Ok, this is a two part question. Please help with one or both. Anything is appreciated.
First, can i un-invite someone that i asked to be a bridesmaid? I asked a childhood friend, and i haven't seen her or really talked to her since i asked her to be a bridesmaid. she didn't come to the engagment party, even after i told her that she didn't have to stay long. Is it ok to un-ask her and how would i go about it?
Second, my mom knows about 7 million people, and i can't invite more than 170 to my wedding. Is it OK to invite people to pre-wedding activities such as showers or bachlorette parties even if they aren't invited to the wedding???
Thank you for all your help :)
2008-12-02T07:30:04Z
i just wanted to clarify a little. i dont have many girl friends. this girl has floated in and out of my life since we were little (she was my neighbor growing up) i'm not mad about the engagement party, and it has nothing really to do with it. i just feel like she doesn't want to be in it and i only really asked her because i feel kind of like a loser with no girl friends to have in my wedding
2008-12-02T11:27:23Z
ok, here's the deal. my fiance and i are paying for everything ourselves. my mom's "close friends" out number the population of the city we live in lol it's not that i just want gifts from people...i just dont want them to feel left out. i have decided to have a 'second' guest list, and as i get rsvps with a no, i am going to invite people off the second list.
Constellation2008-12-02T07:48:13Z
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If you don't want her involved anymore, ask her quickly and to-the-point, but bear in mind, she will probably be really hurt and offended, and you might lose your friendship with her over this...but if you still don't want her in it, then do it. The earlier you remove her, the less money she will be spending on your wedding, and the better the chance is that you could maybe salvage this relationship.
Also, it's probably not a good idea to invite people to pre-wedding events and then not have them invited to the wedding. When people are invited to showers and the like, they assume they are invited to the actual wedding too...and many of those pre-wedding parties involve gift-giving, and that wouldn't be right to have them buy you a gift when you aren't even able to include them on that day.
It's good to have a guest limit right off the bat, though. It forces everyone to be better about cutting their lists-because you physically can't fit more than x number of guests in the space. And trust me: 170 is going to be a lot of folks anyways. And let your mom know that if some of the original guests decline and can't make it, she can invite additional people to fill in those spaces. But have a cut off date for those guest invites too-so it doesn't look like you are simply squeezing in extra guests a week before the Big Day.
Part 1 answer : Invite that childhood friend over for lunch and have a heart to heart talk with her. Does she really wants to be a part of the wedding? Ask her what's bothering her. IF she's afraid of being in front of the audience, maybe she can do other duties such as an Usher or attendant. At least the thing you did is face her up front about it.
As for your mom, also have a sit down with her and explain that you can only afford 170 guests to come to your wedding. If she wants to pay for the 7 million people she's going to have to pay out of her own pocket for the cost, which I'm sure is too much. I think it would be rude if you invited them to all the pre-wedding activities but not the wedding itself. It's like thinking they're not good enough to share in on your celebration.
You write: Is it OK to invite people to pre-wedding activities such as showers or bachlorette parties even if they aren't invited to the wedding???
No, that is not okay. Sorry. Would be much better to have an informal barbecue or open house, after the wedding. Invite all then, after your honeymoon.
To invite them before and then not include them at the wedding could be seen as greedy and gift-grubbing. I advise against it.
You write: Is it ok to un-ask her and how would i go about it?
Asking someone to leave the bridal party usually ruins the friendship. My advice? Accept the fact that she may do no more than buy the dress and stand next to you on the wedding day. Please allow her to do so. Don't ruin a long-term friendship.
1. Yes, go ahead. Do it as nicely as possible though. I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid and said yes as I was super excited for my friend. When she started talking about everything she wanted, I realized I could not afford even 1/3 of what she was planning on. I had to bow out. If you're wanting her to back out, then she likely wants to as well. I would take her to lunch and say it as simply and nicely as possible. "I feel that we've drifted apart. While I really hope you'll attend my wedding, I feel bad about the pressure a bridesmaid faces, especially as we're not that close anymore. I'm sure it's stressful and difficult to spend all this money when you're no longer close with the bride. I don't want you to feel obligated to remain in my wedding party." That's really the nicest way to say it. Coming out directly and saying "I don't want you to be a bridesmaid anymore" will be hurtful, no matter how you try to sugar coat it. This gives her the option to opt out. And I really hope you two have truly drifted and it isn't just because she missed the engagement party.
2. I'm sorry, but it is in very poor etiquette to invite those that are not invited to the wedding to any shower or bachelorette party. Only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the showers/etc. You can invite people to the wedding who are not invited to the shower, but not invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding. If your mother wants all of those people, perhaps she should contribute to the cost? If you're paying for it yourself, you're under no obligation to invite every person your mother has ever said hello to. Her close friends should be invited if possible, as they most likely watched you grow up. If your parents are paying for the wedding, then they should have the option of inviting as many people as they chose. It's their money. But hopefully a compromise of some sort can be reached.
First question - if you want to stay friends with her at all, then no, you can't uninvite her. You should have thought of how not-close you are to her before you asked. If you absolutely can't stomach the thought of her in your wedding, lie. Say, "We just found out the venue won't let us have more than three attendants each. I'm so sorry to do this, but I won't be able to have you as a bridesmaid. But I really hope you'll still come as our guest."
Second question - it is totally rude to invite someone to your wedding-related activities and not invite them to the wedding. It's like saying "I want you to give me a gift but I don't want you at my wedding." How would you feel about that?