Serious Question About Weddings - HELP PLEASE?

If you don't want her involved anymore, ask her quickly and to-the-point, but bear in mind, she will probably be really hurt and offended, and you might lose your friendship with her over this...but if you still don't want her in it, then do it. The earlier you remove her, the less money she will be spending on your wedding, and the better the chance is that you could maybe salvage this relationship.

Also, it's probably not a good idea to invite people to pre-wedding events and then not have them invited to the wedding. When people are invited to showers and the like, they assume they are invited to the actual wedding too...and many of those pre-wedding parties involve gift-giving, and that wouldn't be right to have them buy you a gift when you aren't even able to include them on that day.

It's good to have a guest limit right off the bat, though. It forces everyone to be better about cutting their lists-because you physically can't fit more than x number of guests in the space. And trust me: 170 is going to be a lot of folks anyways.

And let your mom know that if some of the original guests decline and can't make it, she can invite additional people to fill in those spaces. But have a cut off date for those guest invites too-so it doesn't look like you are simply squeezing in extra guests a week before the Big Day.

Best of luck to you!

Part 1 answer : Invite that childhood friend over for lunch and have a heart to heart talk with her. Does she really wants to be a part of the wedding? Ask her what's bothering her. IF she's afraid of being in front of the audience, maybe she can do other duties such as an Usher or attendant. At least the thing you did is face her up front about it.

As for your mom, also have a sit down with her and explain that you can only afford 170 guests to come to your wedding. If she wants to pay for the 7 million people she's going to have to pay out of her own pocket for the cost, which I'm sure is too much. I think it would be rude if you invited them to all the pre-wedding activities but not the wedding itself. It's like thinking they're not good enough to share in on your celebration.

Good Luck!

You write: Is it OK to invite people to pre-wedding activities such as showers or bachlorette parties even if they aren't invited to the wedding???

No, that is not okay. Sorry. Would be much better to have an informal barbecue or open house, after the wedding. Invite all then, after your honeymoon.

To invite them before and then not include them at the wedding could be seen as greedy and gift-grubbing. I advise against it.

You write: Is it ok to un-ask her and how would i go about it?

Asking someone to leave the bridal party usually ruins the friendship. My advice? Accept the fact that she may do no more than buy the dress and stand next to you on the wedding day. Please allow her to do so. Don't ruin a long-term friendship.

1. Yes, go ahead. Do it as nicely as possible though. I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid and said yes as I was super excited for my friend. When she started talking about everything she wanted, I realized I could not afford even 1/3 of what she was planning on. I had to bow out. If you're wanting her to back out, then she likely wants to as well. I would take her to lunch and say it as simply and nicely as possible. "I feel that we've drifted apart. While I really hope you'll attend my wedding, I feel bad about the pressure a bridesmaid faces, especially as we're not that close anymore. I'm sure it's stressful and difficult to spend all this money when you're no longer close with the bride. I don't want you to feel obligated to remain in my wedding party." That's really the nicest way to say it. Coming out directly and saying "I don't want you to be a bridesmaid anymore" will be hurtful, no matter how you try to sugar coat it. This gives her the option to opt out. And I really hope you two have truly drifted and it isn't just because she missed the engagement party.

2. I'm sorry, but it is in very poor etiquette to invite those that are not invited to the wedding to any shower or bachelorette party. Only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the showers/etc. You can invite people to the wedding who are not invited to the shower, but not invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding. If your mother wants all of those people, perhaps she should contribute to the cost? If you're paying for it yourself, you're under no obligation to invite every person your mother has ever said hello to. Her close friends should be invited if possible, as they most likely watched you grow up. If your parents are paying for the wedding, then they should have the option of inviting as many people as they chose. It's their money. But hopefully a compromise of some sort can be reached.

First question - if you want to stay friends with her at all, then no, you can't uninvite her. You should have thought of how not-close you are to her before you asked. If you absolutely can't stomach the thought of her in your wedding, lie. Say, "We just found out the venue won't let us have more than three attendants each. I'm so sorry to do this, but I won't be able to have you as a bridesmaid. But I really hope you'll still come as our guest."

Second question - it is totally rude to invite someone to your wedding-related activities and not invite them to the wedding. It's like saying "I want you to give me a gift but I don't want you at my wedding." How would you feel about that?

I'm responding to the second question only...

I have the exact same problem (I acutally posted a similar question on here several weeks ago). My mom wants to invite a whole ton of people (around 300 plus mine and my fiance's 150), BUT we are only allowing for 200 total. My mom also has several friends/co-workers who want to throw me a shower, BUT those people are not on my invite list. (my wedding will be about 45 minutes away from my hometown where all these people live...but I'm not sure that matters)

Instead of them throwing me a shower, I asked her friends to throw me a post-honeymoon reception for all my mom's people who I couldn't invite to my wedding (which I'm still calling a "small, private ceremony"). With a reception, there is no expectation that guests should bring gifts, but the invitation should make no mention either way. If guests bring gifts, that's their perogative. We are also considering showing the wedding ceremony video at that reception.

I completely agree with others that a "shower" is inappopriate for the same reasons already mentioned, but a "reception" is a different type of event that you could probably get away with. And having others throw the event for you saves you on $$.

Congratulations and best wishes!

Hi.

Just my opinion on the two questions....NO, and NO.

I think once you have asked someone, you have asked them. Have YOU tried to touch base with her? Maybe she had a good reason for not attending your engagement party. She is probably not wanting to butt in....so she is waiting for you to call to ask to go and look at dresses, etc. OR...maybe she feels the same way? Who knows? The only way to find out, is to come out and ask her if she is still willing to be a bridesmaid. If she says, YES, then I think you need to go with it.

Second question. Only those who will be invited to the wedding and reception should be invited to the shower. A bachelorette party might be a different story. But definitely with the shower....you must invite ALL of those ladies also to the wedding AND reception.

Hope this helps! Good luck.

You don't have to "un-invite" her to the wedding. Just have a talk with her and put the blame on yourself. Say something like this: "Listen, I really wanted you to be a bridesmaid in the wedding because you mean a lot to me. But we've been spending more than we planned on this wedding so I was hoping you wouldn't mind being the ____ (insert a job for her here) instead." Then you could assign her another function. It's hard for her to say no when you tell her she means a lot to you.

Also, stick to your list. Tell your mom to handle HER own friends. If she wants to invite them to the shower, let her. But let her explain why everyone can't be invited to the wedding. That takes the pressure off YOU. They're her friends, so let her deal with it.

Un-inviting someone to be part of your wedding is kind of rude, but I get your point to want to uninvite her! If you want you can, tell her that you HAVE to get this other person to be a bridesmaid in her place due to family ties and such, so she wont feel bad that she got left out due to your family.

And about your guests, if your parents want to have the trillion people over, do what a friend of mine did: She had her ceremony and invited EVERYONE at our church, so they could all be witnessing her marrige. She had a coctail (fruit punch, cheese and crackers) after the ceremony for those who were only invited to the ceremony, then she had her Normal reception for the 100 more important guests she could sit at the hall. Make sure to separate the invitations so that you invite only the right people to the REAL reception!

No to both questions. It's extremely rude to invite someone to participate in your big day and then uninvite them. Unless she did something completely unforgiveable (trying to sleep with your groom or punching you in the face, for example), not coming to your engagement party is not a good reason to un-ask her. Keep in mind that being your bridesmaid doesn't mean her life has to revolve around your wedding. Maybe she had other plans for the day of your party. It used to be that all a bridesmaid was expected to do was show up at the wedding wearing a nice dress and maybe help plan a shower. Now, brides expect that their bridesmaids will drop everything to make their lives revolve around someone else's wedding day. Engagement parties, multiple showers, bachelorette weekends, rehearsal dinners, and the wedding... honestly, it's a bit much. This person is your friend, not your servant.

Secondly, no, no, no. It is extremely tacky to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. Let's be honest - showers are not that fun, and the entire point of them is for people to give you gifts. By inviting someone to a shower and not to the wedding, you're basically saying, "I only want you around for your gifts. You're not important enough to be invited to share in the most important day in my life, but I expect you to spend money on me anyway."