top 10 things to know about someone before you marry?
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. We wanted to know what others thought were important to talk about before marriage. So far we have Religion money kids, pets common interest politics stress how we deal sexual things goals in life roles each other will play in raising kids, and in life in general between us daily living holiday's extended family involvement side of the bed you sleep on where to live how he treats his mom and women past relationships
So anything other then whats on this list would be of great help. We've already had someone suggest a book......no money currently for a book but in a few weeks. So list away. What was important to you when you got married or what is important to you when you get married.
2008-12-11T12:16:42Z
WOW! everyone has givin us lots to talk about! not that we haven't talked about all of it in pieces at some point, but none the less this gives us more things to talk about!
part of the kids thing was at what length do we go to have a family. Infertility on both parts. He has Spinal Bifita, and for me i don't see that, in other words i don't treat him any different then i would someone who can walk.
I hope to keep getting more and more suggestions. They are all wonderful! I don't think i'll be able to pick the best one! they are all great!
2008-12-11T12:31:56Z
Kimmy,
While a few years ago i would have agreed with you, i've done it once with out living with someone and once with living together before hand. I see no difference. Neither way did i see the real person till after the wedding. My second i lived with him 3 yrs before we married.
I will not live with someone I am not married to. Religious beliefs on both mine and his parts. I'm getting to know the real person quiet well through the conversations and time spent together. Both of us feel that we are building a stronger base for a marriage not living together. Among other things that we are doing.
2008-12-11T12:55:25Z
I had to laugh at this.....Simply because neither of us can have children with out medical intervention. Thought i think these questions are great! For anyone getting married or engaged! Made me chuckle! -Off springs from previous relationships Some men (and women!) keep it a secret that they pay child support to thier high school sweetheart. Ask before you get married if he has children that you do not know about
Runnin for my life '732008-12-11T12:08:47Z
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You have a great start with your list and everyone else has offered very valuable insight as well. Good for you for thinking about this all in advance so you give each topic the time it deserves.
Before getting engaged and moving in together, our relationship was all smooth sailing. It is a lot of work afterwards, but worth every second to be able to be with the one you love night after night!
We have been married 2 months. There are definately some things I wish I had known, but we had gone over most of this list in our premarital counseling with an actual marriage counselor because we did not get married through a tradional church so didn't have a program to participate in:
1) Does he accept help (shoveling or cooking) for things or just assume that you will just do them or he will do them or ? 2) If one of you decides to go back to school or start a business, will the other person support you, and if so, to what degree and how much are you willing to spend or lose on this? 3) Does your spouse to be like vacations that are action packed or lying on the beach? Do they like being up to date and hooked to the web or their cell phone 24/7 or can they be ok (or actually like) being cut off from civilation for awhile? I personally think it is healthy. 4) Gifts, how do you both feel about them? This was a point of contention with us because I pretty much immediately ruled out his idea of stating "no gifts" on the invite. So when his friends saw our regisitries, he said that they were all me and that he didn't want anything, which makes me out to be a witch with a b! 5) Can you communicate with each other not just accross a dinner table at a romantic restaurant or idealized values of what you want but about the realities of life, like how much can you actually afford month to month to save for your wedding without charging it, and are your parents able to help out, what are their opinions of money from growing up and do they want that themselves? 6) If either of you want to stay home with the kids. I knew my guy had mentioned he;d be willing to work part time but didn't know how strongly he felt it. He'd actually LOVE to not work at all and stay home with the kids if it is feasible. 7) To what lengths are you willing to go to have a family? IVF or adoption or ? When is the time frame for kids? 8) Will you spank your children? Are allowances a real life lesson in how to budget money or should they be docked for not completing chores around the house? 9) If either of your parents need your care later in life, who is doing it and is that realistic? 10) Will you save up to pay for college for your kids or are you ok with having them take out loans? 11) Financial hopes and dreams...buying a house, credit scores, paying bills on time, retirement, etc. 12) Prenup if necessary 13) Do you buy new cars or used and why? 14) Do they understand how their upbringing has affected them and what do they want to copy, and what should be different? 15) When you argue, does one of you want to resolve everything at once and the other start shutting down and needs time to process the information? 16) When living together, do you plan on spending most, if not all your time together or ? 17) When you come home from work, do you want 20 minutes to decompress and change or do you want to immediately talk to your spouse?
Religion Money Debts - both old and to-be-acquired Gambling Credit history -get one with or without the other's knowledge Disability (I am disabled).
I agree with you. You don't necessarily see the real person until after you marry unless he has teenaged kids who want you to know every single detail (as his do\). I was married briefly before and fortunately was able to get an annulment (bigamy) because I didn't find out until we were in court that he had many dollars of debt that I knew nothing about. If you think it isn't your problem, it is. I would have been stuck with some of that debt (especially IRS owed) even if I wasn't married to him at the time he acquired it! I recommend that all soon-to-be-married couples get a credit check on the other before going through with the wedding.
How will you support each other's careers? What would happen if one of you were offered a great position in another city?
Chores! This seems so silly, but how will you divide work around the house, including cooking? What chores do each of you hate? What messes drive you crazy? What would you consider comfortably clean for your home?
Because it sounds like there are some serious medical issues in your lives, it's worthwhile to talk now about end-of-life. I know that's a terrible conversation to have, but you'll be glad you did it now, instead of when it's at your doorstep.
How will you handle conflict? What are your "fighting styles," and what do you need to feel a conflict is resolved?
In general, what makes you feel loved? What kinds of affection do you need to feel valued - touch, kind words, gifts, etc? What's your "love language"?
You can't die taking a bullet before you die. For me it's: 10. Go to Japan. 9. Go camping in a tent. 8. Eat something that's crazy 7. Go bungee jumping. 6. Scale a building. 5. Drive a race car. 4. See the ball drop on New Year's Eve in Times Square. 3. Find my long-lost father. 2. Read the dictionary. 1. Find an ancient tomb.
-Credit score/financial status. If someone has bad credit, the other one will have too after marriage. I can tell you a lot of stories of people that didn't know theior spouses situation after collection bills started to appear and reposession of the other spouse as it becomes marital propperty and therefor liable for collection.
-Criminal Record. Oh yeah, You should ask. In some cases it will preclude the person or the spouse to get certaing type of jobs (federal, law enforcement, teaching)
-Genetic Disorders/Communicable diseases Surprise surprise! our baby has three eyes like Uncle Larry, Didn't I tell you? Yes! You should be forthcoming if you suffer from hepatatis, tuberculosis, and many other diseases.
-Joint Accounts vs. Separate accounts. Avoid bickering later.
-Taxes If yoru fiance owes taxes, when you get married and file joint, they will take it out the other spouses refund. The IRS is smart.
-Off springs from previous relationships Some men (and women!) keep it a secret that they pay child support to thier high school sweetheart. Ask before you get married if he has children that you do not know about
-Vices/Addictions People keep this embarrasing secretd to themself. Drugs, gambling, porn or prostitute, video game addictions could destroy a marriage. Do not get nasty surprises later.