Valentine's Day, is it not a good day for poetry?

Question

Until now, I've just been lurking around, making some comments
and wisecracks.  It's time I got my feet wet (so to speak) 
and actually posted a poem.  I wrote this several years ago,
and presented it at open-mic poetry readings. (also gave it to
a special lady friend)  Since this is a public forum and the
poem has never officially been published, I have added a
copy-right notice in order to retain rights.
Any comments are welcome.



            AFFINITY

In my silent contemplation
  There's a hint of expectation
    And the promise of elation
      In the image of your face.
While a latent excitation
  Waxes brazen, to fixation;
    Is it just infatuation
      Or the need for your embrace?

Oh, my love, I could describe you;
  Euphemistically contrive to
  Paint your loveliness
  With time-worn simile and metaphor.
But no quaint phrase or talk of roses
  Ever could expose
  The beauty of your soul
  Or its tenderheartedness.

So I long for your compassion;
  And a surging pulse of passion
    Comes to me in such a fashion
      As to overwhelm my heart.
Then I contemplate the essence
  Of your smiling effervescence
    And the shining incandescence
      That your presence does impart.


©2009, Paul Amorose

.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Oh my gosh!  Sock a tease!  Excellent!

Patrick R · Answer

You should be writing lyrics for musicals. This is very Gilbert & Sullivan.

However, I find the second stanza very unsatisfying. The rhythm doesn't work, esp. in the second half. You may want to get rid of "and metaphor," or at least change it to "metaphor and simile." The "ee" sound is much more open and has more positive connotations---"whee!", "glee," "reverie," etc.---and thus the possibility of better, more appropriate rhymes. The "for" of metaphor is much too closed and has too many negative connotations: "whore," "chore," "gore," etc.

Also "loneliness" and "tenderheartedness" are too far away from each other to be a rhyme that stands out, partly because the rhyme is weak as it is, relying only on "ness" to do the job. All the other sets of three rhymes have two syllables in common---and they're more clever/fun anyway. "Roses" and "expose," because they're approximate, again don't live up to the standard of the other two stanzas and their rhymes. Besides, the second stanza really should have the same AAABAAAB scheme the others have (or, more properly, CCCDCCCD). I don't, however, see much of a problem with "you" and "to"; in fact, the "to" surprises the reader---and, I have to admit, an imagined listener. For me there's just no escaping the poem's song lyric quality.

The other stanzas are perfect, though!

And find a composer you can collaborate with on a musical! Give my regards to Broadway!

gennaria · Answer

i think of your poem is astonishing. I wrote one for my female chum: So even with the undeniable fact which you made your self come from lust So even with the undeniable fact which you acted such as you have been riped from the sands of time So even with the undeniable fact which you inspired ecstasy interior the eclipses of solar And made veiled sin like immortality reminiscent I pledge my soul to you so very grand i such as you from yet another stay i such as you very so like the angels and that i would be St. Valentine

Acorn · Answer

It has a good balance of levity and sincerity.  Excellent rhymes too.

I bet it made you special lady friend smile.

Daisy · Answer

The heck with getting your feet wet, jump in! This is good!!!  Would like to read more from you, this teases..

Valentine's Day, is it not a good day for poetry?

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