Adults only wedding invite, totally inconvenient.?

Question

My brother-in-law and his fiance are getting married in a few months, and my husband and I were a bit shocked to see that the invite stated "Adults only". We have a 4 year old daughter, as do they (they were born within a few weeks of each other) and they also have a 1 year old son. My husband and I were married when our daughter was 11 months old, and it never even occurred to us to make the wedding adults only, since it was important to us to have our daughter there to celebrate with us, even if she was just a baby. There were quite a few young children and babies at our wedding, including our 11 month old niece. There was no crying during the ceremony, and no tantrums throughout the reception - everything went fine, even with having several children there. 

Now, I understand that it's their wedding, and they can do it however they like - except for two little problems that I've got. The first problem is that for whatever reason, they've decided to have the wedding in California - and we're in Arizona. While not as expensive as a destination wedding in Hawaii or something like that, we are going to have to put considerable time and money into going to this wedding - 10 hour drive, plus hotel stay, etc. Now in addition to that, we're going to have to pay for a babysitter for several days. And I have no idea who we're going to get to watch our daughter - the only people who have ever babysat her overnight are her grandparents, who will obviously be at the wedding. 

The other problem I have is that it's "Adults only, except for our own kids". I heard from several people that while nobody else is allowed to bring kids, their own 4 year old and 1 year old will be in attendance. This seems a bit unfair to me. If kids aren't allowed, then why are theirs coming? And if theirs are coming, other people should be allowed to bring their kids too. 

Should we ask for an exception so that we can bring our daughter? Or should we RSVP no? If it was an acquaintance or a distant family member, I'd just apologize and say that we can't make it...but it seems like since it's an immediate family member, we really should attend. Any advice?

MagnusMoss · Accepted Answer

People have lost track of what wedding are about.  
Wedding are about family.  Having an "adults only" reception is very rude.  Destination weddings in random locations that everyone has to travel to make things needlessly difficult.

However, don't ask for an exception.  I like the suggestion of sending your husband and staying home.

fairypelican · Answer

You could possibly arrange a baby-sitter through the hotel that you stayed at . Ring some hotels in the area & ask if they can recommend any local baby sitting services. That way you would only need to have your daughter looked after for a few hours.  *** I used to work for a baby-sitting agency & often did sits like that.  I would go to the hotel room  ***  
 If you wanted to minimise costs - you may be able to take your daughter to the ceremony - then have her looked after during the reception.

 What about your parents or any close friends? 
 This scenario is one you are likely to come across again.

I have also been to weddings where the only children in attendance have been those of the couple or ones in the bridal party.

 YOU had your wedding the way you wanted it - Accept their decision to do the same !!!

? · Answer

Your brother's parents will be at the wedding and so can't look after your child. Can your parents do it instead?

"Now, I understand that it's their wedding, and they can do it however they like"
Ah, good. For a minute there, I thought you expected their wedding to revolve around you and your child.
"except for two little problems that I've got."
Oh. You DO expect their wedding to revolve around you and your child. That's kinda rude and inconsiderate.

"The other problem I have is that it's "Adults only, except for our own kids". I heard from several people that while nobody else is allowed to bring kids, their own 4 year old and 1 year old will be in attendance. This seems a bit unfair to me."
Of course it's fair. Grow up.
"If kids aren't allowed, then why are theirs coming? And if theirs are coming, other people should be allowed to bring their kids too."
Their kids are going because it's their parents' wedding. Seems fair enough, to me.


You know what? I think you should RSVP 'No'. For their sake. Why on earth would they want you at the wedding. You're obviously determined to be a grump, and no-one wants a grump at their wedding.

La Vie Boheme · Answer

You think it's unfair that their own kids will be there but nobody Else's kids are invited?  Really?   Do you expect them to leave their own kids at home?   When did this become about you?   Many people dont want little kids running around at a party..nothing wrong with that.  People get married all the time and can't accommodate everyone.   Why can't you all just go and hire a sitter from a service to stay with your child in the hotel room?    Isn't this your husbands brother getting married?   He should at least go.

sme168 · Answer

Can your husband just go? I'm sure you'd like to attend, but it appears it will be a true PITA for you all to attend (for all your reasons listed), so I'd say you decline and your hubby can attend his brother's wedding. I do NOT think it's fair that you ask your hubby to stay home if you cannot attend; this is his brother and if he's able to go, he should.

I don't see anything unfair for them to just want their kids there--they are paying for the party. In fact, seems odd you seem surprised that they wouldn't want their own kids there to celebrate with them.

And, don't let this ruin your relationship with the BIL and his fiancee, OK? Not everyone wants kids at their wedding, and it's not a crime.

Anonymous · Answer

Either RSVP no, or attend without the kid. They don't want kids at their wedding, point blank, except for theirs. Just because you were lucky and had no disruptions at your wedding doesn't guarantee that they'll be that lucky too. I've seen many weddings disrupted and even ruined by children.

Adults only wedding invite, totally inconvenient.?

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