Dying rivers wash thick muddy earth across once fertile land, arid air cooks the clay denying it the sun and wind letting it go for eons -- to heal angry seas poured salt water until nothing could grow. No food, dry rivers, no water, no life. .
2012-03-26T13:47:40Z
Yes, I've definitely missed what I wanted to say, and I value all of the responses and appreciate your time, talents and words in helping me to fix it. It was not clear in my mind when I wrote, and it definitely needs to be edited or totally rewritten. Thank you all. tori
2012-03-26T14:03:21Z
~ Love the rewrites of V.O.R., vvvvv and Blue Feather. You have found the view which I obscured. Thank you. I sincerely appreciate the critiques and will rewrite this poem in time. tori
2012-03-26T14:08:04Z
~ No, Warren, it's not Death Valley. I too love the dessert and am very aware of the life it supports. I close my eyes and see the lizards, snakes, insects, etc. moving over the hot dry sand. The plants are vibrant, their colors deep and rich. They give life where none could exist. The cactus pear with its succulent fruit provides nourishment even for humans. I used to have a few on the property where I lived in San Diego. It's tasty. Thanks, Warren, for the beautiful article about deserts. tori
BlueFeather2012-03-23T05:44:53Z
Favorite Answer
You have a great idea here which (I think) has some problems as it stands. Since sun and wind are most responsible for parching of the land, denying them (L4) conflicts with the theme of your poem. And I'm afraid I'm completely puzzled at how salt water and angry seas relate to healing. You are a wonderful writer and I always enjoy your posts, so please forgive me as I offer this alternative version (and still acrostic, too).
Dying rivers push thick muddy earth across once fertile land, arid air cooks the clay dried by sun and swept by wind, like talons never letting go. Unhealthy angry seas awash with salt, and nothing more can thrive or grow. Dirges tell the languishing of life.
Tori, you know me: a consummate writer using words and images, bending them to my personal purpose. But I, at least, want them to have some semblance of accuracy and sense. I am thrown by some language here. "Dying rivers washing" (i would choose either "thick" or "muddy", the two together seem redundant) means there is some water, which is the cornerstone for fertility; in fact, lahars and floods, which cover landscapes with mud, increase land fertility. POOLS of water, on the other hand, do not and are teh last gasp of a drying river. Secondly, how would the air "deny it sun and wind" when both are impervious to air conditions? By "air" do you, mean "weather"? I do not fully understand "to heal angry seas poured salt water until nothing could grow" in conjunction with the last images. I know the Strait of Gibraltar has closed many times, causing the Mediterranean Sea to dry up; but the water finds a way to refill it. And I know, about every 5000 years (?), the Sahara gets so much rain it turns to a lush jungle. I think you mean to point out the harships for PEOPLE's survival under certain conditions, but life is always present and , to quote the character of Dr. Ian Malcom from JURASSIC PARK (the movie) "life"and nature" finds a way."
That "dry rivers" part seems out of place when you have "no food" before it, and "no water", "no life" after. It seems like something else with "no" should be there, plus dry rivers is explained anyways when you say no water. Perhaps just leaving it out entirely.
Dying rivers wash thick muddy earth across once fertile land, <this could be "a once" or "fertile lands" arid air cooks the clay denying it the sun and wind letting it go for eons -- to heal angry seas poured salt water until nothing could grow. No food, no water, no life.
Sounds a bit ominous. A picture of drought carried to an extreme.
Is this a picture of Death Valley?
But let me paint a more optimistic and hopeful picture for you: I spent many of my growing up years living in or near a desert, and I can tell you that deserts teem with life of various kinds. From the reptiles--tiny lizards, snakes--to the birds to the varied forms of plant life (cactus, sagebrush, thistles and tiny but brightly hued flowers) the deserts are alive!
The tiny traces of water that irrigate these dry lands are hoarded and conserved by these living things and kept until the last traces have been consumed or converted to keep the living alive.
And, in a desert, when it rains you had best get out of the way--flash floods can carry away everything that gets in their pathways.
Great poem, as always very visual and very descriptive.