I am 34 years old and my daughter just turned one. I got married at 31 years old and my husband is 35 years old. I love her more than life and I don't have a desire to have 2 children, but I have guilt of not giving her a sibling. I had preclampsia during her pregnancy and petrified to have it again, if we decide to have a 2nd child.
I love my sister and I love having her in my life. I just need to know that she will be ok with us only having one child.
2011-09-11T23:46:29Z
Im sorry for not being clear. I love having a sister (me the mom). I worry that my daughter will be ok being an only child.
Dave B.2011-09-11T23:55:27Z
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It is absolutely okay to have one child. In fact, I would question your judgment if you had a second not strictly because you wanted one, but for the purpose of giving your daughter a sibling.
There are a lot of misconceptions going around about "only" children. They're spoiled, selfish, attention hungry, unsocialized, narcissistic, they act out, etc. These are all learned from the parents who raise them, not due to having no siblings.
There are certainly well-behaved, well-adjusted children that have no siblings. For those that are badly behaved, look at the parents raising them. Many mothers of single children give that child constant and continuous attention, spoil them with whatever they want at the instant that it's asked for, and often keep the child to themselves, not letting him/her make friends and socialize outside of school. I could go on and on, but the point is that it is not healthy for your child to be the sole object of your attention, and for it to want for nothing.
Having your daughter socialize with other kids outside of school is your best tool to curb selfish behaviors. Even from the time that they're toddlers, children are very empathetic, and have acute senses of shame and rejection. Selfishness and attention-mongering will be met with negative reactions from other children, and many of these behaviors will get resolved naturally as a result.
Your daughter will be just fine as long as you're able to make some fundamental judgment calls as a parent. Decide when she needs attention, and when she needs to occupy herself. Decide when she needs a toy or some other material posession, and when she's had enough. As parents, we naturally want our children to have the best of everything, but it's not having certain things which allows us to appreciate that which we do have.
Your child will be fine with whatever you choice you make. I am not an only child, but my elderly father is an only child and two of my nephews are. My great-niece will most likely be an only child. They are all well adjusted.
I think that what you have to consider when raising an only child is that as parents we have only so much attention, time and financial resources to divide amongst our children. If you raise your only child with the notion that the family life revolves around them, that their activities drive your life, that their wishes and desires ought to come before yours, you will have issues with your children as they grow older. The transition into independence may be difficult. We are all self-centered as small children, as we grow older, we should grow less self-centered. However, this can be true of children with siblings as well. What it comes down to is that self-centered adults raise their children to be self-centered. If you see your children as perfect, the best athletes, most beautiful, best students, without flaws (don't we all see that attitude come across here sometimes?) going to college where mom isn't there to be certain everything is perfect for Jr. might be a struggle. They'll learn to adjust just the same.
This is a choice you should make based on your ability to carry another child and raise another child. It shouldn't be based on what your three year old thinks she might want - my great-niece is begging her mom to have another. Three year olds beg for lots of things we can't or shouldn't give them. With everything there are two sides, though it was helpful to have my sisters during times of crisis, I've heard only children say they were glad they avoided some of the sibling dramas they would have had to navigate if they had siblings. Lots of fights between siblings are over power - and they happen all the time. Only children often idealize those relationships and those with siblings often idealize how being an only child would be easier. Pluses and minuses come with everything.
No choice is perfect, but you should feel absolutely no guilt for choosing what's right for your health and your family, no matter what it is.
Since your baby girl is just one, you have a lot more time to reconsider this matter. For now, regarding your question, I can tell you that having just one child is fine, if it's your's and your husband's decision. Your girl will have friends, guess she has some relatives, so it's not like she will be alone in her life because she doesn't have brother or sister. However, I felt the same after I got my first boy (especially because I had 2 miscarriages before I got him, so he was like a miracle for me). I didn't want to share love for him with anyone else, also was a bit overwhelmed with his needs which kind of consumed my entire time/life. But, in a 2 years, I reconsidered this and decided that I am ready for another one, and that my boy will be happy with having a brother or sister to shera a room/life with :) Also, being relived from pressure weather I will succeed with pregnancy or not, it actually went easy as hell, didin't have a single problem in second pregnancy!
I also have an only child she's 3 and I'm 28 so i have plenty of time to have another but bad finances. I actually WANT sibling for ehr but only when we can afford to. I'm not going to have two children only to not feed them. I too worry about ehr being lonely and the possibility of never being able to financially have another child. It's your choice; more and more ppl have just 1 child these days. In China everybody is an only child, and many of them go on to become doctors, scientists, etc. There is a book called "Parenting An Only Child" and basically it's a guidebook that reflects the social, mental, and family dynamics of the only child. It also reveals the many pros and benefits to having an only child, and the risks. It shows studies conducted that says only children were not lonelier than any other children as long as they had friends and parents who gave them attention.
I was an only child. I have to say I wish I had a sibling.
I never had that kind of closeness like I see my kids have with each other. Growing up there were times I was lonely. I had cousins... but they all had brothers and sisters.
As we got older everyone scattered across the country-- and we keep in touch, but the brothers/sisters of course visit and have holidays together and such, and I'm kind of off by myself, half-forgotten by my old cousins except for the occasional calls and letters.
My kids don't have any actual aunts & uncles or close cousins. My youngest child is miffed about it... he demanded to know why he doesn't get any cousins.
I think the worst part is as my parents got older, ill, dying, etc-- it was all on me. And I could ask help of their brothers & sisters (my aunts and uncles) or of course my hubby is there for me, but it was still like going through it alone, because I was the only person who was their child.
Dad is gone and mom's in her 80s so I know when she goes it will be the last of my childhood family... and I will miss that.
I can understand your reasons for not wanting more pregnancies and your daughter will live with it and be fine if you don't. But I think at least 2 is better than 1.