I have two kids, 12 and 17. My boyfriend has a place of his own but stays with me every night, clothes are there, vehicle is there, etc. He doesn't have any kids but has a nephew, 9, who he treats like his kid. This kid is spoiled rotten being the only child of his parents, only grandchild of my boyfriend's parents, etc. My boyfriend insists on including him in everything we do and it bothers me. My b/f is very indifferent to my kids and treats the nephew like he hung the moon when they are together. My kids notice this treatment. I know that my b/f is going to insist on me putting up a Christmas stocking for the nephew along with his, mine, and my kids stockings. I feel like I'm gearing up emotionally for a huge fight. Should I just put up the stocking and avoid the fight? It will hurt my kids feelings if I do, and my b/f's feelings if I don't. Just a note...this kid gets, has, does everything...my kids aren't as fortunate because I'm divorced and barely make ends meet. Help!!
2008-12-01T12:02:52Z
A little more info...yes I am a mom and I have a b/f, for lack of a better term. Should I have said the man I'm dating, seeing, significant other, whatever? Also, one important detail, my kids don't live with me full time. My ex and I have joint custody and b/c of my job I live in the city and the schools are not good so my kids live with their father during school and visit me every other weekend and on all their school breaks. They with me full time in the summer. Also, this man is not someone new that they don't know very well. I have been with him for three years and this problem has just been getting worse and worse as time goes by. I wouldn't mind the kid being around if everyone was treated equally, but they're not and he is shown great favortism by my b/f. My b/f and I have discussed this before and even broken up over it once. I'm just afraid this isn't going to get any better and I'm tired of it looming over our relationship.
2008-12-01T12:36:39Z
I am new to this and I am not yet a level 2 so i can't rate answers...but I wanted to give a huge thumbs up to L Mendy for your answer. Thank you for that info. I do tell my kids they are the most important and I love them no matter who comes and goes in my life, they will forever be number one. I'm sorry your relationship wasn't better with your mom. I hope you can work things out with her in the future. Thank you again. You sound like a very intelligent young person who has it together to spite life's inconsistencies. Good Luck!
Anonymous2008-12-01T11:57:19Z
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Ahh, I was a child in this circumstance with my mother.
Let me warn you now- there will be fights.
The 17 year old, no matter what they claim to your face, is jealous of your boyfriend getting so much attention from you... and the bias he gives to his nephew...
The 17 year old is feelimg omposed on by having your boyfriend around at all times... I would advise you to not have him around so much- and if so, to not flaunt and flirt infront of your child- because, going through all the emotional drama of teenage years, they will feel that it is worse than it is...
Your 12 year old will generally have the same opinionas the 17 year old... but will like your boyfriend... The 12 year old will not mind him being around, although as they get older tensions with him are likely to become more dramatic.
Try to spend time with your kids, just you and them... show them how much you love them by doing all sorts of simple things- food shopping, homework, to trips to beach (obv not this time of the year), and trips just them and you...
My mother didn't... And, unfortunatly, she and I have not been on good terms since. I left the house at 16 (I'm most certainly not a bad child- I am off to uni next year, and I didn't swear etc, I just, in all my teenage glory, detested how much she seemed to perfere her boyfriend to me)...
If I could change things, and if I could tell her how to have dealt with this situation better I would have told her- (as I have always been mature about these things) To talk to me, about anything... from how she felt about the weather, to who she thought was the best political leader in Africa. To spend time with just me and her... as I was growing up I would have loved to have her spend more time, just in silence... reading, whatever... To take me to things that she and I could enjoy- ballet, cinema, shopping, etc... To have days, sometimes a whole week, where it would just be us as a family (Us kids and her)... And for her to tell me that no matter how much she appeared to love her boyfriend, that she would always love me, and the other children more.
Tell him that your children need some time of just you... and perhaps organise a weekend every few where its just you and your kids.
(Also- about the spoilt nephew- my mums boyfriend has extremely selfish spoilt children, and all us kids were jealous of them-Cos they were muuuuch richer than us... so make sure you give your children just as much, if not more attention than your boyfriend gives in monetry value to his nephew)
I think you are being both selfish and not selfish. I understand you not wanting to hurt your kids feelings, and I think that that is very important. However, just because this kid is fortunate doesn't mean that you should show him less favor then if he had no family. You need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you feel like he does not show your kids as much attention and love as he shows his nephew. Discuss with him how important this is to you and that you do not want your kids to feel second to anyone. If he can't respect this, then it is time for you to move on. He may just not realize that he is doing it. Make sure you are very careful how you approach this subject so you do not make him feel like you are attacking him or his nephew. Once you have addressed that issue, you need to start working on making the nephew a part of you and your kids life. He may be a nephew in your eyes, but it seems like he is more of a son in your boyfriend's eyes.
I can relate to most of what you are saying because I have 2 step kids who truly are spoiled rotten. My husband and i have 50% custody so the kids live with us for 2 weeks a month, then go to their mom's place for 2 weeks. Fortunately we live close so there are no issues with friends, school, etc. But, the kids have a maid at their mom's place, she lives with a surgeon in a mansion (it really is) on the water. There they have no responsibilities as far as dishes, laundry, and cleaning their rooms. At our house I depend on them to clean up after themselves, which is a constant fight. I actually went to therapy for a few months in order to learn how to cope. Anyway, my point is they are children and no matter how a parent chooses to treat them, they are still kids. They deserve your undivided attention and uncompromising love, no matter what! If you do not think you can give this to the little nephew, then you need to seriously reconsider the relationship. If you stay with him then you need to make an effort to include the nephew in everything. You are being a little selfish but trust me, I understand where you are coming from. Good luck, and make it a joyous Christmas, Don't sweat the small stuff :-)
I dont think your being selfish at all hun. You should tell your boyfriend he might understand, say its normally the parents who put the stocking up and ur kids are still getting the idea of their parents not being together. My mum and dad split up and my dad started a new life 10 miles away and now he has a son, me and my dad get on really well but i feel like i get left out alot but ive said can we spend mre time together please dad and he said he hasnt got the time. Also we never really get to talk in private only on the car journey home. Hope this sortaa helped :) xo
You need to sit and actually talk to your kids about how they feel to have this strange man around and i say strange because his not there dad and just try get there feelings on him and what they expect him to be like with you.. see if there okay with him staying in there home every night ... if they say no there not comfortable with him staying well then they prob wont like the stocking hung up.. Remember your kids needs come 1st and just make sure there needs are met and there not uncomfortable and then and only then you talk to ur b/f about it.