I just started answering in the Adoptions section of Y!A for the first time today... I must say, I wish I had started earlier! There are so many different situations and so many excellent questions!
My particular question is to Birth Mothers who have given up their children for adoption. I'd like to get answers mainly from moms who have WILLFULLY given up their child as opposed to ones who were tricked or pressured into it, not because I think badly of them but because the former is closer to my situation than the latter.
I'm and adoptee. I was a baby when I was adopted and have, so far, had a great life with my adoptive family. But it doesn't stop me from wondering. I've wanted to meet my birth mother since around adolescence even though I've known that I was adopted since longer than I can remember. I'm just nervous about it because I haven't exactly been productive in my 24 years.
I'm just going back to school now. My life completely revolves around music. (I play 5
2008-05-06T16:15:24Z
instruments and just got accepted into a music occupations associate program at a college in Milwaukee). I do have tattoos and a nose piercing and I am overweight.
There are all these things that I find undesirable about myself, but I honestly believe that my parents did the best by me... I don't think anybody could've a better job! I don't want her to ever doubt that she made the right decision... I guess I'm afraid that if I do contact her and she wants to meet me that she'll be disappointed or regret giving me up for adoption.
How would you feel if you were her? Should I just wait until I have my life sorted out or should I just ... well, give it a go and see what happens? Any advice that *isn't rude* would be greatly appreciated, no matter *who* you are or what side of the adoption you're on.
2008-05-06T16:36:47Z
::side note:: I'm giving a thumbs up to EVERY one that answers politely, whether or not I agree with them, just because this IS such an emotional issue. I know it's only 1 point, but it's something. I'll be choosing a best answer as well.
Anonymous2008-05-06T16:32:38Z
Favorite Answer
Hiya Zuko, Great question - you've voiced many of the concerns that so many adoptees feel. (these fears had me running in circles for years!!) I also waited and waited to search and reach out - because I thought I wasn't good enough. I guess it comes down to an adoptees fear that if they weren't good enough to keep in the first place - then perhaps they'll never be good enough!? Or even the pressure that if you were given up for a better life - you'd better have turned out 'well' to show it was a 'success'. Either way - it's a whole heap of head mess for we adoptees. Anytime you need some support from other adoptees - from all different places - and all different stories - head on over to the adoptee forum - http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php No matter what - I'm hoping your first mother will be proud of you - whatever your achievements. You're an adoptee - you've lived it - you've had to live with the head-mess of being given away by your mother (whether it was willingly or by pressure) and having to assimilate into a family of complete strangers- you're compassionate - you're a survivor - that's something to be very very proud of!!! Take care of you.
ETA: the above poster hit on a very real issue - mostly our mothers are scared that we won't accept them. It's like a catch-22.......one is waiting for the other to search......and hoping that they'll be accepted for who they are.
Well, Im not a birth mom, but I am an adoptee who was already reunited with my birth mom.
I am 27 years old, I found her last year. Im a little overweight and I was concerned about that, but you know what, my birthmom was overweight too!
Also, I had 2 children with 2 different dads, hadnt finished high school and was worried what she would think about that.
Well, turned out she had a couple kids all with different dads as well. And she was a high school drop out as well although she did end up going to college.
It was really strange how similar we were even though I grew up away from her. But you cant change genetics, and baby and mother will alway have a bond even if they are not conciously aware that its there.
Just as your parents now love you, she will most likely love you as well. You sound like you are a really creative person, so I can almost bet that your birthmom is a creative person as well. So I doubt she will mind. She'll probablly love it!
There was a reason she gave you up and thats because at the time there was something going on in her life where she couldnt care for you. Nobody is perfect in life, not even your birthmother. She will just be happy to know that you are alive and safe.
I don't think people live in vacuums, and this includes birth mothers. Adoptees who search are hopefully doing their research into adoption issues as well, and the more you read and learn about the factors that lead women to relinquish their children, the more you realize that they are all under some sort of pressures. Even those characterized as irresponsible trash were not born that way. If the adoptee wanted to hold a grudge, then they wouldn't be in search, would they? Nope. They are looking to mend relations. They all enter into search with fear of being rejected again, though, so great sensitivity to that would be appreciated.
Hi Zuko I have a blog written about my circumstances (I've listed it in Sources below) and yes do go to Adult Adoptees Advocating for change because you will find many adoptees that will echo your thoughts and some really beautiful birth/first mums too.
I was also adopted as a baby and I was also willingly given up. In fact my mother was prepared to hand me over to a stranger in a bank if the church didnt take me. That info just came to light for me at 41 years of age, pretty hard to hear that.
I did try to reunite with my birth/first mother and it didnt go well, it started to go well, she even sent me cards for that Christmas and then my birthday and signed it Love and then her name. But it got too hard for her (after a year plus mind you) of me wanting to know my sister (older sister) she grew tired and upset at my insistence of her knowing. She did tell her well left her a box of items letters and photos that i had sent...but she didn't handle it well and the sister didn't want to know because of the way my mother handled it.
Anyway We reunited briefly and then she rejected me again. What you look like will have no bearing on it. IF she is prepared to get past her guilt and sadness and yes even willfully I believe that all Mothers would feel that when giving up a baby, then she will embrace you no matter what you look like..
But if she is so bitter and eaten up by guilt then you may have a hard time.. I wish you the best of luck, It can be a very painful journey and thats why reaching out to people like yourself , in the same shoes really does help
Why would she be disappointed? You are very talented! As for tats, piercings or whatever...that doesn't make a person bad. And FYI: Everyone has something about themselves they are not fond of...even the prettiest/skinniest women think they're ugly.
If she regrets placing you up for adoption, that is something she will have to deal with. A lot of us b-moms regret it, but it's not because we think the other parents were horrible...its because we love our children and it was a VERY hard choice to make.
I know you're scared to meet her...who wouldn't be? I'm scared to death to meet my son. But after 13 years, I'm finally ready! It took a long time to get rid of the guilt and pain I had. Well, I still have it but its not nearly as bad. You never know...she could've been waiting all this time to meet you.