How to deal with future mother in law?

Question

I will first say I love that my fiancé is close to his family and in no way want him to be away from them. And I will marry him. He is super close to my family.  Basically to put it nicely, I never really clicked with my fiancée’s parents. His mom has always been sugary sweet to my face, but I always got the phony vibe from her. We have little in common, though we can make small talk if needed. I would go over with baked goods and was always nice to them. They seem to have this holier then though attitude where they think they are perfect and seem really judgmental which he and I are not. I always went over, was respectful, baked cakes for them but eventually started to dread going over since they never ask me anything about myself or make normal conversation. I live alone so he stays over a few nights a week and we go out in my area so I don’t see them often, only positive. She would do occasional nice things, but I hardly think it's from the goodness of her heart and that she does it so my fiancée, her only child, will think she's from heaven above. I've told my financee nicely that we have little in common so we may not become close. He confided in me that his mother did not like a previous girl he was dating bc she wore a skirt to the house when she first visited, that one reason alone. 

She can't stand her mother in law and has bashed, made fun of and talked about her to my fiancée for the past 29 years, causing him to be close to her mother and not his dad's mom. She is as sweet as sugar to her though, really overkill. My only communication with her has always been through my fiancée and I am fine with that. To make a long story short, she did something that offended my a while back, I spoke about it with my fiancée, he confronted her and I guess no one calls mommy out. Ever since then she's become a witch. Some instances are: at my engagement party that my family paid for she only socialized with her side and her family, my friend caught her glaring at me and the rest of my friends at our table and even questioned why she hardly spoke to me. The next time I saw her at a family party that I went to out of respect for my fiancée, she gave me no kiss hello, waved her hand and turned her back, rolled her eyes and smirked at her husband when my mother called my fiancée’s cell phone which I find disrespectful to me and my mother, tried to ease drop on our conversation, glaring at me while I was eating, all during this I killed her with kindness telling her how great her food is, even though I didn't like it. She couldn't even say thank you. When my finacee was around though she made sure to give me a kiss goodbye lol. After that day I had enough and haven't seen her since and it’s been great. I am kind and respectful to those who treat me that way, but if you act like an ahole, I pull back and sometimes people get the hint. My fiancée invited me, not her directly, to go to eat for her bday, but since I guess he sees the ways she acting and sensed the tension told me "If you don't want to come, I’ll more then understand and u don't have to".  I never gave him an answer so he knows I won't be going, why should I? I will send my regards to her through him. I am happy seeing her when I have to and I will be cordial and respectful but will not kiss ***. It is his mother, so he can deal with her. Am I doing the right thing by distancing myself, as at this point I don’t care? Please nonjudgmental advice. She also doesn’t know me very well in that I will call and put people in their place, family or not, in about 2 seconds flat, but haven’t to her out of respect.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

See I am the exact opposite... just to piss her off even more... I would go and KILL her with kindness... it's not kissing her a**... it's killing her with kindness to ANNOY the hell out of her. Be nice to her... but don't lead on like your a dumb a** who doesn't realize the vibes she is giving you... be nice... but make it known you are acknowledging what she is doing but you refuse to be fazed by it. Because if you stop going to family events and push your self farther and farther away from his family... she will have won... because I am sure that is EXACTLY what she is trying to do.

Sounds to me like she has a bad case of "No one will ever be good enough for my one and only son"

BAHAHAHAHA OMG... you should go to the bday dinner... kill her with kindness... and buy her something absolutely hideous!!! bahahaha

Wifeforlife · Answer

Please read your own post. I am, as you asked, not being judgemental, but you are complaining that your future MIL is 'two-faced' and yet you admit that you "didn't like her food but tell her it's great" and that shows that you are actually being less than honest yourself, like "the pot calling the kettle black". You took the second hand gossip from your friend that she was "glaring" at you although you didn't see it yourself. Have you considered that you've told your friends that you don't like her and they are exaggerating things just to show you that they are "on your side". there shouldn't be any sides, actually, and, as the old saying goes, "To have a friend, you must be a friend". Gossiping about your MIL to your friends and family is not the way to become a good DIL or part of his family circle. Try this experiment for the next three months: if someone says anything negative about her, say "Oh, that's all water under the bridge now. Everything is fine." Then change the subject. If she asks you if you like a certain dish, say "You know, it's not something I'd eat as a rule, but you obviously make it very well because everyone else is enjoying it. Then comment on something that is truthful such as "Your china is so pretty." or "Bob always talks about your ..., can you show me how you make it one day?" That is not kssing ***, it is acting like a mature, intelligent woman. You will be a mother one day, and then a mother-in-law so start learning how to be a good example. It NEVER hurts to be respectful, honest and kind. This woman raised your husband , whom you love dearly, so she must have some wonderful qualities that you might be overlooking. Please try.

sweetwickedgrl · Answer

Go shopping with your fiance for her birthday present, and make sure you both sign the card.  You are becoming a part of her family, and you don't want her to think that she can come between you and her son.  Before you go, you and your fiance should come up with a "plan" to leave early if it's too tense.  Mention casually that he has to get up early the next morning. Make small talk, and make a point to talk about yourself - something you're doing at work, or maybe something new with your family.  
If you find yourself running out of things to say to her, ask her questions.  What was your fiance like when he was a little kid?  How did she and your future father-in-law meet?  What was their wedding like?  Maybe it will help her like you if you show an interest in her?

Blue · Answer

Some mother's never want to let go of their little boys and nobody will be good enough.  Undermining any relationships becomes a way of life.

  It's nice that your boyfriend sees these things and understands where you are coming from.  However, your fiancee needs to understand that this is a damaging game that she's playing with his life (and yours) and if he ever wants to be independent of her and have his own healthy relationships free of her constant sabotauging them out of selfishness, then he needs to let her know that it won't be tolerated.

So, in other words, it's not enough that he understands why you won't go to her birthday party.  He needs to stand by you and not go either.  And let her know why.  He needs to let her know in a very real way that if he has to make a choice who he's going to stand with because of her nasty games, then she's the one who's going to lose.  

   I recommend the both of you taking a stand on this now, because first she'll ruin your wedding if you let this go.  And then it'll only get worse later.  And one aspect of it is that although your fiancee understands now, he may come to resent you when your resistance to spending time with his family later continues.  She'll use it against you and he may buy her crap and blame you for it all.  Like, I'm sure she's the misunderstood, innocent one in all of this, right?  Well, it won't change if HE doesn't take a stand.

  She needs to understand, by his absence at her birthday party, that she won't just be getting rid of an unwanted daughter-in-law, she'll be losing a son as well.  And that is not her goal.  She wants her baby all to herself.

  Good luck.

Yes, it&#39;s true · Answer

This is very long and I kept getting confused by all the "She" and "he" and Fiancee (Fiancee is a girl). 

I think that a smart thing would be to get into couple's counseling right now.  This way you can set up boundaries that your Fiance will respect after you get married.  It may be dealing with her now and continuing to be the bigger person, and then distancing yourself after the marriage, but FI needs to know that and accept it.  The last thing you want is to spring it on him after the marriage and put him in the middle of a pi99ing contest between his wife & his mom.  

This isn't really a decision that you should be making alone, or alone with strangers on the Internet.  It's one that you need to make with the help and understanding of your Fiance.  A counselor can help you two deal with it in an adult and mature manner.

Luv2Answer · Answer

Your story so resembles my own that I teared up from reading it, bringing back so many memories for me. I have been married over 10 years now. This is what has happened since: I tried to kill her with kindness despite the history before we got married and it never worked. She never showed interest in me as a person yet accused me, to my husband, of not liking her. The truth is that I just gave up. Today we have kids and I have no relationship with her at all. He goes to visit her without me. She doesn't care since she never liked me anyway and I am less stressed because I don't have to deal with her. I see her on major holidays, am polite, but we are not friends. Everyone seems to be happy with the arrangement. 

You need to do what you have to do to live your life stress free! You shouldn't have to deal with all of this just to marry someone you love. Hopefully you have his support on this. Good Luck.

How to deal with future mother in law?

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