How do I handle the baby's father? (It's quite long)?

I dated a guy for six years. We talked about marriage and kids a good bit. He was my first true love and at times I think I still love him. We've been through a lot and I don't think I can get past all the lieing, cheating, and neglect. I'm trying really hard not to let me feeling interfere with his relationship with our son, Beau.

In July 2008 he got a DWI (his second on record, actual third though). He was given a hardship license. Well when I came up pregnant in September 2008 he freaked. We tried to work things out but he worried more about partying and deer hunting. His hardship license was suppose to be used for work but he would use it to drive three hours away to go hunting. I was in school so I could not go hunting with him (which I love hunting). I may have become somewhat nagging because I knew his hardship was not suppose to be used to go hunting and I was worried about his safety. He ended up getting stopped for speeding and was arrested. I drove to bail him out and he never said thank you.

We argued for a few more weeks because he never helped with any baby things and would not drive to come see me at my house (thirty minutes away). It was always my job to go see him. So I would drive big, pregnant, and tired. I never moved in because of his temper which he couldn't control (he threw a stove out of his house the day after I got out of the hospital for spotting). I stopped going over there to see if he'd ever come over my house. I ended up finding out that he had been taking other girls to his camp and having girls sleep at his house. Those girls ended up calling and harrassing me until the day before I had my baby. Sad thing is he always talked about having a family. Anyways regardless of what was going on I constanly invited him to come to baby classes, hospital tours, to make my registery, to help with the nursery... he always refuse to go hunting or fishing.

At my nine months I gave up and found out he lost his hardship license. I thought maybe he'd have time to grow up and his mom would bring him to see me, nope he still had more drama then ever. I went over times and was enduced. I did not call the baby's father when I was in labor because I did not want him to ruin the birth of my son. He always seems to cause drama.

He came to the hospital the day our son was born and then did not come visit again until my son was two weeks old. Since then he has come to my house 8 times (our son is 5 months old). He talks about how he wants our son to know his father and so having a big heart I pack up my son and bring him over there. While there he does everything wrong and does not listen to my advice. He tells me I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm not being a mom that says it's suppose to be my way but our son has reflux so he needs to be fed sitting up or he will start gagging, and he shouldn't be given water in a bottle. The father doesn't change diapers quickly enough which will give him a bleeding rash. He left the baby in a tub by himself to run in another room to get something. He lets Beau sleep on his stomach and falls asleep holding Beau. I mean it's serious stuff.

I decided that he needed supervised visits and when he showed he could care for him alone I left Beau with his father alone for a day. When I picked up our son the father was ranting and raving about a rash and threatened to call child services on me. That was when I gave up and stopped bring our son to visit.

He recently is trying again but only at my convince. He still has no license. He can find a ride to his hunting camp three hours away, but cannot get to my house thirty minutes away. To me his priorities are in the wrong place.

Not to mention he has spent $250 dollars on our son (which $100 of that is at his house) and 2 packs of diapers. Yesterday I went and picked the father up from work and took him shopping for clothes for our son which he spent $60 on. He refuses to help pay for child care because he says, "I'm not paying someone else to see my son when I can't even see him."

Please don't tell me to go to court. The baby's birth certificate does not have the father's name on it and until he takes me to court that is the way it will stay. I have ALL say so on our son's well being and like it that way.

I just want to know when do I stop helping someone who doesn't help me? I've asked for money and he tells me that when he sees his son he will pay what he thinks is fair. I've replied that he can come see his son anytime he wants, he just has to find his own ride. And whether he sees his son or not that his son is still alive and needs things.

2009-08-31T10:43:46Z

I am not pushing him to be around. He calls me and asks to see our son. I only ask that if he sees Beau, he pays too. I don't think its fair for him to have a free ride if he wants to be apart of Beau's life.

Anonymous2009-08-31T11:00:13Z

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I have to be honest, our stories are so very similar it's scary! My ex and I dated for what seemed like forever! We talked about marriage, children, buying a house, the month I got pregnant we were talking about getting a dog. Then I got pregnant. He told me to get an abortion, that he was not ready for children. I figured since we had come this far it would have just sped things up, but he walked away cold turkey. I invited him to everything regarding the baby. When I was 20 weeks, he called and asked if he could come visit, as you know he lives in another state. I asked why now? He said that he wanted to see me... so we talked and finally I got it out of him, he wanted me to have an abortion. He thought if he was down here he could be more convincing! I was flabbergasted and stopped talking to him. He is not on the birth certificate... and that is exactly why he and I do not go to court. He refuses to see our daughter and won't help in anyway, as you know! MY daughter has been sick and hospitalized! I called him for a family history question and he could not call me back because he was with his dad and his dad does not know about our daughter! The next day I text him because the pediatrician came back in to check on her... and I tried to call while she was there, but he was out with friends and too busy. That night I text and he was out with friends at a party. I gave up. He finally called but at that point they had already run the extensive painful test that I was trying to avoid. His response was, " Well she won't remember it. She is too little!" I was so hurt! He does not help me out finacially. He won't buy her anything. He does not want to "waste" his money and he, "should not have to be responsible for something he(I) did not want" and I quote!
I know my daughter can tell when I have to talk to him or I have talked to him, because she gets fussy and just irritable. I know I give off anger and sadness, so for her sake I have had to wash my hands of him. The only time I will ever talk to him is if our daughter had another medical issue! He is not worth it.

Moral of the story... neither is your's. Our babies need happy mommies not ones who are constantly worrying about their fathers. It was their parents job to raise them, not ours... and I do not want to raise an adult! I paid for 3 years of my ex's college education, when he was here with me. Go figure... That was the plan. He would finish and then we would work on getting me through...! Yea right! Good thing is that I do not have any of the loans in my name. But it did not matter, there was maybe 2k left on the one from his 3rd year! Just walk away. Do not call him and maybe eventually he will forget. I know that sounds so bad... but really I do not want my daughter to know that she was not her father's first priority, ya know? Same with your son! They are too precious to be jacked around with like that... by their FLESH and BLOOD none the less. It's disgusting to me! I wish you the best and remember you are the only one your son needs right now! I totally understand the money issue too, as you already know, but I know we will make it!
I just want to share this with you... a question was asked about what men thought of single mom's and if they were afraid to be involved with them. A woman responded with the nicest and funniest answer! She said,"You'll never know how much you'll like the ice cream and sprinkles if you don't try the ice cream because of the sprinkles!" Ice cream - single mom, sprinkles - baby. I thought that was super cute. Keep your head up and just stay away from your ex... he has used you for the last time

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Me2009-08-31T09:17:32Z

Guys really suck at some of this baby stuff. They don't have the same instincts as we do. My bf would give my mini heart attacks when he used to toss our 3 month old into the air and then catch her. How is that necessary? Anyways, don't write him off for the stupid stuff. I agree the bath incident is pretty bad. Remember to pick your battles. Hopefully he gets some time seeing how good parents treat a baby (like you) and he will actually learn a thing or two.

If he wants time with his son, you should encourage that. Some fathers don't. It also might be good for him and give him some motivation to get his life straightened out.

I say you work out some sort of agreement. Offer him rides if he agrees to watch the baby at your place (and maybe then you can supervise a little?) or think of other ways he could get over (bus, friends, etc.)

Oh, and he should be paying more for his son than what he's paying. No matter who's name is on the birth certificate. No matter who watches your son while you work. No matter if there's a court order or not. Your son has needs.

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Notagain2009-08-31T10:03:10Z

you should have stopped helping him when he got arrested. You should have left his butt in jail. Personally I believe you are enabling this childish behavior of his because you still have feelings for him. Although why you would love someone who clearly doesn't love or respect you is beyond me.

It's time to wake up and put yuor son first, drop this loser. If he wants to be a part of his son's life he will and no amount of nagging or lack of communcation on your part will stop him. A man who wants to father his child doesn't need to be reminded he's a father, he knows and his actions show that he wants to be a parent. Your ex doesn't want to be a parent, he's still a child.

EDIT:I hate to break the bad news to you but the courts won't see it that way. Regardless if a non custodial parent is making payments on court ordered (or not ordered) child support they still have a legal right to see and spend time with their child. Actually you could be found in contempt of court if you did have a support/visitation order in place and you were refusing him access to his son because he isn't paying support. So I think you might want to take a look at your approach. Maybe if you back off a little and let him see his son without the threat of taking visits away if he doesn't empty his pockets, than he might be more likely to come around often and might even feel that obligation to financially support his child.

10

?2009-08-31T08:53:14Z

Knowing all the drama you have to deal with your baby's father you should have end it by not being so involved with him anymore since he seems to not care so much about his responsibilities as a father. You shouldn't even care so much, or help him out so much it should be him doing all that. Why do you have to do it? You only have one baby, it's sad that the baby's father can behave so immature. You can keep pushing in hopes that he would want to see his baby more and find ways in seeing his own child without having you drive him around, but at this point if he hasn't realized yet he may not ever, unless he has plans to better himself for his future for the sake of his child's future. If all he cares is all the other stuff then what his child needs then you don't need to take your precious time helping him out when he doesn't love your child, care for your child like you do.

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tetlitea2009-08-31T08:50:55Z

You can' t have it both ways. You want him to help and to pay but you don't want him to have any say. It does not work that way. You can have a DNA test and have him declared as the father if you want, but you don't want to. You knew who this man was before you had a baby with him, did you think he was going to change just because the baby got here? You say he needs to grow up but you do as well. Do what you have to do to give your child the best life possible and stop catering to this man. When he's ready to be a dad he will foster a relationship with his son, but you trying to force it now isn't the answer.

I would see what kind of assistance is out there for you if you need it, be it from the federal, state or local gov or from a charity.

Good luck to you.

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