My 19 year old son moved back in. He had an apartment w/ his girlfriend, but their rent got raised & so they?
decided to move out to save up money for a new place. For some reason, my son is here & she is at her moms house? The agreement was that they would chip in on food, but save the rest of their money for down payments & deposits. Problem is since they decided to live at separate places while saving money I doubt they will buy food for both places. My son is looking for work at the moment btw & his girlfriend doesn't make much money & goes to college. I really want to help my son out, but problem is he eats a lot & I really can't afford it. (I have 2 younger kids at home) Also I have a very small apartment & my son is a night owl & it is affecting the younger ones to stay up later. They see or hear their older brother up & don't want to settle down for bed. It has only been a few days so far, but it seems very hectic and cramped already. Also, how should I feel when him & his girlfriend go out? I want to help w/o nagging about everything.
2008-02-02T13:55:48Z
katrina, i never talked about kicking him out nor have i even though about it. i am here to help him, but i have to have some rules w/o seeming too nagging. i enjoy having him around...he's my son!!!
Gerry2008-02-02T19:18:50Z
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BigM, a little "tough love" will go a long way in this case. You are kind enough to give him a place to stay - but, you HAVE to set the guidelines and do this in such a manner that he wants to save and then move out again. I would merely suggest you tell him (based on your situation and ability to discuss with him) that at "such and such" a time during the school week we need it quiet at "this time". This means you can't use the computer, have loud volume on the television, playing games, or having your girlfriend over. I suggest this be extra study time for you if you are home at this hour and not working. Something along this line to begin with, then move to different things dependent upon your situation. As his Mother you have every right to expect he keep his word - this means follow through from you on balances saved - and this means a monthly discussion and review of those balances on paper.
If you don't head in the direction mentioned above then you will likely be forced to assist him longer than what is appropriate. You are not made out of money and he should recognize this and appreciate the temporary assistance you are giving him.
You have every right to nag. This is your life & your apartment. Don't let him walk all over you. You & he needs to sit down & make a plan about how much he's going to give you each month & how much he's going to put into a savings account for his new place. He's got to have some structure to this or he'll end up blowing every paycheck without saving anything. It doesn't take an astronomical amount of money to save up for a down payment on rent, so it really shouldn't take him but a few months if he's responsible about his money. You also need to set some ground rules about how late he stays up & how much of your food he eats. He's old enough to take care of himself & buy his own food, so your two little ones should come first. Don't bend. You aren't being a bad mom by insisting on some rules & guidelines.
You may even want to set a date that he should have moved out by. I hate to say this, but you may want to make sure that he's not taking advantage of the fact that you are his mom. My older & younger sis both did something like this to my mother & I. They moved in "until they could get back on their feet", but then proceeded to take advantage of the fact that they were family. They would eat a lot & not pay anything towards the rent or utilities. Eventually we started putting our feet down & they surprisingly found people to move in with incredibly quickly.
Bravo for you wanting to help him out. If that's what you want to do then that's what should happen. Thing is, he needs to know that you expect him to adhere to certain guidelines. If the rest of the family is in bed by 11:00 PM, then he can't be expected to stay up until 3:00 AM. He needs to be courteous and respect the rules of the house. He also needs to get a job and chip in on the food around your place. Simple as that. Tell him if he can't do these simple little things then he can go live with his girlfriend at her parents' house.
Dear, I have had a similar problem with my son (25). Up until recently he has not worked and guess you paid the bills? My wife and I. We did set up rules about living with us and things that he had to do to help out. Without any rules you are really not doing him any good or making life good for the younger ones. To respect you and the younger kids, Maybe a curfew so everyone could get to sleep or at least being quiet. Explain to him that he is getting so much but you also need to have limits set for the rest of the family. It will work out.
Your son is 19 and supposedly considered an adult. he now lives with you so that says he LIVES by YOUR rules and helps you with the smaller kids or he finds another place to live. He needs to help get the smaller ones down for bed then once he is certain they are asleep he can start moving about again without disturbing them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him moving home but you need to make him understand just because he has chosen to come home he will need to pitch in and help with not only the groceries but with the utilities. Whatever amount the groceries are now costing you since he has moved back is what he needs to give you extra to cover his food.