy family looks like--you 2. Teach him how to have a happy life whether he gets married or not.

Don't give him a step-dad--until he is out of high school. That is torture, most of the time.

Enjoy the present you gave yourself! You wanted it, now enjoy your freedom. Don't waste your life feeling guilty.

Email me if you'd like. Good luck.

just tell him that you don't love his dad anymore and that to be married 2 people should be in love.

I told my daughter that her dad and I finally agreed on something.... that we disagreed on everything and didn't want to live together anymore.

He's 10. He doesn't need to know the bad stuff. He has a right to love his dad.

Someone has to be the adult in the divorce and by involving your son in the bad stuff... you force him to be...

One thing that my ex and I agreed on was that neither of us would talk bad about the other around the kids... we kept our arguments and bad comments to ourselves. that way the child doesn't have to take sides or feel like they are caught in the middle.

Try telling your son that you had to leave his father for reasons he can't possibly understand at his age. Reassure him that his father is a great dad and loves him very much. He needs time to adjust to the fact that mom and dad aren't together anymore. He will eventually adapt.

You can't! All he knows is that the life he once knew is gone and he is feeling lost and insecure...This is where mom and dad need to put all their "grown up stuff" aside and come together and give your son lots of love and reassurance that while things will not be the way they once were that if you all work together you can make it better than it ever was...Reassurance and love love love!!!