top 10 things to know about someone before you marry?

You have a great start with your list and everyone else has offered very valuable insight as well. Good for you for thinking about this all in advance so you give each topic the time it deserves.

Before getting engaged and moving in together, our relationship was all smooth sailing. It is a lot of work afterwards, but worth every second to be able to be with the one you love night after night!

We have been married 2 months. There are definately some things I wish I had known, but we had gone over most of this list in our premarital counseling with an actual marriage counselor because we did not get married through a tradional church so didn't have a program to participate in:

1) Does he accept help (shoveling or cooking) for things or just assume that you will just do them or he will do them or ?

2) If one of you decides to go back to school or start a business, will the other person support you, and if so, to what degree and how much are you willing to spend or lose on this?

3) Does your spouse to be like vacations that are action packed or lying on the beach? Do they like being up to date and hooked to the web or their cell phone 24/7 or can they be ok (or actually like) being cut off from civilation for awhile? I personally think it is healthy.

4) Gifts, how do you both feel about them? This was a point of contention with us because I pretty much immediately ruled out his idea of stating "no gifts" on the invite. So when his friends saw our regisitries, he said that they were all me and that he didn't want anything, which makes me out to be a witch with a b!

5) Can you communicate with each other not just accross a dinner table at a romantic restaurant or idealized values of what you want but about the realities of life, like how much can you actually afford month to month to save for your wedding without charging it, and are your parents able to help out, what are their opinions of money from growing up and do they want that themselves?

6) If either of you want to stay home with the kids. I knew my guy had mentioned he;d be willing to work part time but didn't know how strongly he felt it. He'd actually LOVE to not work at all and stay home with the kids if it is feasible.

7) To what lengths are you willing to go to have a family? IVF or adoption or ? When is the time frame for kids?

8) Will you spank your children? Are allowances a real life lesson in how to budget money or should they be docked for not completing chores around the house?

9) If either of your parents need your care later in life, who is doing it and is that realistic?

10) Will you save up to pay for college for your kids or are you ok with having them take out loans?

11) Financial hopes and dreams...buying a house, credit scores, paying bills on time, retirement, etc.

12) Prenup if necessary

13) Do you buy new cars or used and why?

14) Do they understand how their upbringing has affected them and what do they want to copy, and what should be different?

15) When you argue, does one of you want to resolve everything at once and the other start shutting down and needs time to process the information?

16) When living together, do you plan on spending most, if not all your time together or ?

17) When you come home from work, do you want 20 minutes to decompress and change or do you want to immediately talk to your spouse?

Good luck to you!

Religion

Money

Debts - both old and to-be-acquired

Gambling

Credit history -get one with or without the other's knowledge

Disability (I am disabled).

I agree with you. You don't necessarily see the real person until after you marry unless he has teenaged kids who want you to know every single detail (as his do\). I was married briefly before and fortunately was able to get an annulment (bigamy) because I didn't find out until we were in court that he had many dollars of debt that I knew nothing about. If you think it isn't your problem, it is. I would have been stuck with some of that debt (especially IRS owed) even if I wasn't married to him at the time he acquired it! I recommend that all soon-to-be-married couples get a credit check on the other before going through with the wedding.

How will you support each other's careers? What would happen if one of you were offered a great position in another city?

Chores! This seems so silly, but how will you divide work around the house, including cooking? What chores do each of you hate? What messes drive you crazy? What would you consider comfortably clean for your home?

Because it sounds like there are some serious medical issues in your lives, it's worthwhile to talk now about end-of-life. I know that's a terrible conversation to have, but you'll be glad you did it now, instead of when it's at your doorstep.

How will you handle conflict? What are your "fighting styles," and what do you need to feel a conflict is resolved?

In general, what makes you feel loved? What kinds of affection do you need to feel valued - touch, kind words, gifts, etc? What's your "love language"?

You can't die taking a bullet before you die. For me it's: 10. Go to Japan. 9. Go camping in a tent. 8. Eat something that's crazy 7. Go bungee jumping. 6. Scale a building. 5. Drive a race car. 4. See the ball drop on New Year's Eve in Times Square. 3. Find my long-lost father. 2. Read the dictionary. 1. Find an ancient tomb.

-Credit score/financial status.

If someone has bad credit, the other one will have too after marriage. I can tell you a lot of stories of people that didn't know theior spouses situation after collection bills started to appear and reposession of the other spouse as it becomes marital propperty and therefor liable for collection.

-Criminal Record.

Oh yeah, You should ask. In some cases it will preclude the person or the spouse to get certaing type of jobs (federal, law enforcement, teaching)

-Genetic Disorders/Communicable diseases

Surprise surprise! our baby has three eyes like Uncle Larry, Didn't I tell you? Yes! You should be forthcoming if you suffer from hepatatis, tuberculosis, and many other diseases.

-Joint Accounts vs. Separate accounts.

Avoid bickering later.

-Taxes

If yoru fiance owes taxes, when you get married and file joint, they will take it out the other spouses refund. The IRS is smart.

-Off springs from previous relationships

Some men (and women!) keep it a secret that they pay child support to thier high school sweetheart. Ask before you get married if he has children that you do not know about

-Vices/Addictions

People keep this embarrasing secretd to themself. Drugs, gambling, porn or prostitute, video game addictions could destroy a marriage. Do not get nasty surprises later.

My two cents. Good luck

If he/she has:

1. debts/assets

2. illnesses (in the family)

3. addictions

4. a criminal record

5. anger management/jealousy problems

How he/she feels about:

6. religion

7. children/family

8. priorities in life (work, family, friends, etc)

9. education/ambitions

10. political/societal issues

Edit:

I agree with you. I lived with my ex for 9 years and still didn't get to see the real person until it was almost too late. Key word being ALMOST.

1. Credit card and other debt (under money I suppose but felt it was important mentioning) since it will become yours

2. Views on divorce and how you would handle what comes with it, for example how would you handle raising the children especially if one of you wanted to move away (I know it sucks to talk about the end of a marriage before it even starts but since over 1/2 of all marriages end up dealing with it it's good to talk about it now.)

3. What you definitely NEED not just want out of a relationship, life (for example if you NEED to have family dinners every night that needs to be brought up).

Hope this gave you some ideas of conversations to have!

Seems to be pretty comprehensive, but here's a couple of things that came up in my premarital counselling:

family of origin - how you're used to dealing with conflicts

family of origin again - who does what (did mom *always* mow the lawn? will he just assume you'd do it?)

Don't worry too much about it. If you really want to make sure that you've covered it all, then go for your premarital couple's counselling before you get engaged.

Oh, and side of the bed you sleep on WILL be changed by having someone else in the bed with you, so that isn't really something to worry about before you get married.

I think in general it's important to discuss expectations in practically everything, because you learn very quickly that they differ more than you imagined, esp. in what you're "used to" or were raised with.

Some specific things I think is important to discuss beforehand:

-How do you view gender roles within marriage? How will you split the chores, cooking, house stuff, child rearing, etc? What did your parents do, and what is your expectation? Also important to discuss is cleaning habits and each partner's level of cleanliness- will they pitch in even if they don't think it's messy?

-How will you combine/ split finances? Will you budget? If so, how will you come up with one and how will you stick to it? What are your partner's spending habits (frugal, save, splurge, impulsive) in relation to your own?

-How is your communication? Do you argue a lot, and if so, is it messy or do you resolve conflicts quickly and fairly? Is one person more aggressive/passive? Is one more emotional/insensitive? Does anyone have childhood or emotional issues that still need to be resolved? How will you find "the same page" so you can communicate effectively?

-What are your leisure habits and how do they differ? Is one partner more recreational/ social? How will you divide your time with each other, friends, and family? Do you expect the other to always tag along, or do you have "nights off"?

-Does your partner have any addictions or annoying habits? Will they work on them or are they set in stone? They will bother you about 100 times more once you're married, so you better be prepared to deal with it.

-Have you faced large obstacles throughout the course of your relationship (i.e. moving, death of someone close, financial or health crises)? How did you each react, and how did you overcome it together? How does your partner cope with difficulties and stress?

-What are your partner's goals in life? Are they similar to yours or able to be reconciled together? Could include things like children, careers, hobbies, lifestyle, where you live, etc.

-How do you relate on a daily basis? How will you cope with the daily grind of life within your relationship? Do you like being around them 24/7, even during the normal, routine times, or are they too boring/draining? Does either partner shut off at times, or need more space? How does the other respond?

-Who is/ will be your support system? Who will you go to for counseling and advice for your relationship (and are they qualified to give it)? Who can you vent to? Are you friends with any married couples that might serve as role models or mentors?

-Do you like your partner as a person (not just love them)? Do you respect them? Why? Do they respect and like you? How do you show each other your love and respect? If your passionate in-loveness cooled, would you still enjoy their company and friendship?

I would be hard-pressed to come up with a list... I feel that while each individual item is important, it is the combination of things that makes of breaks the relationship. It's important to know as much as you can about the other person, but a lot of this knowledge comes not from going through a check-list of some sort, but from simply interacting with the person on a day-to-day basis. Also, not all things are immutable; people and relationships evolve - you shape each other as you get to know each other. I think I go with the gut feeling, not with any particular check list. When I met my husband, it just "felt right" for us to be together, and everything else just fell into place.